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All posts for the month December, 2014

The great thing about square one, or true square one, is the ability to start over with those little things that you always thought were so damn important until you get a good dose of reality and realize that they aren’t shit in the grand scheme of things out of your way. Of course when you first find yourself at square one, you’re not really looking at it from the benefits you gain perspective, but rather from the, alright now how the fuck do I get myself out of this one, point of view. Remember that post from the 6th of May? Yeah well on the 22nd I would be served with a DVP or a fuck you, show up to court just one more time notice based solely off of the strength of being spotted in one of the few pockets of civilization that has places that you can actually apply for jobs a,t there in the Kanawha Valley of no where West Virginia. Getting thoroughly sick of this cunt sending cops everywhere I go, I left of my own volition, taking to the streets. Oh my God he used such a strong word there, some of you might say, or keep crying others might, but there is something inherently wrong with the head of a fucking person who will spread rumors of how “dangerous” I am for a full three months BEFORE filing for the DVP, if they are TRULY SCARED of what I might do. FACT: I was making headway and someone wanted to set me back. As I will point out later on, There is no way you can spend 24/7 up someones ass for a good span of years and NOT KNOW EVERY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET, every illegal act, from drug use on up that they have. When that person holds a social title, that knowledge becomes a threat to all they have and even when it doesn’t staying in the lime light like I was keeping myself would eventually prove all of their accusations to be exactly what they were, fabricated bullshit spewed by an art community politician to protect their ass and be vindictive about it while not appearing that way. Unfortunately in this era, you can be at the bottom of the barrel and STILL not be erased from the scene. So let’s finish May, I’m actually a little more anxious to introduce you to the “Diary of The Vagabond King” which was my way of turning my homeless stint into a Mr. Rogers field trip for everyone I knew to see how the other side lived, as I took them step by step not only through my daily life but the moves made to regain my ground in the process. In short, 😀 Now the story gets good.

 

May 13th

“The TRUTH against the WORLD”- Translated inscription on the barrels of the two ancient relics with the sandlewood grips.

 

May 16th

It’s one Hell of a learning curve, but I think I finally really understand the importance of spirituality. When both reason and emotion fail to offer any real solution, faith counts for a lot, especially the faith that some prove they have in you, when others including yourself have lost theirs.

Comments.

NC:  Sometimes a helping hand comes without strings.

TH: Amen!

(It is ironic, how once you have the power, the mask starts to slip and as it does, everyone starts seeing what and who you really are. This was beginning to happen to my ex wife it seemed, little by little she was alienating every one who she could afford to who would not completely side with her against me. A bad tactic for one standing on a platform of being all inclusive when those in her spot before her did much to run people off from that theater. 😀 The same old swan song of one who attempts to HIDE who they are, when the fact is no one really can, and not for long anyway.)

 

May 18th

Need to go find me a good dose of anti-venom. Anyone know where to look? < ( I was still searching in vain for a place to call work and getting no where, on top of the building anger anger.)

 

 Anti-venom obtained, it would seem long, philosophically pondering walks do wonders for the soul.

Comments.

RN: Now you’re thinking!

DN: Sometimes those solitary walks serve to remind us that we’ve accomplished more than we originally believed. This is the difference between looking back, as opposed to turning back.

 

May 23rd

It seems despite my best efforts and whatever PUBLIC announcements of good intentions, I just keep finding myself run out of the only places I have to go because someone keeps sending the police over nothing. Notice that date in the lower half of the second photo, the original date this was filed. It is May 6th. So if I disappear in a few days, know that I am either once again in jail for no reason, or my general state of being has finally caught up with me. My new residence is now 501 I think, or 505 Leon Sullivan Way. In case my stating for the RECORD that this is my way of simply INFORMING my people of my whereabouts and why.

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Comments.

AMJ: This is BS. If I were you I would go file an order for stalking and harassment against her. It’s clearly another effort to control and you can prove it given the post where you presented your means to get back on your feet (posted the SAME day).

RN: Yes this is bullshit! She’s the one who needs a friggin shrink < ( Her co worker, by the way in case you had not gotten that from some of our conversations before.) 

NC: Yep. Stalker was my first thought as well. < ( Like Me a master at sarcasm. :D)

 

That was posted as I sat in the center court of the Town Center Mall, I wasn’t going to, but I figured what the fuck, I might as well skim line the system that she was blatantly exploiting just to show the truth. It would be my last post for three days as I headed towards the two shelters for men in the heart of Charleston, only to arrive and see a whole bunch of motherfuckers lined up out side sitting under the interstate exit of Leon Sullivan Way. I snapped, in true Forrest Gump fashion and I started walking, I would not stop walking for three days, getting only little cat naps here and there when I could go no further, sometimes in an underpass, sometimes inconspicuously at a bus stop bench appearing like I was actually waiting for the bus. This was my second long ass walk of the year, and by far my longest. From Chesapeake to Charleston, Charleston to Marmet, Marmet to Kanawha State Forest, Kanawha State Forest to Corridor G, Corridor G back to Kanawha City, Kanawha City back to Charleston. All the while scavenging and gearing up for what ever would come next.

 

May 26th

I have spent since Friday on constant go, from Chesapeake to Downtown Charleston, back to Kanawha City, to Marmet, through Kanawha State Forest into Corridor G, back to KC and now finally back to Downtown Charleston. Walking all the way, sleeping very little, living on water and wild strawberries. You know what? I’m proud, I had the heart and the sense not to allow myself to be goaded into validating some bullshit spewed, and for always having the guts to stand up to anyone for what I know is right, even when doing so, left me standing alone. That is something no one can take from me. Take care.

Comments.

TH: “To thine own self be true”- Shakespeare

 

This was the day before my court appearance, words could not describe just how thoroughly disgusted I really was, but I held on to some sense of self through it all, because there really was at that point, a big part of me that I had to fight back that was saying ” Alright bitch, be careful what you wish for.” I gutted it out, took my six months of being told to do what I was already fucking doing in the first place and started making a plan for my next move. I would return to Marmet, being a small town I was less likely to find the same kind of trouble that i would in the city, I decided that I could not keep going on the move I needed to set up a base to work from. By day I hung out in the park by the locks, charging my phone when needed at the picnic tables, outlet, by night I traveled along the river bank and set up camp far enough away and unseen by the towns people that I knew I wouldn’t get fucked with. This was the beginning of survival mode. My phone, while no longer being active via a card still had the ability to pick up Wi-Fi and this was how I managed to continue staying in contact with all of my people throughout the ordeal.

 

May 29th

ALIVE – at the moment that is all anyone needs to know.

Comments.

NC:  Glad to hear it. Stay safe.

 

I would go a couple more days until luck would allow me to go somewhere safe for a couple weeks until my next court appearance on the 13th of June. I remember staying at Motel 6 on the night of the 30th just to take a shower and get ready to travel north towards Parkersburg, to hang out with some cousins of mine. I was feeling a little primal in those early days, it was a new experience for me and I was adjusting, learning, planning for a way back. In true smart ass fashion I went to my now defunct actors page where I was still connected with people from the past and made it a point to fucking laugh about the LARPing experience I was having, playing Ranger out in the wilds. I smiled as I wrote this as a single line written by J.R.R. Tolkien came to mind, “The Crownless Again Shall Be King.” I knew that word would get spread. anything to show the epic fail behind trying to take me out.

 

May 31st

My first brand-too. I’m a geek and I was bored out in the wilds with nothing to do, and it was a chilly night. 😀 < ( I did say I was feeling a little primal…..right? 😀 So I took to a minor bout of body modification, on the night in the early morning hours of the 30th, I woke up cold and relit the camp fire  before deciding, what the Hell, why not. Primal.)

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Later that day I put up a In A Relationship notice, It was my intent to strip some of the bitches power from her while I disappeared from the area for a few days. I had figured that most of the ones who had been duped by her bullshit would stop looking for me with the idea that I had moved on. I had no way of telling friend from foe among those who remained and so I took to generating a quiet grape vine that could get motherfuckers off my back and allow me time to rebuild my foundations. I was otherwise OFF THE GRID. I would return to Marmet after my court appearance and start making a solid move at making it my base until I could make something break. The time I spent in Parkersburg became a matter of dealing with the total psychological back lash from all that had occurred and was also where I wrote “Angels Light” as seen from an earlier entry on here. I decided then that I was not going to go down like this. For those who have returned to the blog from the early times when, all it had was a coming soon post, You are about to get the full account of why the Hell it took me so long to finally get it up and running, but hey, I was writing the content for it as I went along… 😀 Told everyone I had a plan.

Today’s Picture Post is a rather solid message, brought to you by Dwayne Johnson, Because The Rock says……… Actually quite a bit more than just Know Your Damn Role. 😀

 

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“Out came the claws and the fangs been out ever since then, but up until the instant, that I went against it. It was ingrained in me that I wouldn’t amount to a shitstain I thought , No wonder I had to unlearn everything my brain was taught.” – Eminem “Guts over Fear”

Yeah, ghosts really do make good bio-exorcists. I say this because I have learned the hard way that even when the source of your malice is gone the damage done leaves you mean as fuck, at the first reminder of it, or even the idea of it happening again, because the nerve is still raw and it leaves you feeling exposed and vulnerable. Can’t have that shit, can we ? This last year has taught me one thing. I took pride in giving credit to what earned it and giving Hell to the ones who earned it through their actions or inaction’s. But who earns what? That is what has got me wondering if I don’t take shit too far sometimes. When someone goes through a traumatic experience, that trauma will manifest itself in different ways for different people. What merits a comeback to the action of another? I mean you don’t give someone shit for walking with a limp when they sprain an ankle, do you? I think that has been my problem, I can see it now, this whole damn year I have been forced to learn how to survive other peoples shit, but now that the worst of that is over I realize the need to look at how to survive my own shit. Jacking someone who does fucked up shit to someone for the Hell of it is one thing, jacking someone who is just trying to figure out to survive in the face of something that did damage to them, that’s something else. I stress honesty with yourself in these times when you find yourself having to question that, did I ever take it too far bitch slapping someone like me? You can’t always hold the things some people do against them, not really because sometimes it is too much like giving shit to someone for walking with a limp when they have a sprained ankle. That said, once you KNOW what has caused this damage for what it is you are left with a CHOICE, you can either give up all together, recognize what needs fixed and decide that you will NO LONGER ALLOW IT TO CONTROL WHO YOU ARE, or you can continue to LET IT DICTATE WHO YOU ARE. If that last choice is the one you go with, you NO LONGER HAVE THE RIGHT TO LAY BLAME for what YOU CHOOSE TO DO TO ANOTHER. Not on anyone else BUT YOUR DAMN SELF. Like all things it comes down to making the CHOICE of WHO YOU WANT TO BE, the kind of person you want to be. I am in the process of retraining my own mind, because I DON’T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED BY A GODDAMN GHOST ANYMORE. It’s MY LIFE, I control who I will become, now that the slate has been wiped clean.

 

” I know what it was like  I was there once, single parents, hate your appearance. Did you struggle to find your place in this world and the pain spawns all the anger on, but it wasn’t till I put the pain in song, learned who to aim it on that I made a spark, started to spit hard as shit, learned how to harness it while the reigns were off. And there was a lot of bizarre shit, but the crazy part was soon as I stopped saying I gave a fuck haters started to appreciate my art. AND IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART, TO LOOK AT ALL THE PAIN I’VE CAUSED, but what am I gonna do when the rage is gone and the lights go out in that trailer park?” – Eminem “Guts Over Fear”

 

If you make the choice to be more than what others will try to dictate you become through the damage they inflict, the first thing I found it necessary to do is to gain some sense of SELF, in my case it has been taking a look at the principles by which you wish to define yourself and then take account of what actions fit those principles, this would become the core of rebuilding the SELF. I take responsibility for what I HAVE done that may have been more than what was merited, NO MORE, NO LESS. This too is important for in the process of rebuilding yourself, life continues at it’s own fucking pace, you WILL STUMBLE ALONG THE WAY UNTIL YOU GET A FOOT HOLD. Own it, figure out what can be done different, move on. BEAT YOURSELF UP TOO LONG, or for shit that wasn’t even a factor, or yours to CLAIM for that matter and you do more to hinder your progress than to help it. SEE WHO YOU REALLY ARE, so that you may properly gauge how far you have to go to BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

 

” So till the break of dawn, here I go recycling the same old song, but I’d rather make Not Afraid 2, than make another motherfucking We Made You uh. And I don’t want to seem indulgent when I discuss my lows and my highs, my demise and my uprise. Pray to God I just opened enough eyes later on and gave you the supplies and the tools, to hopefully use that’ll make you strong, enough to lift yourself up when you feel like I felt, cause I can’t explain to y’all how dang exhausted my legs felt, just trying to balance my dang self, but on eggshells I was made to walk, but thank you ma cause that gave me the, strength to cause Shadymania.” – Eminem “Guts Over Fear”

 

Use it, use it all. Even the hardest shit to endure can be the greatest gift you ever got, if you CHOOSE to let it fuel you in a way that allows you to build something from it rather than destroy EVERYTHING YOU ENCOUNTER THEREAFTER. This becomes the balancing act as you heal, keep those who see this for what it is and will STAND WITH YOU, because they are the ones that will see you through it, if the CHOICE YOU MAKE is one that ALLOWS you to actually do so, 😀 You know, like letting others who might be going through the same thing know that you understand and will help in every way you can. – Love BIG CAT