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All posts for the month November, 2014

For two weeks after getting kicked out I sat watching more and more people turn away from me in the wake of a vicious rumor being spread about how DANGEROUS I was. A politicians way of covering their own ass after kicking me to the curb in the snow after telling everyone that we were going to be civil about the divorce and of course as a person of standing, a President in a non profit organization filled with people who made up that world people believed her shit over mine, I was JUST a volunteer. Like Rambo EXPENDABLE regardless of putting in as much time and effort as the person whose ass I had to be stuck up 24/7. I had already been to the first part of a two part court appointed psych evaluation, two weeks off my medication and staring down the second part of the evaluation, the hard part. The interview process. A seven hour ordeal that laid open so many OLD scars on top of what was quickly piling on all at once. The following is taken from posts in the early part of March as I faced that evaluation and finally got tired of all the damn prayers that wasn’t saving my ass from anything. As such in a thinly veiled attempt at passive suicide I challenged what ever God was out there to reveal themselves. The result, well you could base a movie on that shit alone, but it IS THE TRUTH about what happened as a result of my little Shadow Game with God.

 

March 1st

Please, this includes my family when I say. I don’t give a fuck. I’m done, been done. Ain’t nobody got time for that, least of all me. < (I had been informed of some smart ass gag played by a minion of the ex wife in regards to a charity my sister had set up on my behalf, after I had been kicked out. At that point I really didn’t give a shit, I said, in truth it was just adding on to everything I was already having too much trouble dealing with.)

 

March 4th

Here I sit a little over 5 hours away from the second half of a court appointed hoop that needs jumped. I am already behind, not having found a way to bring part of my defense to the table.

So much to focus on and I am failing to bring much fighting spirit to my side of things. What went wrong in me?

You know, someone once told me (in a conversation that took place not long before I kicked their ass to the curb) that no one is an island, not even me. That’s not always true. There comes a point when a break goes too far inside. When you find yourself starting all over again and you realize that the reason you are at that point is because you don’t believe in yourself and you haven’t for some time, that the first place you “have” to turn to is inward.

Before you can reestablish any real trust in those outside of yourself, you have to rebuild the trust you have in you.

I have thought about this and thought about this and I have to make a stand and say I don’t want charity. It isn’t pride that brought me to that decision but rather necessity. Charity can only block the one thing I need most right now, belief and self respect. I need this fear of failure to relight some spark that I am missing.

I can’t say I don’t need help, because I do. What I can say is, I need to earn that help, and I need that help to be a means to earn my way back to level ground.

I said you will see that everyone else got off light from my judgment. That however harsh I judged others from their interactions with me, I would be twice as harsh on myself. Some, maybe even out of kindness, maybe not, I don’t know, just compiled all the reasons I have to be pissed at myself for getting to this point, by not seeing me as the individual, or my need to be seen as such. Some were content in bias from second hand knowledge and some, I simply don’t want to face again without something of my own to bring to the table so that my connection to them is through no one else but me.

There is more to this rant. It ain’t over by a damn sight, but it’s late and I need to charge my phone before heading out in the morning so it will have to wait.

Comments

TH: Best of Luck. “It is your road to walk and yours alone. Others may walk it with you but none can walk it for you.” I hope you can get back on your feet again and reclaim the self respect that is a basic human need  < ( As mentioned before you will see that I found the REAL people who stood with me through everything and were a huge part in helping me stumble through that path.)

 

Tired, aggravated and sorely aware that every hit like the one I took today takes more than I have left to give. But to finish the point I was making early this morning, there is a fund raiser on my behalf, I’m wanting to pull it’s plug. I see no point in it, it has on some level added to the drama, I am trying to separate myself from. You want to help? Help me push my store front, I need to build up on my own or take a bow period. It’s natural selection no matter which side of it I sit on, whatever I get, I get.

Comments

JBL: It’s not time to take a bow my friend. I know there’s no way to understand that right now, but I’ve been at the bottom. And you’ll dig your way up too

Shayne:  I’m gonna give it everything I have left. When all is said and and done I will either stand or fall and if I fall, I will go down swinging that much I can still gurantee. 😀  Thanks for the vote of confidence, as long as someone believes I know it’s worth it for me to.

JBL: you only got to meet me after I put the shattered pieces back together with guitar strings and rolling papers, and a LOT of help from my friends. a LOT… lots of couch surfing, lots of nights not knowing where to go, lots of pain and tears and not being able to breathe.

RN: Prayers and smoke from sacred pipe in your behalf. Brother I know it’s hard and can beat you down- but you GOTTA HAVE FAITH. Creator works in many ways; the outcome is usually the start of your right path again. We lose our way easily in this world and don’t have elders to point us in the proper direction- this is when “troubles” come our way. Creator isn’t punishing you when things go bad- just moving you back to the point of starting over. My prayers are that he shows you understanding and mercy. Let those who judge you understand and know why things happened and your dramatic personality also. With that they will know there was no real threat or terrorism.
Mercy because those who seek fame and re-election have already done you enough harm/damage. I wish there was more that I could do- I have made the calls and traveled to speak in person- but they say their hands can do no more; since it’s not their jurisdiction.
Hopefully the end result will be of some long term benefit to you and enable you to one day stand alone and stand strong if that’s where your path lies. This world screws with so many good ppl- but you have been victimized way too often and hit too harshly for the little things that have happened.

 

March 6th

Coming close to making a few important decisions. But before I do I would like to take a moment to share some of what I have learned for posterity.

While smokless tobacco is not a safer alternative to smoking, I have discovered that an empty snuff can makes for a very good change purse for a guy. Thanks bro.

According to psychology 101 as it is taught at Yale, there are two big things that can throw a monkey wrench in psychology standards of judgment and those are philosophy and game theory. All I can say from experience is Wow so common sense is what gives Ivy League it’s edge.

This one may be crude but truthful none the less. Hard ons and heart strings share one common bond, they will both go limp in the face of incessant bitching about ones lack of overall value as a human being.

The world is a fine place and worth fighting for. I personally go back and forth on that second part. So my biggest issue is just a reflection of the big picture, the struggle between natural harmony and all the viable reasons one can find to not give a fuck. < ( As I wrote this I was gathering my worldly possessions in the two bags I had and readied my self to go out the door, I knew then what I planned to do. The game was on, so to speak.)

Alright Game of Gods time. I know that between my body and my spirit, my body will be the first to cave. So I’m walking this way and I am going until my face hits the ground from utter exhaustion. If it is not meant for me to fall then I figure that there has to be some miracle that is going to keep that from happening. I’m not going to stop, I will not quit. But at this point….I kinda want to see just how far faith and prayer can carry my ass. < ( I had already set out and had gone well over five or six miles walking, stopping at Krogers before posting my intent.)

HA HA HA HA Where’s your God now holy man? That’s alright I still got miles lets see where this goes. <( This was a few hours later, night fall had occurred and the temperature was dropping there was still snow on the damn ground, sludge that was slick as shit, I was getting tired as I wrote this from a bus stop across the street from the famous Burial Mound in South Charleston.)

Chesapeake to Spring Hill, you’re pushing me, you gangster motherfucker you. Ain’t no doubt about that. Just one sign. Fuck I ain’t about to stop now.

Comments

MH: Wrud bubba? Where you going?

Shayne: As far as I can.

MH: I hear ya dude be careful

It’s over. There ain’t nothing out there looking out for me but my damn self, maybe it’s time I start putting my faith in that. < (This was maybe twenty minutes after the previous post. It was getting late, I was tired lugging all my shit around.)

Another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into. One of these times I might learn, if I can survive tonight any way. Legs can hardly move I’m rattling from the inside out. pennyless, broken, and too far out of range for back up. Yeah I fucked up good and proper……again. < (Maybe another ten minutes, I sat there for awhile in front of Thomas Memorial Hospital a place I would be returning to in another couple hours. Gathering a third wind I pushed on getting almost halfway to Jefferson, before turning back, I said I was going to go until I fell I knew that wasn’t far off anyway, and I had more pride than to want to be found face down in a place I was more likely to have everything I owned taken. I returned to the hospital collapsing in the bus stop out front where I had post the message above. I was shaking from cold, exhaustion, anger, and something else, 😀 just keep reading. after trying to find somewhere out of open view as experience has taught me cops like to fuck with people carrying everything they own through town late at night. Finally I decided I was hurting and shaking too bad to stay outside, I went to the ER in desperation. Here is where it gets good…….)

 

March 7th

Well played really. So laying in hospital bed because apparently I have been fucked up for weeks and did not know. Oh yeah and spinal taps suck.

Comments

TH: Oh my God! Spinal tap for what? What’s wrong?

Shayne: Pneumonia which I seem to have had for sometime and an infection was found.

TH: R they gonna admit you?

Shayne:  They already have.

NC: Healing vibes coming your way. Hope you get well soon.

RB: Dam Shayne so sorry your in the hospital buddy I hope u get better fast

 

No answers yet at least I can move around a bit. The two biggest problems I have are, first the food reminds me of being in jail, the second is, it’s the same type of seclusion.

Oxygen, IV fluids, heart monitors with electrodes. I feel more machine than man. And just think, if I had not been stupid, I would never have found out that I was bad enough for all this.

Comments

RN: Sorry brother- have also been down with an attack. Didn’t know you’d been sick? Prayers and Smoke being sent for you.

CL: What happened shayne

 

Well shit, tried to Rambo my way out of the hospital just to come back for my brothers sake, yes when we are together we tend to suffer the Winchester syndrome. On a brighter note I just had a sobering and enlightening conversation with a 60 year old homeless man. It seems my final destination from my personal pilgrimage keeps turning up new and helpful shit. Like I said, well played holy one. < ( I checked myself out by around 7pm that night, only to find out that I had to go back to get the results of the damn spinal tap I was given. My brother had, had a surgery the year before, and if that test came back and showed that I had spinal meningitis, it could prove deadlier for my brother than it could me, so I went back.)

I finally cracked around 5:45 When the thought, the line I haven’t let myself say for over 3 weeks finally slipped. ” I want to go home.” I don’t have one, it’s not an option. There you have it. The thought that finally managed to bypass, the anger, the indifference for the sake of moving forward or trying to, even in the face of the fact that in a couple short months it may not even matter if I manage to get my shit together. The awkwardness every time I have found myself somewhere laden with memories that overshadowed my own history in it. The wound was opened with that one thought. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded that you are human. It helps you understand what needs to be guarded.

Comments

NC: Mental hugs coming your way.

RB: Hope you get better shayne and I hope u get u a good home to go to some people dont know how lucky they got it

 

March 8th

Oh I might as well tell the tale since I was a little too tired and fucked up to tell it earlier. I went to the ER at Thomas Memorial at around 1:40 am dizziness and shortness of breath, which as far as I knew was the result of excessive travel via the shoelace express, my heart rate jumped between 103 and 117 at total rest laying in bed. I was given tests out the ass, EKG, CT scan where I was shot up with a dye the lit my insides on fucking fire, an x ray, a shit ton of blood work and finally a spinal tap. I was admitted at around 6:30 am. My heart rate did finally regulate to 93. What I know is pneumonia had been spotted and I have a white blood cell count of around 30, which means I’ve been fighting one hell of a battle with infection. My doctor did not endear themselves with me having made only one appearance for less than a minute to ask a question that I had been asked at least 34 times and to use a stethoscope which he even placed on electrodes already attached, before quickly darting away before I could even ask any of my own questions. It took trying to leave to learn what I wanted to know, and I figured pneumonia alone was not a cause to languish when I could go to my doctors for the antibiotics to fix that shit. Alas I am back now because one of those tests holds knowledge I have to have to help my brother rule something out. < ( My wait was longer that second night than it was the first. I did finally get in and explained my situation, the ER doctor told me the test was negative, and asked if I wanted readmitted, I said no there was no reason for it hooked to the monitor sitting there talking to him and making sense my heart rate was a pretty normal 68 to 73. In the end he prescribed a seven day antibiotic and sent me on my way.)

 

Well what do you call it when a person, out of hopelessness and desperation chooses to act on what their instinct was leading them to do regardless of how reckless and stupid that act may seem….even to the one doing it? For a person too damn stubborn to go to doctor unless they are frozen, exhausted to the point hardly being able to stand, unable to think through the pain in their legs and back and shaking so damn hard from it all that it wouldn’t be surprising if they started losing body parts like a beat up old truck.

And then find out after stumbling into an ER that if they had kept assuming that the reason they were always tired and feeling like shit was just related to the stress of their situation, that there was a good chance they would have gone the way of Jim Henson before any outcome to their plight had the chance to happen.

Is it luck or providence? Considering I am sitting here with my antibiotics in hand does it matter what we call it? I set out in desperation to find something to believe in and while what I found wasn’t the sign of hope I was looking for, it was exactly the sign I needed no more no less.

So, the lesson here is. If you have to scream to the world and the heavens that you don’t give a fuck until you can convince yourself enough to keep standing no matter the odds, if you feel like all you have left is tell the whole of existence fuck you as you go down in flames, if you feel the need to challenge the existence of a higher power by forcing it’s hand to reveal itself. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not the way to go, not even the very wise can see all ends. < ( I was sitting at Ginos Pizza in Marmet as I wrote this, later in the evening on the 8th)

Comments

TH: So what are you actually saying? Have they found out what’s wrong w you yet? Or was all that just to keep us guessing?

Shayne: It is pneumonia all the other tests came back clear, they turned me loose early this morning with a prescription for antibiotics which I just got filled. In short I’ll live.

NC:  Well, we are grateful the higher power slapped you upside the head hard enough to see the help needed sign. Get better soon.

TH: Glad it was nothing more complicated. Though, if you’d waited longer it might have been.

Shayne: Hell I didn’t even know I had anything wrong

TH: I know many people who have had, “walking pneumonia”. It doesn’t show the typical symptoms and peeps don’t know they have it. They just know they feel bad. That’s why it can be so dangerous.

 

So there you have it. YES it is all TRUE, NO there was no embellishment to any of it, this is literally copied and pasted from the original source, and I was writing it all as it happened. WHATEVER YOU TAKE FROM THIS, A bit of spiritual enlightenment, a moment of being entertained by the actions of a fucking idiot, or simply something to remind you of what you may have to be thankful for, or to know you’re not alone in the struggle you’re going through, this is truly a case of the truth being stranger than fiction. As for me looking back on it now, it is STILL the gift that keeps on giving and my belief of it has been unchanged, for me it WAS a miracle, the one I NEEDED, no more, no less.

The Path of the Walk Approximately 22.8 miles

The Path of the Walk
Approximately 22.8 miles

 

 

“Childe Roland To The Dark Tower Came”

By Robert Browning

1     My first thought was, he lied in every word,
2         That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
3         Askance to watch the working of his lie
4     On mine, and mouth scarce able to afford
5     Suppression of the glee that pursed and scored
6         Its edge, at one more victim gained thereby.

7     What else should he be set for, with his staff?
8         What, save to waylay with his lies, ensnare
9         All travellers who might find him posted there,
10   And ask the road? I guessed what skull-like laugh
11   Would break, what crutch ‘gin write my epitaph
12       For pastime in the dusty thoroughfare,

13   If at his counsel I should turn aside
14       Into that ominous tract which, all agree,
15       Hides the Dark Tower. Yet acquiescingly
16   I did turn as he pointed: neither pride
17   Nor hope rekindling at the end descried,
18       So much as gladness that some end might be.

19   For, what with my whole world-wide wandering,
20       What with my search drawn out thro’ years, my hope
21       Dwindled into a ghost not fit to cope
22   With that obstreperous joy success would bring,
23   I hardly tried now to rebuke the spring
24       My heart made, finding failure in its scope.

25   As when a sick man very near to death
26       Seems dead indeed, and feels begin and end
27       The tears and takes the farewell of each friend,
28   And hears one bid the other go, draw breath
29   Freelier outside (“since all is o’er,” he saith,
30       “And the blow fallen no grieving can amend”;)

31   While some discuss if near the other graves
32       Be room enough for this, and when a day
33       Suits best for carrying the corpse away,
34   With care about the banners, scarves and staves:
35   And still the man hears all, and only craves
36       He may not shame such tender love and stay.

37   Thus, I had so long suffered in this quest,
38       Heard failure prophesied so oft, been writ
39       So many times among “The Band”–to wit,
40   The knights who to the Dark Tower’s search addressed
41   Their steps–that just to fail as they, seemed best,
42       And all the doubt was now–should I be fit?

43   So, quiet as despair, I turned from him,
44       That hateful cripple, out of his highway
45       Into the path he pointed. All the day
46   Had been a dreary one at best, and dim
47   Was settling to its close, yet shot one grim
48       Red leer to see the plain catch its estray.

49   For mark! no sooner was I fairly found
50       Pledged to the plain, after a pace or two,
51       Than, pausing to throw backward a last view
52   O’er the safe road, ’twas gone; grey plain all round:
53   Nothing but plain to the horizon’s bound.
54       I might go on; nought else remained to do.

55   So, on I went. I think I never saw
56       Such starved ignoble nature; nothing throve:
57       For flowers–as well expect a cedar grove!
58   But cockle, spurge, according to their law
59   Might propagate their kind, with none to awe,
60         You’d think; a burr had been a treasure-trove.

61   No! penury, inertness and grimace,
62       In some strange sort, were the land’s portion. “See
63       Or shut your eyes,” said Nature peevishly,
64   “It nothing skills: I cannot help my case:
65   ‘Tis the Last Judgment’s fire must cure this place,
66       Calcine its clods and set my prisoners free.”

67   If there pushed any ragged thistle-stalk
68       Above its mates, the head was chopped; the bents
69       Were jealous else. What made those holes and rents
70   In the dock’s harsh swarth leaves, bruised as to baulk
71   All hope of greenness? ’tis a brute must walk
72       Pashing their life out, with a brute’s intents.

73   As for the grass, it grew as scant as hair
74       In leprosy; thin dry blades pricked the mud
75       Which underneath looked kneaded up with blood.
76   One stiff blind horse, his every bone a-stare,
77   Stood stupefied, however he came there:
78       Thrust out past service from the devil’s stud!

79   Alive? he might be dead for aught I know,
80       With that red gaunt and colloped neck a-strain,
81       And shut eyes underneath the rusty mane;
82   Seldom went such grotesqueness with such woe;
83   I never saw a brute I hated so;
84       He must be wicked to deserve such pain.

85   I shut my eyes and turned them on my heart.
86       As a man calls for wine before he fights,
87       I asked one draught of earlier, happier sights,
88   Ere fitly I could hope to play my part.
89   Think first, fight afterwards–the soldier’s art:
90       One taste of the old time sets all to rights.

91   Not it! I fancied Cuthbert’s reddening face
92       Beneath its garniture of curly gold,
93       Dear fellow, till I almost felt him fold
94   An arm in mine to fix me to the place
95   That way he used. Alas, one night’s disgrace!
96       Out went my heart’s new fire and left it cold.

97   Giles then, the soul of honour–there he stands
98       Frank as ten years ago when knighted first.
99       What honest men should dare (he said) he durst.
100 Good–but the scene shifts–faugh! what hangman hands
101 In to his breast a parchment? His own bands
102     Read it. Poor traitor, spit upon and curst!

103 Better this present than a past like that;
104     Back therefore to my darkening path again!
105     No sound, no sight as far as eye could strain.
106 Will the night send a howlet or a bat?
107 I asked: when something on the dismal flat
108     Came to arrest my thoughts and change their train.

109 A sudden little river crossed my path
110     As unexpected as a serpent comes.
111     No sluggish tide congenial to the glooms;
112 This, as it frothed by, might have been a bath
113 For the fiend’s glowing hoof–to see the wrath
114     Of its black eddy bespate with flakes and spumes.

115 So petty yet so spiteful! All along
116     Low scrubby alders kneeled down over it;
117     Drenched willows flung them headlong in a fit
118 Of mute despair, a suicidal throng:
119 The river which had done them all the wrong,
120     Whate’er that was, rolled by, deterred no whit.

121 Which, while I forded,–good saints, how I feared
122     To set my foot upon a dead man’s cheek,
123     Each step, or feel the spear I thrust to seek
124 For hollows, tangled in his hair or beard!
125 –It may have been a water-rat I speared,
126     But, ugh! it sounded like a baby’s shriek.

127 Glad was I when I reached the other bank.
128     Now for a better country. Vain presage!
129     Who were the strugglers, what war did they wage,
130 Whose savage trample thus could pad the dank
131 Soil to a plash? Toads in a poisoned tank,
132     Or wild cats in a red-hot iron cage–

133 The fight must so have seemed in that fell cirque.
134     What penned them there, with all the plain to choose?
135     No foot-print leading to that horrid mews,
136 None out of it. Mad brewage set to work
137 Their brains, no doubt, like galley-slaves the Turk
138     Pits for his pastime, Christians against Jews.

139 And more than that–a furlong on–why, there!
140     What bad use was that engine for, that wheel,
141     Or brake, not wheel–that harrow fit to reel
142 Men’s bodies out like silk? with all the air
143 Of Tophet’s tool, on earth left unaware,
144     Or brought to sharpen its rusty teeth of steel.

145 Then came a bit of stubbed ground, once a wood,
146     Next a marsh, it would seem, and now mere earth
147     Desperate and done with; (so a fool finds mirth,
148 Makes a thing and then mars it, till his mood
149 Changes and off he goes!) within a rood–
150     Bog, clay and rubble, sand and stark black dearth.

151 Now blotches rankling, coloured gay and grim,
152     Now patches where some leanness of the soil’s
153     Broke into moss or substances like boils;
154 Then came some palsied oak, a cleft in him
155 Like a distorted mouth that splits its rim
156     Gaping at death, and dies while it recoils.

157 And just as far as ever from the end!
158     Nought in the distance but the evening, nought
159     To point my footstep further! At the thought,
160 A great black bird, Apollyon’s bosom-friend,
161 Sailed past, nor beat his wide wing dragon-penned
162     That brushed my cap–perchance the guide I sought.

163 For, looking up, aware I somehow grew,
164     ‘Spite of the dusk, the plain had given place
165     All round to mountains–with such name to grace
166 Mere ugly heights and heaps now stolen in view.
167 How thus they had surprised me,–solve it, you!
168     How to get from them was no clearer case.

169 Yet half I seemed to recognise some trick
170     Of mischief happened to me, God knows when–
171     In a bad dream perhaps. Here ended, then,
172 Progress this way. When, in the very nick
173 Of giving up, one time more, came a click
174     As when a trap shuts–you’re inside the den!

175 Burningly it came on me all at once,
176     This was the place! those two hills on the right,
177     Crouched like two bulls locked horn in horn in fight;
178 While to the left, a tall scalped mountain . . . Dunce,
179 Dotard, a-dozing at the very nonce,
180     After a life spent training for the sight!

181 What in the midst lay but the Tower itself?
182     The round squat turret, blind as the fool’s heart
183     Built of brown stone, without a counterpart
184 In the whole world. The tempest’s mocking elf
185 Points to the shipman thus the unseen shelf
186     He strikes on, only when the timbers start.

187 Not see? because of night perhaps?–why, day
188     Came back again for that! before it left,
189     The dying sunset kindled through a cleft:
190 The hills, like giants at a hunting, lay
191 Chin upon hand, to see the game at bay,–
192     “Now stab and end the creature–to the heft!”

193 Not hear? when noise was everywhere! it tolled
194     Increasing like a bell. Names in my ears
195     Of all the lost adventurers my peers,–
196 How such a one was strong, and such was bold,
197 And such was fortunate, yet each of old
198     Lost, lost! one moment knelled the woe of years.

199 There they stood, ranged along the hillsides, met
200     To view the last of me, a living frame
201     For one more picture! in a sheet of flame
202 I saw them and I knew them all. And yet
203 Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
204     And blew. “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.

 

 

I am not a “Professional” I lack the training and the patients in a lot of ways to consider myself that. I AM a monkey fucking a football, but because that description applies to so many of us stumbling our way through life, admitting it, hopefully makes me something the average person can relate to more than a “Professional” could ever be. I think that’s why I tend to be more fond of Social Workers rather than Psychologists. Their training is more rounded and having seen many of both, in my experience and observation Social Workers come at it from a more Human perspective, more caring perspective it seems, than do psychologists.

I fuck up, like everyone does. Much of what you read here is the cynical views of someone who has had the ever living shit kicked out of them. In a post from this past Summer, I state that I am a bastard, not for the novelty of it, not out of a sense of vengeance against the world, but because only a bastard COULD come back from the pit I got myself into. This wasn’t long ago, only a couple months, I would not face trial until August 19th and was only sentenced to probation literally a little over a week ago,  As much as I have done to bounce back from my ordeal, in many ways it’s still fresh, still raw, still bleeding like a bitch. It’s hard to see allies when so many turned away, hard to see decency, when so many use it just to get what they fucking want, BUT ironically enough, it’s hard to see the pain of another, as any less suspect as the ones who fuck you up and mean to. I don’t want to be Childe Roland, the truth is, when so much shit looks the same you won’t find that fucking tower, because the river of shit is so long and deep that there can be no end in sight. 😀 Just a wheel that keeps turning. ( And yes, you will find that The Spirit Realm stories I do are in many ways inspired by The Dark Tower Series, but hey I’ve only been reading Stephen King since I was eight years old, so go figure.)

I told someone that I could never BE perfection, but I will always try to be my BEST. Something so much more easier said then done, especially when you JUST get to a place where you can bring yourself to be DIRECT about shit, only to wind up in a situation where that is not a strength but a weakness. I got with my sister tonight and several things were discussed.  I am starting a daily segment here on the blog, most of you may not get it but that’s fine it’s actually a truce and a bit of a puzzle game. It will be a visual sequence of pictures that say something. I’m doing it because some people have a harder time than others communicating, and hence have their own unique language, I want to TRY to be more understanding of that. We all have our battles, being the better person who understood that in light of my own was the reason I started this blog in the first place. So Yeah, I STILL fuck up, but the important thing is to try to overcome that. I’ll go ahead and start and say this is a picture of my mother Arliss Renee Mullens Workman, she died when I was 11 years old on March 18th 1990. I haven’t said a great deal about my past beyond the last few years, and I don’t HAVE many pictures myself, so some could probably wonder if I didn’t just spring from a crack in the Earth a full grown asshole. 😀 It took time, after her death, I went for seven years very seldom ever coming out of my room except for school. In many ways there is not a whole lot that could be learned of me because I  became a Goddamn void for so long, my sister who is part of Team BIG CAT is going to help me fill in those gaps, it’s the least I can do. 😀 Peace, -Love BIG CAT ( You’ll turn my ass from Sith to Jedi yet.)

 

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1964 at the age of 18

Summer 1989

Summer 1989

A fitting title for this post and you are about to see why. 😀 I’m STILL writing that book, that goes out to the one who JUST thought they were smart enough to dupe me into doing some dumb shit. Also in this post we are going to finish up my experiences from February of 2014. As you recall our story left off with me dealing with yet another court date filing for divorce and getting kicked out into eight inches of snow on Valentines day. Not only did I have reconnecting with my brother to thank for pulling through those early days, there was also the fact that however as the title of this post suggests, there is one very important thing, my wife, the law and the world itself was forgetting….

 

Feb 21st

Been busy for obvious reasons, I’ll try to keep everyone updated as to how things are going, so far, I’m still struggling to find a stable homestead, still trying to defy check mate, and no it still is not looking great. You may have noticed, that after many months I finally did reach a point that I said I would. I have dropped from 173 to 38 people on my list, and these people have shown in one fashion or other, they are my people, I don’t care if they are someone elses people too, they have shown equality on some level. So getting back to basics with people I can trust, and I said it would come to that months ago, they call that consistency and that is a sign of truth.

Am I pissed, yes. Cooler heads have never been allowed to prevail, in the situation that I came from, have I said some fucked up shit yes, is it right….. I will say it’s no more wrong then then illegally throwing someone out of their place of residence with out an eviction notice, or trying to dictate the manner in which someone can acquire their necessities there after when that some one tried on two occasions, once with trying to use a place we both put a lot into to rebuild as a neutral ground and the second even trying to eliminate the need for either party to have any contact. I wasted a trip to Charleston on that little piece of bullshit run around. It comes down to a matter of opinion, and honestly I don’t personally see any difference in telling everyone I know in one fell swoop, what others will tell the same fucking people in this phone call here, that girls night there, hell if anything, you got a record of my account to hold me to, in case I try to change my story from one conversation to the next. I will say it is brash, and no I can’t say on some level malice does not play a factor. I will say that I agree it is stupid and pointless, people will believe whatever sounds pretty to their ears, until the truth as it always does find it’s own way to the surface, and personally one reason I am down to 38 people is, I don’t want to have to hear the little bitches cry when they find out what I already know.

For the record Libel, Libel is what it’s called in written form, and only that if it’s not the truth, not Slander you stupid fuck that’s spoken. Understand that I come from a very direct standpoint and if someone tells you to get out, leaves you to your own means, after being released from a hospital on suicide watch and then spends the first night that you are “missing” there after at a bar with their good buddy, In my world said person forfeits all rights to give a flying fuck what the other does to survive at that point, that includes going to get anything like a mental hygiene warrant, turned restraining order that became the arrest warrant, when it got into Barney Fifes hands, and all for “my own good” You’re damn right I call that the act of a control freak, and no one who were such good buddies with both sides spoke to me so that they could, you know tell the other side to show some decency and just let it go, and let whatever be be. but they’ll come up on here playing white knight. The point is FUCK YOU, and like Forrest Gump that’s all I’m going to say about that.

I put this shit behind me, I’ll miss my shit that represents a life time of memories, and my fuzzy family, but fuck it, there really is nothing I could do without turning the whole thing into a total clusterfuck, and I think I’ll be the bigger person and walk away. It’s just stuff, if that’s all I lose before all this is over, I can count myself fortunate for one hell of a hard lesson learned. And I still don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks of me, that too is survivors right.

 

Feb 24th

Everything that I fight to rebuild from scratch, will be on my own damn merit, so that this time, when I return to the world, you will damn sure know who I AM !!!!!!

 

Feb 27th

I vanished without a trace save for my promoting my store front. That is about to change again, complete with a whole new demeanor. It has taken me 2 weeks to finally grasp that my anger no longer has anywhere to go, as there is nothing left of my former life to even strike at anymore. That in it’s own right can be….a jagged little pill, All pissed off and nowhere to blow.

It’s been kind of like a cheap ass reality show. So why not own it. I have nothing left to bitch about, but what I do have is a perfect scenario to be documented. You have seen the fall you know the situation, now you will see if I can get back up from what could be, the end. If I don’t you will know why, if I do you will see how. There will be something worth knowing either way either for protection or inspiration. Unspoken Ethic is going to be all about realignment of self through beating a chosen set of priciples into my own head. Now you will get the full measure of just how hard I am on myself, and trust me everyone else got off light.

 

Feb 28th

Shit!!! Word to the wise, when someone tells you that something would be easier for them to do than to show you. Seek to learn it yourself and don’t wait, lest you end up like my dumbass fighting for hours trying to upload my shit to various search engines, and not having the first damn clue what the fuck I’m doing. < (Sometimes it’s the little things that slow even the most ambitious people down.) 😀

 

 

When asked what my greatest strength was, My response was an honest one, I MAKE MY OWN FUCKING DECISIONS, I DON’T TRUST ANYONE’S WORD, WHEN THEY DON’T REALLY KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT THE SITUATION BUT THE SCARRED POINT OF VIEW OF THE ONE IN NEED OF COMFORT AND THEIR OWN BLEEDING HEARTS, TO GUIDE MY LIFE. TALK ME DOWN, DON’T THINK YOU’RE WISE ENOUGH TO TALK ME OUT OF SHIT, I WILL TAKE WHAT I AGREE WITH INTO CONSIDERATION, FUCK THE REST. – YOU’RE NOT ME, DON’T TRY TO BE THAT DAMN COOL. 😀

 

This illustrates, a bad cycle of how people ALLOW others, even the well meaning ones, TO FUCK SHIT UP! It’s not wrong to need or ask for advice, just realize that when you do, they are hearing the emotion wrought from confusion, which hinders anyone’s ability to aid one in an objective fashion, ESPECIALLY IF THEY CARE, because then their emotions get embroiled in the equation and the result from actions committed on behalf of that advice creates a POTENTIAL CLUSTERFUCK. Points of relevance: If the person is truly INTENT on helping you through a rough patch, wisdom comes in the form of “consider this” or “Have you considered this?” “If you have considered that, then you might try this to see if the path gets any more clear for you.” What to watch for: “If I were you, I would.”  or “You’re right to feel this way.” Are they? How THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW? Without knowing all points of the situation. Advice givers are incredibly shitty about projecting themselves on the party who needs advice in true ARROGANCE, whether they mean to or not. It doesn’t HELP, if you only serve to make the situation worse by acting WISE and NOT ACTUALLY BEING IT. Beware EMOTION when being objective. Have you read my shit? I have my moments……clearly. I give EXAMPLES. I am only blatant about the real obvious, things like ” DON’T START WHAT YOU CAN’T FINISH.” “IF YOU ARE A LARGE TARGET, DON’T BE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO DOES SHIT THAT MERITS RETALIATION, BECAUSE YOU’RE ASKING FOR IT NO MATTER YOU’RE TRAUMA, chances are you are not the ONLY fucked up individual involved, Did I mention the word CLUSTERFUCK Already? Here is yet another thing to Watch for, if the person knows that more than one side of the equation is fucked and STILL pushes you to act a certain way, be mindful of any PERSONAL ISSUES of the advice giver themselves as it MAY BE that they are goading you for THEIR BEST INTERESTS rather than YOUR BEST INTERESTS.

POINT OF LESSON: CHOOSE, don’t let some other motherfucker CHOOSE FOR YOU, that’s the REAL disaster waiting to happen.