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All posts for the month November, 2014

๐Ÿ˜€ Tonight is the continuation of ย the ORIGIN, if you want to stop by for that PG. Don’t know what you’ve seen but my brother is now getting in on it too. Let me answer some questions more directly, NO I’m not taken, I get the FEELING you are still watching over there I do not know for certain. If you are, I would HOPE that you would know the risk I’m taking being public for your sake and know that no one who has had the trouble I had would risk a significant other seeing what I mean for YOU to see, that kind of thing lies in deception, I may have goaded you with the idea of moving past you but that was ALL it was, like I said, I didn’t KNOW what you were wanting or even expected of me, I sought answers in the only way I knew how. YOURS, ALWAYS, that is first and foremost there isn’t going to BE another. That said, YES right now I am still here in WV, believe me, I don’t WANT to be, I’m sick of this fucking place, I’ve had my ass stomped here, don’t get me wrong it has some good people but it also has too many who just ACCEPT a bad fate and that is a trap I don’t want or need to fall into, I need HOPE for something better and that is not here. Yes I have phone, It was given to me by my brother back when I was first kicked out by my Ex Wife. It’s a glorified ย LG Tracfone with Android upgrades, I get a card for service every month. YES I have a laptop Dell Inspion 15 3000 Series That I got in early September in order to have a useful tool to carry with me at all times for my writing, I never would have gotten my work published without it, nor would I be able to keep up with this blog, that is the reason why it sat dormant from April to October. If you want to ask my sister ANYTHING now, you can, know that you met resistance BECAUSE of what happened to me, every time my ex wife found out where I was.Alright like REM I’ve said too much lets get to the pictures in this picture post lest I give reason for people to REALLY think I’m retarded and can’t tell the difference. ๐Ÿ˜€ Once more I put in a personal photo from a time when we were all more innocent, including Donnie Darko’s Metal Rabbit of Doom. – Love BIG CAT

 

 

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My sister and I, 4-8-79. < Date not count down. And once more i have that look, like: “I thought I was supposed to follow the white rabbit, not let the damn thing carry me off with it.” ๐Ÿ˜€

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I didn’t say SORRY, whatever else I should have led with that, you didn’t handle it the best either, but I went dark side on you. I didn’t know what to think, you would be fine, then go distant, then lay into my ass for TRYING, I’d get pissed and then you went back to watching me. It didn’t make sense to me, but now it does. I can’t unknow what I know, hence my reason for doing this and getting the help that I have with this, you have my sister to thank, you know. I was too damaged, still in fight mode, to see anything clearly enough to figure it out on my own. ย In truth it goes back to another thing I said. Hate is more viable option than wishing things had been different, because it’s more tangible, you KNOW how something effected you, you don’t know for sure how it would have been otherwise. I took it way too far, but I just didn’t know what you were wanting from me and after this year, it was hard to accept FAILURE, I really have thought the world of you. That IS why I tried to be there for you even before I knew I was drawing you in. I OWE you, the freedom, I have now I would not have were it not for you. So here is day 4 and I am turning the tables on dear older sister this time for the embarrassing shit. ๐Ÿ˜€ – Love BIG CAT

 

 

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My sister age 8, me 5 1/2 months with that look that says “How fucking dare you dress me in plaid for this?” In true Stewie fashion.

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This one, well, you’ll figure this one out quick, in fact you already have, much to both of our regret. I never wanted to be this person, we get dealt things and then we choose a path, but sometimes when there are things we don’t see until we are deep in we find out too late that it was the wrong path we chose. So I get it, why you need to know so much, why you jumped on everything and absorbed it like a sponge. I didn’t mean to figure out what you were doing before you were ready, I put you on the spot and things got screwed up bad. I am doing this as a way to step back and go at it from a different angle. I can’t quit, any more than you seem to be able to. So lets see where this goes, you know what tonight is, well this time the theme is the ORIGIN. I want you to know. ๐Ÿ˜€ Once more my sister has went to the embarrassment files to pull up this picture of me at year 1, Yes considering the nature of the message, this time it IS a part of the sequence. ย I WANT to get this right, I owe you everything, so here is today’s puzzle PG – Love BIG CAT

 

 

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Me Year old self, first birthday.

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Well fuck it. Rather then sit and mope over being cooped up here alone, I want to take a moment to reflect on what I have to be thankful for. I have a list, I know, me, list, thankfulness, positivity,sounds like another one of my fucking fables to me. LOL

1. I’m still fucking here to be writing this, now that may sound like a cheap give me considering everyone says how thankful they are to be alive, but for me there were times this year, that I REALLY did not know if I was going to make it this far. I did and I’m glad

2. Thankful for the people who stayed, in all of their capacities and ways. I would not have made it this far otherwise.

3. I’m thankful for the FIRE I somehow managed to conjure up not only to survive,but to take the steps toward actually getting ahead, for the sake of having a future that can be seen and wanted.

4.Let’s give the devils their due here, I’m thankful for the haters, the ones who tried to end my ass and the ones who turned away. They pissed me off enough to WANT to stay around and annoy the fuck out of them and rub my come back in their faces.

5. I’m thankful for the outcome of my legal issues, I still say it’s bullshit, but considering what most outsiders get in small hick town courthouses I got off light and still have my freedom.

6. I’m thankful for the teachers, who are still guiding me towards being that better kind of asshole than most, even if it is STILL taking more work than I thought it would.

7. I’m thankful for the family, blood and not, I remember the value of that now after having lost sight of it for so damn long.

8. I’m thankful for the beaten, the strangers who showed me through strength of character that not all the human race is a piece of shit when I needed most to see that and for giving me one more thing to fight for.

9. I’m thankful for the last two years for kicking my ass so far into the dirt and leaving me alive, that I learned how to let go of fear of life. For my survival through it has given truth to my wise birds words. “Should you rise, never again will you have a reason to doubt yourself.”

10. I’m thankful for the spark of LOVE I have somehow managed to maintain. Without it the hate would have consumed my ass and there would be NO HOPE of a BETTER FUTURE.

11. I am thankful for the people who are starting to see and understand what I have been trying to do. They are the ones who will aid me in building that better future that I can share with you as much as I have the bullshit that has led to this moment. That will be the day it opens the rest of the eyes to the value of what I have fought for.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, or as I have, in the past been fond of calling it Treacherous Honky Holiday. – Love BIG CAT