Alright, so far I have blasted you with a bunch of Woe is Me Bullshit, now let me take a moment to look on the bright side…. Yes pessimists, life has those too, but the trick is not knowing WHERE to look for it, but rather HOW to look for it. I thought it only fitting for this EXAMPLE, to use a tale from my recent months that I’ll just call:  “THINGS NO OFFSPRING SHOULD EVER HEAR THEIR FATHER SAY, WHEN THEY ARE HALF ASLEEP.”


My father and I were on the road, I was sick as a damn dog (and you get the story on that later as well.) I was nodding off in the passenger seat, drawn into that weird kind of half asleep, half awake mode caused by the discomfort of sleeping in cars. When I hear.  ” I want to feel your lips around the head of my dick.” It’s like one of those moments in a horror movie where the victim very slowly opens their eyes as if the speed at which they do it is somehow going to magically make what they just know is there any less horrible. Whuuuu?   the fuck? I thought.  “DICK!!!!” Suddenly the truck swerved slightly but enough to bounce my head off the passenger side window. “Ahh man What the FUCK??!!!” I exclaimed, as I looked over and saw my father precariously juggling his cell phone with his driving duties. “You son of a bitch….oh you’ll write that.” He said. Apparently his text now read I want to feel your lips around the head of my you son of a bitch, because his voice command texting seems to have an easier time registering a phrase like you son of a bitch then it does a simple four letter word, even screamed like DICK!!!! Again we swerve as he erases the error to try again. “DICK!!!!!”  I sat there just staring in amazement at the pitiful scene, I mean how the fuck can a person even attempt to get off being that aggravated anyway, unless you’re counting make up sex, but that’s got face to face value for the revving up of animalistic instinct. My brother and I laugh at this story because he had the same thing happen to him, only that time he and dad were in a motel room for the night. Now my brother being a more excitable person than I am had jumped out of his bed yelling. “Motherfucker I will shoot you.” Yeah, my life has never been RIGHT for so many reasons. Heh Heh Anyway on to the point, when something this traumatizing occurs you have yourself a few options. One, you can let that shit haunt you for the rest of your life, and if that haunting is of your father yelling “DICK!!!” while you are trying to sleep, dude I can sympathize, believe me. Two, you can get all care bear offended by the sexual perversion of the situation as a whole. Three, just say fuck it and take the lesson for what it is. That latter was the option I chose, I had enough haunting my ass at that point anyway, so the lesson I chose to take from it. Until voice command texting reaches fucking Starfleet standards, using voice command functions for sexting is not but an exercise in epic fucking frustration. You see? It really is all in HOW you look at it.