From the teacher who got miffed because I refused to utter even One more word of a Pledge that I had already spoken and had yet to do anything to break, To the preacher who always smiled at the 7 year old boy until the day I asked “Does God have a boss?” The tolerant preacher looked at me and said “No son, God is The Boss, He is the boss over everything.” “Then why did Jesus HAVE to die in order for Him to forgive us, if He wasn’t made to?” The preacher, losing patients reverts to standard Christian structure. “Because he is God and that’s how He decided it should be done and you don’t question that,none of us do, it’s not our place.” To which, in true child fashion I asked my last question. “Doesn’t that make God as mean as the Devil himself?” That preacher never smiled at me again, in fact you would think he believed he was looking at Damien, when he even bothered to look at me at all after that.
I can picture the squint and the frown of the psychiatrist who did my psych evaluation when my response to his question of “You can see how this can be taken as a threat, don’t you?” Was ” You just said you could see where it was all metephore just a second ago, so I have to ask How would you have really viewed it if you had just come across it on the internet first rather than getting it faxed to you from a prosecutors office in regards to a felony case?” I never got an answer.
My point, I have always been stuck IN this world, but I have never been OF it. Never fit in, never belonged, little of it has ever made any fucking sense to me. I don’t know why, I do know this to be why I went silent for so long, and even that didn’t help, I was still the vampire, the warlock, the satanist, the serial killer the freakshow in the eyes of most around me.
I have always been IN this world, but never OF it. My last great conflict is drawing to a close as I finally start to realize, that really isn’t a bad thing.
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