Music

“By the time you hear this I will have already spiraled up, I would never do nothing to let you cowards fuck my world up. If I were you I would duck or get struck like lightning, Fighters keep fighting put your lighters up point em skyward, uh” – Eminem

There had been a strange sort of social gathering in front of the courthouse in Spencer the day of my trial, one that had lasted roughly five times as long as the trial itself, which was simply a matter of beginning the plea process. In honesty I thought it would have been harder than it was, while I still had a sickening knot in my stomach signing my name to the papers that would see me plea guilty to the misdemeanor charge that had been tacked on by the grand jury in exchange for the felony being dropped, that knot was still considerably more loose than the one I had walked into the courthouse with before I knew the prosecution was offering any kind of deal at all. Like I had said previously, I will take a loss in battle for the sake of staying in the war itself. There was zero chance of me getting out of anything had I fought the charges for multiple reasons, I had no one fighting that battle on my side really, I was an outsider in a town where my jury would be selected from people who had been hearing my name over the radio during each step of the process. There was simply no way to get out of this ordeal unscathed, luckily I had been spending the whole fucking year learning how to live with getting scathed so I was a little more prepared for damage control than I had been for the fight itself. That social gathering out front of the courthouse consisted of myself, NC and her son, my brother and oldest nephew, and I was surprised though more by his presence than by his being unfashionably late, my father, ( Though in his defense the whole damn thing was over in about ten minutes, and that included my meeting with the probation officer afterward to set an appointment for initial probation interview in case the judge went with it for sentencing. Spoiler alert, he did.)  It was celebration for a about an hour as everyone was introduced and was catching up on various things that had been going on in our lives. It was a gathering of FAMILY, REAL FAMILY both blood and non blood, I had felt better that day than I had in very long time the greatest weight I was lugging around for almost a year had finally been lifted. My brother pulled me aside and was going on and on about my run of Story Time that I had put up in six posts, about how it had spread like wild fire around his house everyone getting in on it waiting for each new part to the story, I decided then that I would go back to it, it actually did represent the first thing that I had actually written through to completion and it just felt like it was not over yet. Something in me was changing and I was starting to realize that just as I had set myself up for the fall, so too had been setting myself up for the comeback and now it was time to push on. We parted ways from the courthouse and upon returning to the farm I remember going upstairs to the studio above the garage I had spent the night before up there, catching up on Arrow because there was no way in Hell sleep was going to happen that night and thinking back almost a year before to the day I was arrested right outside the door on the porch. The worst was over now and I remember crashing on the bed, an actual bed, something I had not really had the luxury of for a long ass time and I got the best few hours of sleep I had, had in well over a year or since for that matter. I returned to the mountain that night an celebrate on that warm Summer evening looking up at the stars and laying out what my next move would be. Over the next couple weeks I would make a return to story time A seven part run this time that was a prequel of sorts to the first run. I would continue writing but more importantly I would spend my time setting things up.

 

September 1st

 

Alright all stragglers, you have one week to check out the first draft structure of story time, after that it gets removed from my wall so the real work can start on it. I’m actually gonna have time to do that, soon. Story time will however return soon, this time with a whole new story that will be completely seperate from these last two. I’m liking the per post structure. It is great for mapping out the whole story while leaving plenty of room for plot enhancement when it is time to get serious.

Thank you for the personal reviews, they have helped a lot, 😀 especially one that would compare the story to a national bestselling series…..That’s right I get the last laugh on that one after all. < I had a smart ass buddy make a joke about how they could tell I was Team Jacob because my character and base for BIG CAT turns into a giant black tiger. 😀 This post was in regards to the second story I did in seven parts, which told back story to the first story I did. As I have said these two stories became what I would build on for the upcoming full length novel “The Tale Of The Twin Flames”

 

September 2nd

 

Diary of a Vagabond King
THE EPILOGUE
Well, gave everyone an idea of where I am at on a rather spiritual level at this point, but that wasn’t the only tale that needed a happy ending, was it? First off, damn I couldn’t spread that stack well enough to catch it all on this phone. 😀 I know, I know, money isn’t everything, but like another great artist once said ” It’s not about money, it’s about sending a message.” and in this case that message is…. 😀 No one and I mean NO ONE tells a fucking TIGER what to do, or tells them what their value is for that matter…..unless, you know, they’re freakish German tiger whispering, illusionists, but even then, shit happens. I just met with a man earlier today, before the rain could postpone that meeting yet again and I will be starting a second job, and for awhile anyway my paydays double. I never really did get to check much on that other shit I did prior to finding my new spot and well, as you can see, now I don’t really need to, my front door still zips rather than locks, but that will soon change as well. Friday I go back to Spencer, one more time to find out what(SMACK) 😀 my slap on the wrist for what bullshit that managed to actually stick will be. This is the end of the vagabond king, because by the time I get the itch or the time to give you an update, I will no longer BE a vagabond. She was right, once I make it to the end of this road I will no longer have any reasons to doubt myself. There is still no going back for me though, the hard cold fact remains that for somethings there can be no redemption. LOL like a hobbit, I can go there and back again, but shit just won’t be the same. I don’t fancy the idea of hanging around an area with too many people that I will never be able to look at the same way after knowing how easily I can be discarded in the face of SIMPLY being an inconvenience to the shit they find soooo important. Just as I know, that they will never be able to look at me the same way again, not after finding out that, the quiet one, the tall, dark and brooding one, that shows a sweet side, even though he has to silently fight his inner demons, has a rather vile and soulless side and that side just won’t let them skate with the bullshit. Far better to just start over somewhere new when it’s all said and done. Let me just wrap this up by saying, I’m all good, I was always going to be, because I am far too fucking stubborn to be anything but, no matter what gets thrown at me. LOL in a few days time I will activate the magic card GRACEFUL CHARITY. That will begin the next phase beyond JUST surviving. Yes that was a metaphor. 😀 Till next time. 

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Comments:

TCH: Rest in peace to the Vagabond King. Happy he didn’t die, but Evolved. I know you would never choose to relive this chapter of your life but maybe it was essential to your “metamorphosis”. Blessings to you on your journey.

Shayne: Yeah God knows, I don’t think I can handle this shit AGAIN when I’m 55. 😀

CL: Lol I sure hope not little brother

 

September 4th

 

😀 The Device!!!! I now have a farrrr better tool than this DAMN PHONE, uuuggghhh, now if only I can remember how to use one of these fucking things. < It was time to invest in the future so I took part of that knot and got a lap top for ease of use, now I was about to get serious.

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I thought it might take me a couple more days than it did to become a little more batman like with the gadgets, first things first, i’m gonna make an ass out of myself (Heh, heh, I know nothing new right?) and assume everyone is caught up completely on story time. As in I’m pulling that shit, now that I actually can commit to the real work to be done to it. 😀 And yes, I am well aware of the grammar issues, it’s just on Face Book I don’t tend to give a fuck about such things, but hey at least I don’t falter when it comes to NOT using that damn text jargon like: sihdgeorhgweuh, You know what that means? Not a damn thing, just like the rest of that shit. LOL

 

September 6th

 

Holy Shit! I just converted both runs of story time into a Word document, it totaled 14,430 words and took up 19 pages and that was without proper spacing. I did that…..on a fucking phone.

 

September 7th

 

Fucking insomnia, oh well, with my first story tucked safely away on my lap top, ready for extensions and revisions, I think it’s time to roll some more dough while that bun is in the oven. 😀 Story Time is up next kids, with the opening chapter of an all new story. This ones different, first off it is total fabrication, you will find neither Natasha nor me in this tale, however think of it as being in the same universe. Remember when Natasha warned that she wasn’t all there was in the other realm? YESSSSS where before I gave you the heartfelt light of inspiration, I return now….to the dark side. In this story you will meet the polar opposite of the guardians and guides… the tricksters. 😀 Yes THIS is a horror story, one that shows us a small piece of what lurks in the dark corners of places better left to those with guidance.

 

September 8th

 

Finally got to take the weed eater to the hill. Oh picture two is reverse angle, I can’t remember if I ever showed you my humble abode, that red folding chair to the left 😀 that’s the throne of the king of the mountain, Big Cat. It is also my DJ booth for jukebox night my writing chair and my meditation chamber. That vehicle parked in the background, that’s my job and gas station shuttle.

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September 11th

 

I love my early morning visitors, though last night Pepe broke the line of the no skunk zone.

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September 12th

 

Another story now converted to Word and locked away. This one stood at 10 pages, 7333 words. That last one will see publication first as it is meant to be a short story. The first two runs as you know combine, but there is still a lot of information that needs filled in along with the revisions.

So, while I work on the revisions for the last story, We are going to switch gears here with story time. Your next story is a bit of fan fiction, in other words, just for shits and giggles and to keep my flow going while I get that last piece ready to make it’s acquaintance with a much larger audience. < That was my third short story in right at a month, and it was now ready to be edited, though I would find that there is a practice issue involved where formatting for e books were concerned. I would continue on my tear with a bit of fan fiction that I will not name at this time but I will make available when it is finished as it is that may be some time off considering I have a lot of other work to do.

 

September 15th

 

That was fucked up yo. Have you ever had a dream that you were in the middle of nowhere, dozing off in a car, when suddenly someone you can’t see starts knocking at the driver side window? Only to wake up in a vehicle, in the middle of nowhere, wondering if someone had creeped up here and was fucking with you. Damn, there went my one good hours sleep.

Comments:

NC: Yikes. Those dreams do rattle the brain. Jot it down for future use in your writing.

 

September 19th

 

Damn yo, this little gangster just parked right behind me, stuck his fuzzy head out the window and asked. “What da fuck are you gonna do about it?”

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September 22nd

 

😀  Big Cat approves of this message. LOL

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September 25th

 

Alright someone plant a boot firmly in my ass. Katy Perry was one thing, she’s cool, but when I’m taking on Demi Lovato and Ariana Grande JUST because Google Play is giving it away for free…….just fucking shoot me already. < By now you no doubt notice that this month had a completely different vibe to it. Fun at times, I was mainly busy as fuck with my writing. I had something to focus on again, and the tools needed to focus on it with no real distractions……yet the worst distraction would come later when a trusted member of the 37 went rogue on my ass, causing the beast to come forth again. Already tired and jaded but riding a serious vibe for my comeback, that was an interruption and loss that would damn near take me out, a fact that would make me far meaner than I had been with the previous batch. I still push on, that’s life, no matter how sick of it you get, some things are minor and forgivable, some things make you wish certain people would just fucking hang themselves by the cheap dog collars they wear because they would be doing the world a fucking favor if they did. You still can’t let anything stop you from moving forward, not when it’s the mission that matters most. For me there will be time enough to rest when I decide to finally enact the Ben Kenobi Initiative. 😀

 

September 28th

 

In about two days, I should/will be sharing something with you from the Amazon web store. That being my first published work. The Calibre program is thankfully really easy to use, except for a couple spots that, well lets face it, it doesn’t look like much but when it comes to formatting it’s the little things that look easy to fix that causes you to throw a fucking temper tantrum and rip your damn hair out. It’s nothing major and honestly my ebook STILL looks pretty damn awesome. in the Kindle format my little story that had fewer parts than either of the ones before it, is 45 pages long. I am right now installing the bad ass paint shop pro so that I can design a cover for it. Pretty sure I can finish that shit up tomorrow, normally it only takes a few hours, for the publication to hit the online stores, but it can take days, we’ll see, but that’s your update.  < Another issue I had was learning what I needed, how to use it and ofcourse much later how the fuck to find the time and all the best ways to promote your own shit.

 

September 30th

 

Awight, here’s the score. I just fought for hours with the fucking formatting only to realize the problem was so damn stupid it isn’t funny. It seems when you save your Word document as an HTML file, you really need to go to page layout and click on PAGE BREAK as this will insert the coding to break up the pages as they were in the original text document. Yeah no wonder I wanted to go fucking nuts over lines bleeding on to the following page. grin emoticon It’s fixed, it is uploaded into my Kindle Direct Publishing bookshelf, two things, tomorrow they will validate my tax information and then I can click publish, 12 hours after that it should be in Amazon stores……Winning!! LOL < One step closer to becoming published for the first time. I was actually quite excited despite being aggravated as all Hell at the hours of tweaking that I had to do. I understood that the first time was always going to be the hardest, learning what you need to, creating your system. It was all a challenge but a much welcome one compared to everything else I had faced at this point.

 

 

This is what my snazzy ass looking book cover I designed looks like.

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Comments:

DM: That’s your picture with face paint like The Crow, right? Bevel and emboss on Photoshop?

10689419_750093995056352_2797033730163851352_n < This was the picture that he was referring to.

Shayne: Damn you’re good son. There was a little more to it than that. I erased certain features like the eyes and mouth painted them in then used the warp brush to the brows and mouth to make the fangs. I think I might have used the (maybe pencil art effect, can’t remember my damn brain is fried from fighting with the format all day.) And that is 35 year old aged newspaper I used to get the coloring. I actually used Paintshop Pro X7, I have to check to see if I got the name right.

SH: Very cool!

DM: I’m a self taught professional. I can spot most Photoshop tools and vaguely know what the original was if I’d seen it before. Still a cool outcome though. I like it.

Shayne:  I was gonna get someone to do the art from fiver, but ran short on time because I wanted to get the damn thing published going into October, being a horror story and all. 😀 I just took what I had available and played with it. I’m hoping in the future to have better covers, I might even go back through at some point later on and change the cover to this one, when my other stuff in the series starts coming out, to make it all more uniform.

 

Such a small thing, though not when you consider everything that had to happen just to get me to that point where that small thing had gotten accomplished. In fact you might call it a crowning achievement and it wasn’t just the story, it was the entire change in persona that allowed me to go from being the person who could not even get one thing written through to it’s completion, but three in one month. I will close this entry out in the same fashion that I started it.

 

“Now you wonder why he does it, how he does it
Wasn’t cause he had buzzards circlin’ around his head
Waiting for him to drop dead, was it?
Or was it cause them bitches wrote him off
Little hussy ass, scuzzes, fuck it, guess it doesn’t matter now, does it
What difference it make?
What it take to get it through your thick skulls
That this ain’t some bullshit
People don’t usually come back this way
From a place that was dark as I was in
Just to get to this place
Now let these words be like a switch blade to a haters rib cage
And let it be known that from this day forward
I wanna just say thanks cause your hate is what gave me the strength
So let em bic’s raise cause I came with 5’9″ but I feel like I’m 6’8″! ” – Eminem

 

 

 

“Out came the claws and the fangs been out ever since then, but up until the instant, that I went against it. It was ingrained in me that I wouldn’t amount to a shitstain I thought , No wonder I had to unlearn everything my brain was taught.” – Eminem “Guts over Fear”

Yeah, ghosts really do make good bio-exorcists. I say this because I have learned the hard way that even when the source of your malice is gone the damage done leaves you mean as fuck, at the first reminder of it, or even the idea of it happening again, because the nerve is still raw and it leaves you feeling exposed and vulnerable. Can’t have that shit, can we ? This last year has taught me one thing. I took pride in giving credit to what earned it and giving Hell to the ones who earned it through their actions or inaction’s. But who earns what? That is what has got me wondering if I don’t take shit too far sometimes. When someone goes through a traumatic experience, that trauma will manifest itself in different ways for different people. What merits a comeback to the action of another? I mean you don’t give someone shit for walking with a limp when they sprain an ankle, do you? I think that has been my problem, I can see it now, this whole damn year I have been forced to learn how to survive other peoples shit, but now that the worst of that is over I realize the need to look at how to survive my own shit. Jacking someone who does fucked up shit to someone for the Hell of it is one thing, jacking someone who is just trying to figure out to survive in the face of something that did damage to them, that’s something else. I stress honesty with yourself in these times when you find yourself having to question that, did I ever take it too far bitch slapping someone like me? You can’t always hold the things some people do against them, not really because sometimes it is too much like giving shit to someone for walking with a limp when they have a sprained ankle. That said, once you KNOW what has caused this damage for what it is you are left with a CHOICE, you can either give up all together, recognize what needs fixed and decide that you will NO LONGER ALLOW IT TO CONTROL WHO YOU ARE, or you can continue to LET IT DICTATE WHO YOU ARE. If that last choice is the one you go with, you NO LONGER HAVE THE RIGHT TO LAY BLAME for what YOU CHOOSE TO DO TO ANOTHER. Not on anyone else BUT YOUR DAMN SELF. Like all things it comes down to making the CHOICE of WHO YOU WANT TO BE, the kind of person you want to be. I am in the process of retraining my own mind, because I DON’T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED BY A GODDAMN GHOST ANYMORE. It’s MY LIFE, I control who I will become, now that the slate has been wiped clean.

 

” I know what it was like  I was there once, single parents, hate your appearance. Did you struggle to find your place in this world and the pain spawns all the anger on, but it wasn’t till I put the pain in song, learned who to aim it on that I made a spark, started to spit hard as shit, learned how to harness it while the reigns were off. And there was a lot of bizarre shit, but the crazy part was soon as I stopped saying I gave a fuck haters started to appreciate my art. AND IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART, TO LOOK AT ALL THE PAIN I’VE CAUSED, but what am I gonna do when the rage is gone and the lights go out in that trailer park?” – Eminem “Guts Over Fear”

 

If you make the choice to be more than what others will try to dictate you become through the damage they inflict, the first thing I found it necessary to do is to gain some sense of SELF, in my case it has been taking a look at the principles by which you wish to define yourself and then take account of what actions fit those principles, this would become the core of rebuilding the SELF. I take responsibility for what I HAVE done that may have been more than what was merited, NO MORE, NO LESS. This too is important for in the process of rebuilding yourself, life continues at it’s own fucking pace, you WILL STUMBLE ALONG THE WAY UNTIL YOU GET A FOOT HOLD. Own it, figure out what can be done different, move on. BEAT YOURSELF UP TOO LONG, or for shit that wasn’t even a factor, or yours to CLAIM for that matter and you do more to hinder your progress than to help it. SEE WHO YOU REALLY ARE, so that you may properly gauge how far you have to go to BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

 

” So till the break of dawn, here I go recycling the same old song, but I’d rather make Not Afraid 2, than make another motherfucking We Made You uh. And I don’t want to seem indulgent when I discuss my lows and my highs, my demise and my uprise. Pray to God I just opened enough eyes later on and gave you the supplies and the tools, to hopefully use that’ll make you strong, enough to lift yourself up when you feel like I felt, cause I can’t explain to y’all how dang exhausted my legs felt, just trying to balance my dang self, but on eggshells I was made to walk, but thank you ma cause that gave me the, strength to cause Shadymania.” – Eminem “Guts Over Fear”

 

Use it, use it all. Even the hardest shit to endure can be the greatest gift you ever got, if you CHOOSE to let it fuel you in a way that allows you to build something from it rather than destroy EVERYTHING YOU ENCOUNTER THEREAFTER. This becomes the balancing act as you heal, keep those who see this for what it is and will STAND WITH YOU, because they are the ones that will see you through it, if the CHOICE YOU MAKE is one that ALLOWS you to actually do so, 😀 You know, like letting others who might be going through the same thing know that you understand and will help in every way you can. – Love BIG CAT

We now move into April of 2014, where we start to see a marked change, the edge starts coming back, at first it is just a matter of propelling myself forward, all I did was work in those days, day and night. It caused a resurgence of confidence, for the first time since I first left my ex wife in August of 2013 , you know before the control freak bitch sought to send Johnny Law Dog after my ass, I felt the strength needed to move forward. Yeah I got a little cocky, 😀 but it was a veneer for the most part as I was starting to figure out the closer it came to my next court date on the 25th, returning to the valley from sanctuary caused all sorts of bad shit to snap back at me and made me realize that it was the environment that had been doing me the most good.

 

April 1st

New ghetto proverb: Don’t have the problem with what I relate to, have the problem with what makes me relate to it. < ( You will be seeing these until September there are ten of them, and they make up the foundation of a little thing I called the unspoken ethic. 😀 sound familiar? )

 

April 2nd

So I just spent the last 4 hours of my life trying to figure out how I broke my phone, whether or not a storm was coming or a tower on the fizz. And then I found it, that little check mark in my settings, that allows me to turn my 3G network off and on.

feeling like a dumb ass. < (So….I was a day late playing my April Fools Day prank on myself.)

Comments

TH: It’s ok Shayne. I noticed my phone was roaming and it was doing it for hours. I thought Ntelos was down. I had to enable my wifi for Facebook etc. after I read this I thought hmmm and went into my settings. There was no check mark for 3G but on of the kids apparently turn on the roaming feature. After I turned it off my phone had 4 bars without roaming.

TH:  So… Thank you for your helpful post

 

April 3rd

When will it stop? When will I knock the crap off? ( knock, knock, knock) Theodora tell em baby. “Meow dad’s lost it.” < ( There would much more of Shady before all was said and done, Hell there still is, but my real reason for adding this one was for the comments as RN was the legal go between during my divorce, he was appointed BY my ex wife to be such. Now the divorce was already over but my ex kept dangling my shit that I had to leave behind in front of my face, I knew it was just to piss me off, that I was never getting it back, but the important factor here will reveal itself in May when the bitch got a DVP or Domestic Violence Petition for putting in Job applications and setting up a bank account. Alas I jump ahead.)

Comments

RN: What’s up brother?

Shayne: I’ve been around my brother enough that I am starting to develop his habit of saying stupid random shit while I work and today there was no one to listen to it so I word vomited here. 😀

RN: And it happens. Not harm done then. Just was concerned brother- you’ve been doing to good to throw it all away. Was asked if you wanted your stuff? Anything still over there that you want?

Shayne: It matters not I still have no where for it. Wouldn’t want to go back for it anyway, and I would have to because I would have to,,spelunk for it myself.

RN: You wouldn’t go alone brother. That I can promise you. lol

Shayne: Nah Fuck It, she has earned the honorary bon fire rite. I got the clean slate for reinvention.

RN: Think about this before deciding. I’ve started over from scratch or less many times- there might be a few personal things? Let me know by Monday? Ok?

By the way, no I have not lost my mind. I am at my second job today, which is to say I’m working on MY shit between that and getting my old clunker fit for the road. Here is part of what I have been doing whilst fucking with everyone here. 😀

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April 4th

Yeah having an extra body part does not automatically mean that as a guy, it is my sole intent to keep you from being the effulgent ray of light you are, or that I don’t actually use the one on my shoulders to do my thinking with, but every time that assumption is made is another reason for me to scream FUCKING BITCH!! If you claim it’s wrong. IF you claim things should be different. Then watch what you spread, but most especially watch who you spread it to. < ( After my whole ordeal, I had a whole new beef with the psycho feminist fringe to say the least.)

 

April 5th

Patients that’s what I keep telling myself. Right now things are improving, but there is definite frustrations starting to brew from the fact that my limitations don’t present a good enough scenario for moving foward as fast or as well as I could if I were on my own. I have caught myself thinking too much on an end game while my focus now is more needed on figuring out how to weave through all the shit still holding me back to get to that end game. But how do I do it?……How do I do it?

Comments

TH: Rome wasn’t built in a day. It takes time to literally “build a new life” from scratch. Even more time if you wanna do it right. Hang in there. You got this.

RN:  Well first you forget the endgame crap- that means you’re still living in past with revenge on your mind. LET IT ALL GO- or it will derail you. Live for Today and plan for Tomorrow. Yesterday’s only takeaway your focus

Shayne: End game is just referring to the goal. That goal is to make my business ventures stackable. I’ve had to experiment a little bit to find what can easily work together so that wherever I go I can handle everything with more ease, make my own damn income as something more than someone else’s grunt. The acting bit will help but also gives me an excuse to travel which provides a means for direct expansion of everything else I do. The frustration is leveled at the fact that although I have a vehicle now, all it can do is sit until I find what’s making the engine miss, fix a bent back rim and replace the windshield. Until that time I am still limited in SELF mobility which is slowing progress. I actually have something besides daring to defy physics standing against a freight train like I did in February when I suddenly dropped 100 + people out of my life, in sight. That little faith trip I took was more a matter of trying to outsmart my nature, it was obvious to most. The trick was on me I actually did get shocked out of that downwards spiral. Imagine going to a court appointed psych eval prior to that little piece of perfect timing and having to try to convince a dogmatically narrow minded “Professional ” that it’s taking everything you have just to survive without ” oooooo scaring them. ” My situation has forced another part of my past to resurface, one I have spoken to very few about in any real detail, one that predates my ex wife. You might call it my first bane, it involves family and apparently I still have one more thing to work in reverse in order to move forward. I’m still at war, and wielding a pillow against a mace is not the smartest strategy. There may be some magical kingdom on the other side that is all love peace and happiness, where everyone gets along and no one fucks anyone over. It’s not this one. Here you fight to take your first steps to become a toddler, you fight to overcome bad habits, you fight your own damn feelings when dealing with assholes who will always try to make you feel less than them because its all they fucking have. Here the spirit can be still but that doesn’t make peace any less of a lie in a world where our crude ape forms have to struggle to overcome, only passion and the will to do so can carry you here. I can hate this world or I can pick my battles. I will always feel towards stupidity and wastes of space the way you do about dishonesty and liars. I will always state those feelings cause fuck em for making shit harder, that’s me, Hell why do you I spent so long hating myself for who I was. I became a hypocrite to everything I stood for and got addicted to the misery of it all and I called it Love, when it wasn’t. If I seem aggressive it’s because I don’t want to lose my new found momentum and slip back into a place where giving up looks like peace. It’s because I’m alive and for the first time in a monumentally long time, I’m hungry for something again and I know I can and will make it happen until that time it’s just another showdown of a different sort and until I reach what I’m aiming for I will stay at least partially in fight mode nothing is going to keep me from what I want, what I have to show people, not this time.

RN: First concept- fight mode? That must be the “warriors impeccability” you’re referring to; a true warrior never loses focus or allows their emotions to run anything within them. If anyone can make you happy sad mad or glad- they CAN control you. A warrior won’t indulge any of that when preparing or doing combat. This is another re

RN: Reason that the pipe was a integral part of their life. Our smoke calms the mind and relaxes the tension w/o intoxicating.
As far as the players , gamers, liars, two faces, etc- they can only harm you if you let them in. Realize what they’re about before you open your heart or personal life to them. They don’t matter unless you let them.

RN: My native name: Nupawarlanka means- Speaks Mind Twice As Strong. I speak the truth or what’s in my heart and that is all I speak unless joking. I respect and expect the same from all others that want to be”friends”; doesn’t mean they will do that or can be- but they don’t get in any farther until I know. Creator gave 2 eyes, 2 ears and 1 mouth- and that’s how you start sorting ppl out. Watch and Listen before you speak much of heart to them.
There never was or never will be a perfect magic kingdom as long as there are ppl in it. It’s not all the ppl but just as small percentage that make this world bad if you want to call it that. But as long as you only see the negative and feel the negative- that’s all you will attract. Point is- you must first learn to like yourself and respect yourself before anyone else will. Peace and Serenity come when insecurities and Ego’s are realized for what they are. Your Ego is your BEST FRIEND in a SURVIVAL situation; but getting it caged and not running your mind is a big step in finding spirituality. If you’re looking a life like it is a competition that’s what it will always be. If you look at it as a Learning journey you start to realize all things happen for a reason and all troubles or bad luck is a learning, growing experience and nothing but. It’s not personal- it’s knowledge you must learn to progress farther. Most don’t learn some lessons first time so they keep repeating the same mistake over and over again. PAY ATTENTION! lol
When I have problems come my way- I stop and try to give thanks for the knowledge I’m about to receive, then I ask Creator to guide me and help me to understand- and he always does; but I have to be watching for the signs and not wrapped up in my emotions. Emotions are mind fog and keep anyone from seeing clearly. I have lots of emotions and use them everytime they are warranted- but negatives aren’t indulged and followed very far. We are only human and not perfect; so this path stretches on and on- but we can speed up how long it takes us to reach our goals by not wasting time or energy on the negativity and bullshit.

RN: How about being thankful that you have a vehicle and plan what to fix as you can- with the vehicle and your path that you must take to reach your goals.
Personally I think you are doing very well and progressing nicely- but when I care; I really care
and tend to council those I care about. I desire to help others keep their focus, realize their self-worth and see their potential and downfalls. Ain’t love a bitch brother 

 

April 7th

Remember when I said; if I fall you will know why and if I rise you will know how? In the coming days you will have the opportunity to see for yourself, the guide lines I have started adhering to in order to regain a personal code and sense of identity. It is called The Unspoken Ethic and it is going through the last stages of development as we speak. It is part of a strategy to build Something of real benefit to everyone, but as such is going to have to gradually build while I proceed with other steps to further secure the ground I stand on.

 

 

😀 Like I said, I got a a little piss and vinegar going in my efforts, Oh and if you like the exchanges between RN: and I They get sooooo much better the further into the year it goes, after I got hit and left for dead I HAD to rely on my anger to survive. It created some heated and often wonderful philosophical duels, I still take much of what the man told me to heart like I said, there were those who stood with me from the start of the shit and are still with me now, I’m glad, this blog is at least proving I wasn’t half as crazy as I appeared to be at the time, that I was actually laying it out as it happened to me to tell the tale. And Now I am giving that Tale to you my readers. The later part of April will be next.

 

For two weeks after getting kicked out I sat watching more and more people turn away from me in the wake of a vicious rumor being spread about how DANGEROUS I was. A politicians way of covering their own ass after kicking me to the curb in the snow after telling everyone that we were going to be civil about the divorce and of course as a person of standing, a President in a non profit organization filled with people who made up that world people believed her shit over mine, I was JUST a volunteer. Like Rambo EXPENDABLE regardless of putting in as much time and effort as the person whose ass I had to be stuck up 24/7. I had already been to the first part of a two part court appointed psych evaluation, two weeks off my medication and staring down the second part of the evaluation, the hard part. The interview process. A seven hour ordeal that laid open so many OLD scars on top of what was quickly piling on all at once. The following is taken from posts in the early part of March as I faced that evaluation and finally got tired of all the damn prayers that wasn’t saving my ass from anything. As such in a thinly veiled attempt at passive suicide I challenged what ever God was out there to reveal themselves. The result, well you could base a movie on that shit alone, but it IS THE TRUTH about what happened as a result of my little Shadow Game with God.

 

March 1st

Please, this includes my family when I say. I don’t give a fuck. I’m done, been done. Ain’t nobody got time for that, least of all me. < (I had been informed of some smart ass gag played by a minion of the ex wife in regards to a charity my sister had set up on my behalf, after I had been kicked out. At that point I really didn’t give a shit, I said, in truth it was just adding on to everything I was already having too much trouble dealing with.)

 

March 4th

Here I sit a little over 5 hours away from the second half of a court appointed hoop that needs jumped. I am already behind, not having found a way to bring part of my defense to the table.

So much to focus on and I am failing to bring much fighting spirit to my side of things. What went wrong in me?

You know, someone once told me (in a conversation that took place not long before I kicked their ass to the curb) that no one is an island, not even me. That’s not always true. There comes a point when a break goes too far inside. When you find yourself starting all over again and you realize that the reason you are at that point is because you don’t believe in yourself and you haven’t for some time, that the first place you “have” to turn to is inward.

Before you can reestablish any real trust in those outside of yourself, you have to rebuild the trust you have in you.

I have thought about this and thought about this and I have to make a stand and say I don’t want charity. It isn’t pride that brought me to that decision but rather necessity. Charity can only block the one thing I need most right now, belief and self respect. I need this fear of failure to relight some spark that I am missing.

I can’t say I don’t need help, because I do. What I can say is, I need to earn that help, and I need that help to be a means to earn my way back to level ground.

I said you will see that everyone else got off light from my judgment. That however harsh I judged others from their interactions with me, I would be twice as harsh on myself. Some, maybe even out of kindness, maybe not, I don’t know, just compiled all the reasons I have to be pissed at myself for getting to this point, by not seeing me as the individual, or my need to be seen as such. Some were content in bias from second hand knowledge and some, I simply don’t want to face again without something of my own to bring to the table so that my connection to them is through no one else but me.

There is more to this rant. It ain’t over by a damn sight, but it’s late and I need to charge my phone before heading out in the morning so it will have to wait.

Comments

TH: Best of Luck. “It is your road to walk and yours alone. Others may walk it with you but none can walk it for you.” I hope you can get back on your feet again and reclaim the self respect that is a basic human need  < ( As mentioned before you will see that I found the REAL people who stood with me through everything and were a huge part in helping me stumble through that path.)

 

Tired, aggravated and sorely aware that every hit like the one I took today takes more than I have left to give. But to finish the point I was making early this morning, there is a fund raiser on my behalf, I’m wanting to pull it’s plug. I see no point in it, it has on some level added to the drama, I am trying to separate myself from. You want to help? Help me push my store front, I need to build up on my own or take a bow period. It’s natural selection no matter which side of it I sit on, whatever I get, I get.

Comments

JBL: It’s not time to take a bow my friend. I know there’s no way to understand that right now, but I’ve been at the bottom. And you’ll dig your way up too

Shayne:  I’m gonna give it everything I have left. When all is said and and done I will either stand or fall and if I fall, I will go down swinging that much I can still gurantee. 😀  Thanks for the vote of confidence, as long as someone believes I know it’s worth it for me to.

JBL: you only got to meet me after I put the shattered pieces back together with guitar strings and rolling papers, and a LOT of help from my friends. a LOT… lots of couch surfing, lots of nights not knowing where to go, lots of pain and tears and not being able to breathe.

RN: Prayers and smoke from sacred pipe in your behalf. Brother I know it’s hard and can beat you down- but you GOTTA HAVE FAITH. Creator works in many ways; the outcome is usually the start of your right path again. We lose our way easily in this world and don’t have elders to point us in the proper direction- this is when “troubles” come our way. Creator isn’t punishing you when things go bad- just moving you back to the point of starting over. My prayers are that he shows you understanding and mercy. Let those who judge you understand and know why things happened and your dramatic personality also. With that they will know there was no real threat or terrorism.
Mercy because those who seek fame and re-election have already done you enough harm/damage. I wish there was more that I could do- I have made the calls and traveled to speak in person- but they say their hands can do no more; since it’s not their jurisdiction.
Hopefully the end result will be of some long term benefit to you and enable you to one day stand alone and stand strong if that’s where your path lies. This world screws with so many good ppl- but you have been victimized way too often and hit too harshly for the little things that have happened.

 

March 6th

Coming close to making a few important decisions. But before I do I would like to take a moment to share some of what I have learned for posterity.

While smokless tobacco is not a safer alternative to smoking, I have discovered that an empty snuff can makes for a very good change purse for a guy. Thanks bro.

According to psychology 101 as it is taught at Yale, there are two big things that can throw a monkey wrench in psychology standards of judgment and those are philosophy and game theory. All I can say from experience is Wow so common sense is what gives Ivy League it’s edge.

This one may be crude but truthful none the less. Hard ons and heart strings share one common bond, they will both go limp in the face of incessant bitching about ones lack of overall value as a human being.

The world is a fine place and worth fighting for. I personally go back and forth on that second part. So my biggest issue is just a reflection of the big picture, the struggle between natural harmony and all the viable reasons one can find to not give a fuck. < ( As I wrote this I was gathering my worldly possessions in the two bags I had and readied my self to go out the door, I knew then what I planned to do. The game was on, so to speak.)

Alright Game of Gods time. I know that between my body and my spirit, my body will be the first to cave. So I’m walking this way and I am going until my face hits the ground from utter exhaustion. If it is not meant for me to fall then I figure that there has to be some miracle that is going to keep that from happening. I’m not going to stop, I will not quit. But at this point….I kinda want to see just how far faith and prayer can carry my ass. < ( I had already set out and had gone well over five or six miles walking, stopping at Krogers before posting my intent.)

HA HA HA HA Where’s your God now holy man? That’s alright I still got miles lets see where this goes. <( This was a few hours later, night fall had occurred and the temperature was dropping there was still snow on the damn ground, sludge that was slick as shit, I was getting tired as I wrote this from a bus stop across the street from the famous Burial Mound in South Charleston.)

Chesapeake to Spring Hill, you’re pushing me, you gangster motherfucker you. Ain’t no doubt about that. Just one sign. Fuck I ain’t about to stop now.

Comments

MH: Wrud bubba? Where you going?

Shayne: As far as I can.

MH: I hear ya dude be careful

It’s over. There ain’t nothing out there looking out for me but my damn self, maybe it’s time I start putting my faith in that. < (This was maybe twenty minutes after the previous post. It was getting late, I was tired lugging all my shit around.)

Another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into. One of these times I might learn, if I can survive tonight any way. Legs can hardly move I’m rattling from the inside out. pennyless, broken, and too far out of range for back up. Yeah I fucked up good and proper……again. < (Maybe another ten minutes, I sat there for awhile in front of Thomas Memorial Hospital a place I would be returning to in another couple hours. Gathering a third wind I pushed on getting almost halfway to Jefferson, before turning back, I said I was going to go until I fell I knew that wasn’t far off anyway, and I had more pride than to want to be found face down in a place I was more likely to have everything I owned taken. I returned to the hospital collapsing in the bus stop out front where I had post the message above. I was shaking from cold, exhaustion, anger, and something else, 😀 just keep reading. after trying to find somewhere out of open view as experience has taught me cops like to fuck with people carrying everything they own through town late at night. Finally I decided I was hurting and shaking too bad to stay outside, I went to the ER in desperation. Here is where it gets good…….)

 

March 7th

Well played really. So laying in hospital bed because apparently I have been fucked up for weeks and did not know. Oh yeah and spinal taps suck.

Comments

TH: Oh my God! Spinal tap for what? What’s wrong?

Shayne: Pneumonia which I seem to have had for sometime and an infection was found.

TH: R they gonna admit you?

Shayne:  They already have.

NC: Healing vibes coming your way. Hope you get well soon.

RB: Dam Shayne so sorry your in the hospital buddy I hope u get better fast

 

No answers yet at least I can move around a bit. The two biggest problems I have are, first the food reminds me of being in jail, the second is, it’s the same type of seclusion.

Oxygen, IV fluids, heart monitors with electrodes. I feel more machine than man. And just think, if I had not been stupid, I would never have found out that I was bad enough for all this.

Comments

RN: Sorry brother- have also been down with an attack. Didn’t know you’d been sick? Prayers and Smoke being sent for you.

CL: What happened shayne

 

Well shit, tried to Rambo my way out of the hospital just to come back for my brothers sake, yes when we are together we tend to suffer the Winchester syndrome. On a brighter note I just had a sobering and enlightening conversation with a 60 year old homeless man. It seems my final destination from my personal pilgrimage keeps turning up new and helpful shit. Like I said, well played holy one. < ( I checked myself out by around 7pm that night, only to find out that I had to go back to get the results of the damn spinal tap I was given. My brother had, had a surgery the year before, and if that test came back and showed that I had spinal meningitis, it could prove deadlier for my brother than it could me, so I went back.)

I finally cracked around 5:45 When the thought, the line I haven’t let myself say for over 3 weeks finally slipped. ” I want to go home.” I don’t have one, it’s not an option. There you have it. The thought that finally managed to bypass, the anger, the indifference for the sake of moving forward or trying to, even in the face of the fact that in a couple short months it may not even matter if I manage to get my shit together. The awkwardness every time I have found myself somewhere laden with memories that overshadowed my own history in it. The wound was opened with that one thought. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded that you are human. It helps you understand what needs to be guarded.

Comments

NC: Mental hugs coming your way.

RB: Hope you get better shayne and I hope u get u a good home to go to some people dont know how lucky they got it

 

March 8th

Oh I might as well tell the tale since I was a little too tired and fucked up to tell it earlier. I went to the ER at Thomas Memorial at around 1:40 am dizziness and shortness of breath, which as far as I knew was the result of excessive travel via the shoelace express, my heart rate jumped between 103 and 117 at total rest laying in bed. I was given tests out the ass, EKG, CT scan where I was shot up with a dye the lit my insides on fucking fire, an x ray, a shit ton of blood work and finally a spinal tap. I was admitted at around 6:30 am. My heart rate did finally regulate to 93. What I know is pneumonia had been spotted and I have a white blood cell count of around 30, which means I’ve been fighting one hell of a battle with infection. My doctor did not endear themselves with me having made only one appearance for less than a minute to ask a question that I had been asked at least 34 times and to use a stethoscope which he even placed on electrodes already attached, before quickly darting away before I could even ask any of my own questions. It took trying to leave to learn what I wanted to know, and I figured pneumonia alone was not a cause to languish when I could go to my doctors for the antibiotics to fix that shit. Alas I am back now because one of those tests holds knowledge I have to have to help my brother rule something out. < ( My wait was longer that second night than it was the first. I did finally get in and explained my situation, the ER doctor told me the test was negative, and asked if I wanted readmitted, I said no there was no reason for it hooked to the monitor sitting there talking to him and making sense my heart rate was a pretty normal 68 to 73. In the end he prescribed a seven day antibiotic and sent me on my way.)

 

Well what do you call it when a person, out of hopelessness and desperation chooses to act on what their instinct was leading them to do regardless of how reckless and stupid that act may seem….even to the one doing it? For a person too damn stubborn to go to doctor unless they are frozen, exhausted to the point hardly being able to stand, unable to think through the pain in their legs and back and shaking so damn hard from it all that it wouldn’t be surprising if they started losing body parts like a beat up old truck.

And then find out after stumbling into an ER that if they had kept assuming that the reason they were always tired and feeling like shit was just related to the stress of their situation, that there was a good chance they would have gone the way of Jim Henson before any outcome to their plight had the chance to happen.

Is it luck or providence? Considering I am sitting here with my antibiotics in hand does it matter what we call it? I set out in desperation to find something to believe in and while what I found wasn’t the sign of hope I was looking for, it was exactly the sign I needed no more no less.

So, the lesson here is. If you have to scream to the world and the heavens that you don’t give a fuck until you can convince yourself enough to keep standing no matter the odds, if you feel like all you have left is tell the whole of existence fuck you as you go down in flames, if you feel the need to challenge the existence of a higher power by forcing it’s hand to reveal itself. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not the way to go, not even the very wise can see all ends. < ( I was sitting at Ginos Pizza in Marmet as I wrote this, later in the evening on the 8th)

Comments

TH: So what are you actually saying? Have they found out what’s wrong w you yet? Or was all that just to keep us guessing?

Shayne: It is pneumonia all the other tests came back clear, they turned me loose early this morning with a prescription for antibiotics which I just got filled. In short I’ll live.

NC:  Well, we are grateful the higher power slapped you upside the head hard enough to see the help needed sign. Get better soon.

TH: Glad it was nothing more complicated. Though, if you’d waited longer it might have been.

Shayne: Hell I didn’t even know I had anything wrong

TH: I know many people who have had, “walking pneumonia”. It doesn’t show the typical symptoms and peeps don’t know they have it. They just know they feel bad. That’s why it can be so dangerous.

 

So there you have it. YES it is all TRUE, NO there was no embellishment to any of it, this is literally copied and pasted from the original source, and I was writing it all as it happened. WHATEVER YOU TAKE FROM THIS, A bit of spiritual enlightenment, a moment of being entertained by the actions of a fucking idiot, or simply something to remind you of what you may have to be thankful for, or to know you’re not alone in the struggle you’re going through, this is truly a case of the truth being stranger than fiction. As for me looking back on it now, it is STILL the gift that keeps on giving and my belief of it has been unchanged, for me it WAS a miracle, the one I NEEDED, no more, no less.

The Path of the Walk Approximately 22.8 miles

The Path of the Walk
Approximately 22.8 miles