Paintings

“Deep down, Clark is a good person. Deep down, I’m not.” – Batman “HUSH”

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I live for the fight. I have tried multiple times to conform to what society deems “civilized” but I can’t unsee what I have seen, Life is like a magic trick. You see it and you go “Whoa, How did you do that?” Of course then we learn the trick and the magic is gone. When this happens, you never look at another Magic trick the same. The Magician tries to wow you, using the same dramatic lines and hand flourishes, but when you learn the trick, it doesn’t work on you anymore. You see the hype as what it is, Just hype, and you can’t recapture that sense of wonder you had the first time you saw it. That’s life, that is also why I take issue with what I call Care Bears or people who just spew rhetorical good guy bullshit, because it’s the hope people cling to, even when it isn’t the reality. So many use it just to make people nod their heads, or kiss their asses like they are some kind of Christ figure, when they themselves are anything but. You see these people preach accepting others for who they are and then turn around and blast someone for not being what they think they should be. You see them preach about sharing when they are the most self absorbed individuals around. And when all is said and done, the worst kind of people are the ones people end up looking up to. I can’t unsee what I have seen. I can’t unknow what I know, and try as I may, I just really can’t go along with the bullshit of it all. The worst thing about this, is when others try to get me to come around to their way of thinking, they use the SAME bullshit and it does more to incite rage in me than it does anything, because I hear them, but I see them just being the opposite of what they preach. I call them on the bullshit and suddenly I’m the bad guy. So fuck it. Yes I am the bad guy, but while I completely break down your actions and your words and then show how each part contradicts the next, all the supposed good guys have to offer…..is that same dogmatic crap that everyone says. “You’re negative.” “It’s more important to be kind than it is to be right.” or if they want to half ass seem intelligent about not having a real argument to back themselves up they resort to “That’s just not practice.” To which I say “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

I don’t think I would be half as pissed off as I am if I wasn’t expected to buy into the bullshit factor. If you are a sorry motherfucker, be a sorry motherfucker without apology and without trying to insult my fucking intelligence by spewing shit that you don’t hold true in your heart, and hoping it will make me and others not see you for the sorry motherfucker you actually are. Guess what, we’re the same.

I live for the fight. Which also means I am likely to die by the sword. I have had to do a lot of soul searching and I realize. I’m trying to be two different people, and the two types they are, they can’t settle in the same person. I want to make it as a writer, you have a dream, you set out to make that dream a reality. In order to do this, I have to give a little on my militant ways….Only problem is, I see so many doing that same thing and the end result is nothing changes, nothing gets better and I once lived my life, not knowing who I was…. It’s not worth it. I live for the fight, it is just in my nature. I held it back for so long trying to be something else that once I got the taste of it’s freedom, I never really looked back. I still argue a lot of points from a perspective of give and take. of compromise, but I am just as quick to tell someone what I think of them and their shit and I hold nothing back and am quite tactless about it. I don’t care. I can’t help but think that if more people actually felt that way about the fucked up things in this world there wouldn’t be enough examples of that fucked up shit to merit such a strong response from me in the first place. I’ve had people consider me rude for the things I say, what I say however comes from a place of truth. I find it fucked up, that I can be considered rude for saying it, while the person I’m saying it to can get a pass for actually conducting themselves in the manner that I blast them for. Words versus Action or as the old saying goes wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first. This too is another reason I just get fed up with people. Their inability to prioritize for shit and what it boils down to, what so many of these people who claim I am filling the world with such negativity really give a shit about is THEIR OWN comfort zone. They don’t care what the world gets filled with, if they did, they would have as much if not an even bigger problem with the actions of the person I’m blasting as they have with my words, but they don’t. I’m not claiming any high ground here, just stating how it is people butt heads like antelope. It’s just a primal thing. They speak from this deep rooted sense of self righteousness in admonishing me for speaking from that same type of deep rooted sense of self righteousness. The only difference is, I know I’m a bastard about it, but some things just need to hit home.

I live for the fight, and I call everyone on their shit. Lets take a moment here for a bit of role reversal in the hot topic of the current president of the United States. I don’t agree with a whole Hell of a lot the man says and does, but I want to take a moment here and just outright level his competition. Where were all these protesting celebrities during the election? Many have the money and the backing and in some cases the intelligence themselves to run for president, but not a single damn one of them stepped up and did, they just want to whine after the fact. Now you have a few who are just like I’m going to run in four years, Yeah well if this guy is as bad as you are making him out to be four years from now won’t matter, so why didn’t you step up when it counted? When it really fucking mattered? And would we have been any better off in a lot of these cases? Let’s take a look at the “Entertainment World” for a minute. The president puts a gag order on the press…… How much dirty ass, underhanded, elitist shit takes place in the entertainment business, that gets swept under a rug or no one wants to talk about because it will make this person look bad, or speaking out will get you black balled? That’s common policy and it is the same fucking thing as trying to silence people from telling the other side of the story, only they willingly protect one another from it in that world. Let’s talk about the positive things, is their policy it displays class, even if it isn’t the same as having any. and that goes down the line from the majors to the independent minor league ring, now it isn’t everyone but it is enough that it casts a sickening shadow over the industry as well as the decent ones in it who are different. “We made a bully our president.” they cry. Yeah well Disney made an ex convict Iron Man while they torment their own child actors with so many restrictions to keep a squeaky clean image that they can’t even be kids, Hollywood made a child molester an academy award winner, so who the fuck are you people to say shit? I get arrested for making a terroristic threat on a post that wasn’t even a statement of intent to act and yet Madonna can roll up in Washington DC and very publicly say some shit like she wanted to blow up the White House and yet she never got hand cuffs put on her. If nothing can be done to you people, why the fuck should anything be done about what Donald Trump has said and done? Heh heh, See what I did there? Just people butting heads like antelope and in this case it has been a matter of lets talk about this shit over here, but not about this shit over here because this shit over here is in our bedroom closet.

It all comes down to “The Comfort Zone”, the most important thing in the world is to be happy. Happiness in the eyes of society seems to lie in overlooking a lot of shit, but then crying when it comes back to haunt them. It’s that thing that happens almost daily in the projects, but isn’t a problem that gets addressed until it strikes some white suberb in a town where not everything is covered in graffiti. It’s that thing that is okay for me to do, but by God don’t let me catch you doing it. It’s that thing that is okay for guys to do, but girls should be scolded for it. It’s that thing a guy should never do, but girls can get away with, because little known secret, discrimination is in part a form of underestimation and as such can offer both oppression and special privilege and playing up those special privileges can be as detrimental to solving the discrimination issue as doing nothing, but let’s not talk about that part of it.

Damn son chill! I wish I could, but I live for the fight. I have seen so many good people get fucking shafted that I can’t believe just smiling and going on about your business is what will fix things. Positivity  for the sake of positivity without meaning or passion solves nothing in itself. Yet so many want to cling to the idea that it can,  or they just use it as a mask for their own gain. I’m no exception. I by my own nature I see it as having a choice of evils. Be this bastard, or be this person who really could not care less about anything.  Because you can support the best people in the world, but who’s going to protect those people from the bullshit that the worst ones will throw at them? What good does it do, to just do one without the other?

I recently made a big mistake in the process of trying to be that other person. I supported people that I just couldn’t get on board with for the sake of getting a credit on my IMDB page, because I haven’t really done anything in film for over 4 years and I was making this big push of doing all kinds of shit just to have a range of people to generate excitement over what I do. It seemed like a good idea in theory, but the more I saw of these people, the more I looked back into their history and saw. I came to the conclusion that they were just as fucking degenerate as I am, in their own way. That’s where I fuck up, it’s the same as back when I had the epiphany that my kindness and efforts were wasted on this type of person. I found more giving, compassionate, understanding, and decent human beings among the forgotten, than I ever met in the little tight knit art community I had previously bent over backward for. And when I started to really think about what I was doing in supporting these people I got thoroughly disgusted with myself, and my flaw became clear to me when I looked at another person who I was trying to support. The glaring differences. The first I gave 300, to mainly for that producer credit. I realized, that with them it was a matter of going back to what I knew,  Hell I expected everyone in that field to be just like them, and so I will not lie, I had no qualms with using them, to get what I wanted. First off, the self absorption level of these people were through the fucking roof and I saw a lot of the same shit from before. “Share what you love”, so that’s why you’re getting on there after the Academy Awards and talking about the big dogs just pretty much circle jerking each other, even as your little Indy bracket was circle jerking each other for……What? being more caring? Giving? Organized? Original? Decent? What pray tell can the independent horror film community really lay claim for being better than Hollywood for? Bitch, did you come down here after hurricane Katrina and try to help people get back in their homes? Because one of the leading people in that fight was Brad Pitt. You’re going to talk to people about dealing with depression on your web series and then get fucking drunk nearly every episode? Yeah believe me I got as disgusted with myself when I really thought about what I was backing, especially when I saw this other person, who is also in film, but they do other stuff as well. You know what was missing from her stuff? Bullshit. This is a lady who gets as little kid excited over  being able to teach a lesson to a 4th grade class about crystals as the other group was about going to some event to ahem circle jerk. Yeah I fucked up. I will continue to write, because I love doing it, but I got a solid wake up call as to what making it as a writer or anything can turn you into. I don’t want to support people who are as degenerate as me, I want to support people who are actually better. I severely told the first party off and blocked them… maybe not my shiniest of moments, but hey, I live for the fight and I don’t refrain from telling people what I really think of them, regardless of it blowing through that empty space between their ears. It’s what an Indigo Child is, it was our purpose for being here, tear the fucking nonsensical institution to shreds to pave the way for the better people than the rest of us to take over.

Before I give you all the 18th day of picture posts, I figured it was time to get back into the narrative of all that has come to pass that has led to where I am at now. When I left off, I had started to get the idea that I could come back from the mess I was in and had even started laying out the plan for this very blog, You are going to see in this post a continuation of forward momentum as well as get the idea just as I have after reading back over shit that I have had a pattern of when my attitude got it’s worse and it was always around the time that I would have yet another step in the legal process. Like I said in another recent post, when you make the choice to go the route of self treatment for the issues you have, objective observation, honesty and maintenance are the key factors that will make it work. Well work better in my experience than a “professional” doping you up with shit that could trigger worse behavior than the problem it is meant to fix anyway.

 

April 7th

Remember when I said that I have started to develop my brothers habit of saying crazy random fucked up shit while I work?…..Well here is an example of the master at work, enjoy.

Shared Status:

JWH: Has anyone seen my fucktard i lost it while retrieving a corn dog from the cayon store. If you have it you are welcome to keep it but good luck with it !!!!!! < ( My brother is…..an interesting character to say the least. :D)

 

April 8th

I am not a parent, but taking a look back at when I was a kid, I gained inspiration for a parenting question.

In the end, who we are is what our choices have shown us to actually want out of life, good or bad. When is the right time to drill into your kid that life is what you make it? Or they can be whatever they want to be?

On one hand you shape what they are in the beginning and the goal is to prepare them to take over, but how do you avoid the pitfalls of telling them of this control they have over their lives during a time when very little of what makes their lives is in their hands? I mean, we all still fuck up as adults. < ( Part of the fun about being a reflective person, is getting others in on the action, it sparks “GOOD CONVERSATION” and shhows you little more about the people that not only surround you, but stick by you through the worst shit.)

Comments.

RN: Showing them that you are human is a great start. Applause is a sound that all respond to- regardless of age; and recognizing their achievements regardless of size builds self- worth. I think I can is the attitude you instill early on; along with the discipline you exercise in your life. They learn much by what we do and say- so never do or say without thinking first. Praising Loving Caring and BEING THERE go along way Shayne Workman

AMJ: I believe it begins when they are young, and that part of the key is to not keep the child hidden from the world and thinking it’s all unicorns & rainbows, you always win (hence today’s kids sports and schools) and that adults are always right, because we’re not. We’re human, we made mistakes before the children, we made them as adults and as parents we still make them, and it’s important a child sees and know this so they don’t have unrealistic expectations. As for when to tell them of this control they have, they learn it over time and with mutual trust/respect. I don’t believe any parent is perfect, I know I’m not but I do believe if a child is raised with rules, love and respect they will adjust to learning their path while at home, and will blossom when the time comes for them to leave the nest and begin that journey on their own.

TH: I ask myself this question frequently my friend. I continue to tell Jackie at just 9 years old that a life without goals is not really living but I will be proud of him no matter what he decides to do with it. Then I hope for the best…

Shayne: I asked because I remember the frustrations that rose up around those two statements whether I was finding the things that led to; you can be whatever you want..just not THAT! Or if life is what I make it, then why the Hell is there so much chaos that I never wanted or played a part of that I couldn’t escape.

It made me think about the younglings who acquire the curse of assuming the blame for the things they can’t control or the ones who grow up jaded thinking they were told the worse lie since Santa Clause.

 

And, as a dragon, tonight I sleep with all of my treasure. I know, I got bored for a moment. Good night all.

 

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Comments.

DM:  Daaaamn! You rich, boy!

Shayne: Not yet that comes later. Stabilized is the current goal and that one hopefully won’t have to take much longer to reach.

JD: nothing can compare to your glory oh smaug the stupendous

 

April 9th

Stating only once, because I am divorced and thus have dropped my own bullshit drama.

I have my own agenda, Fuck everyone else’s. I got MY shit under control, so that I don’t have to get mad over stupid shit. Try it sometime it’s good for you. < ( Someone that I knew was trying to draw me into a family fight, or at least use me to get information that could be used in a family fight. FUCK ALL THAT NOISE! Said I.)

 

April 11th

Step 2 shading.

 

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April 13th

A lot can be said for having absolutely nothing to do but work day and night. Each 24 hour period brings me that much closer to fulfilling that new principle I’ve been working on living by. “Since there is no one else I depend on, there is no one else I can blame.”

 

April 14th

Step 3 color.

 

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Step 4 background

 

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Was watching the first part of The Hobbit on Tv the other night, when an overwhelming sense of pity came over me towards the creature Gollum. You see I was a ring bearer for 8 years and it twisted me something deadly, I can relate, right down to the personal duality over everything.

 

April 15th

This is gonna sound bad and probably turn your stomachs (well maybe not quite as bad as mine considering.) I need a new wallet, mine has smelled like blood for two weeks. I discovered it (of course) while buying groceries from Walmart. That is one unmistakable scent and one that contrary to popular belief sickens me almost instantly. I discovered that a 5 dollar bill that I had received as change from a gas station was covered in dried blood. I have tried and tried for two whole weeks to get that smell out, I have failed.

Comments.

TH: Eeww. I’m only grossed out that you and god knows how many others were handling god knows who’s dried blood. They say money is so gross if you knew what germs lurked you wouldn’t touch it. Now I believe it..

RN: Get Borax in laundry aisle at grocery store. Put wallet in ziplock with borax and seal it up for a few days. This WILL WORK ON MOST SMELLS

Shayne:  I’ll have to try that, it’s still pretty bad.

RN: I use it for tanning hides and saving other parts lol

AE: Borax is awesome for lots of things. If that won’t fix it vinegar will. But then you smell like a pickle.

Shayne: 😀 And here I thought “blood money” was just a damn expression.

 

April 16th

Late night ramblings: Holy shit, with a single thought, I have to wonder if greed isn’t becoming my creed. And that thought was: Of course money can’t buy happiness, that’s because it can’t buy what it already is, at least to some.

It’s not the paper itself, she’s a little green and honestly she could do without the tramp stamp of dead presidents. It’s the sense of accomplishment especially when she plays hard to get at first. It’s the fact she doesn’t have a voice to bitch at me over every little detail, She can not fail me in any way without me failing myself first and I can’t fail her because she could give a shit less if I want to screw myself over. What she loses in morality in not having a heart she earns in respect of simple honesty in not pretending to. She can not give me the world or access to one beyond, but she can give me enough of a big stick to survive in this one, which ironically makes her more dependable and ergo better company to keep than I have found most people to be.

So despite my best efforts I guess you can say that once more I am in a relationship……with my riches, bitches!

Comments

NC: Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes life easier. Food and shelter, and the security that comes with them, go a long way to helping people relax enough to explore new avenues and find what makes them happy.

TH: Amen NC. I’ve always said, “Money can’t buy happiness, but the lack of it can make an otherwise happy person miserable.”

Shayne: Oh yeah and Power, I forgot that one. You see, I may not have a place of my own or a moving vehicle, or much more than a job and enough materials to make good on the side as well, but in this last month I have been turned to frequently for loans to those who actually do have those things. That’s power.

NC:  All hail the mighty Shayne. The moneylender demi-god.

Shayne: Did I mention that at this juncture, before I can even get my own shit off the ground, that kind of power is more of a fucking annoyance than anything?

 

April 17th

Trying to tame myself, not doing a good job so far. It’s like the cage door was finally left open and all I want to do is explode out of it, only it’s not that simple, I have set up many of the things I needed to there are still a few loose ends, a few set backs as well. I’m losing patients fast, and while the annoyance of set backs is bad enough, It’s the 8 months I have dealt with piss ant Johnny Law Dog dicking me around, instead of either locking my ass away or turning me loose. I am 9 days away from their next step in pretend due process.

I call it pretend because Roane counties finest had what I wrote in it’s entirety from the start, yet they only opted to release what was on their warrant to their papers, you know, the people my jury would be selected from if it ever came to trial. Funny how such a thing doesn’t fall under the same category as obstruction of justice when it’s some fucking prick with a stupid piece of tin on their chest and a God complex.

Last time I rolled up in their little one phone booth town wearing a dress shirt and their jaws hit the floor like they didn’t know what the fuck to do with me. They can burn me at the stake if they wish, it will never change how big of a joke they really are. I’m just sick of them sitting around with their thumbs up their asses. I have shit to do, so I only hope they can shit get off the pot.

Comments

RN: The longer they take and the CALMER YOU STAY- the less chance you’ll get locked up. If you don’t think they’re monitoring your FB feeds- then you’d better think again. Clean up your language first and foremost. FB is cleaning up everyone’s act and surely you know more words then four letter ones. Act like you’ve got some sense bro or you’ll findout what it’s truly like in the big house- and then FOREVER you’ll be held back.

Shayne: Truth is truth, just as it wasn’t some random scared or offended person that decided of all the shit on here mine was worthy of being turned over, nor was it ever the result of being “spied on” by the government. It was the result of my ex-wife, who not only knew that I was in the middle of bum fucked nowhere by CHOICE , and that the person I was staying with was one of her board members, where all she had to do was make a phone call to monitor how I was acting. And she knew it DAYS before she ever went to the Kanawha County magistrates office to get the restraining order that kicked off the process, an order that was thrown out of court. All of the above is truth and looked as bad on her as it did me, that is why she had the very person she was at the Blue Parrot with the first night get on here and tell everyone that it was all one big misunderstanding this was just meant to keep me safe, you know AFTER the story went nationwide, when she was called and told immediately that I got picked up. All I’m saying is, put it all together and if the truth can truly set my ass free, it will and if it doesn’t it was never going to in which case not a damn thing I have said or will say good or bad is going to make any damn difference at all. I don’t cater my language to suit the egos of hypocrites TOO many do that already that is why they get away with injustice.

RN: Yeah but it still makes you look real bad brother

Shayne: I get it and I appreciate that you are saying what you are to make sure I keep my ass out of the slam, but brother I don’t see any point in wearing a mask to me it’s just combating one false impression of me with one of my own, it would still be a lie. This is me, I dare to say the shit no one wants to hear, maybe if I hadn’t been bitten by that shit so many times I could say it in better fashion but that’s not the hand I was dealt. It takes sacrifice to wake people up and invoke change, if this is to be mine so be it. At least the only one that gets hurt by my audacity will be me, which already proves that I’m not what they havr tried to make me out to be. I hope people can accept it and honor what I fight for. Beyond the acting shit, my jokes about money, all of that’s just window dressing when it comes to brass tacks who I AM is about all I have left to offer anyone including myself. Good, Bad, how any of it. LOOKS that’s not mine to decide. All that’s mine to decide, is whether or not what I believe is worth fighting for. You feel me?

RN: It IS all yours to decide bro. To your friends( the very few we all have) we owe truth and honesty. To our enemies we don’t owe them crap- and you especially don’t want to give them ammo to shoot you with do you? If you truly want to succeed in any type of business you have to dress it up, clean it up and cover all angles. Not my opinion- it’s the world we live in. You of all ppl should see how what you type here can haunt you; doesn’t have to be NSA or FBI- it can be one who knows you. And usually is! Only those we let near get the chance to put a knife in your back- the others we don’t give them a blind chance. You and only you will hold you down- and like it or not you are doing they with this attitude. Have it if you want but don’t show it to all or one day is competition( business) something you flew off about can be brought back up to misrepresent you. Many have been told you’re crazy- but you and only you can show them you have more dimension to yourself then this I don’t give a rats ass attitude you portray. I know there’s a more passionate side of you- a caring concerned side that in time you’ll have to accept and show in order to get others to believe in you and back you in business; unless you plan to prove one man can be an island and make it. Think about the realities without becoming as bad as those who treated you wrong. Why show this self-destruct side unless you really want to fail? To grow is the only way to heal. The past is history and at some point you’ll either let it go or be stuck there and going no where. You decide- a future through change or stuck in the past with nothing but turmoil. As far it yours not to decide BS; come on- you are really deciding for them with this attitude. What better to self destruct then take a chance to step up and forward through change? THAT IS YOURS TO DECIDE!!!

Shayne: You’re right, I am spinning my wheels over a decision I can’t bring myself to make. When I found that the first people I ever had to knife guard my back from was my own flesh and blood, I should have made that decision then. I went on instead hoping I could find something worthwhile to latch onto and then I would fight the “good” fight. For what? The “good” fight never did anything but leave my ass broken, betrayed and empty. Many were told a lot of things about me I’m sure. Thing is they believe, if I call you friend, I don’t care if you’re a saint to half the world and a devil to the other half, the only thing I ever judge you on is what you are to me. I’m still clinging desperately to that dumb ass little boy who was too stupid to learn his lesson. I am an island, from what I have seen and experienced of people it’s not really worth it to be anything else. Its about time I care about number one, fuck depending on anyone for anything, I’ll do it my goddamn self. Because being alone is better than having to watch the one who stands behind you.

RN:  Shayne you’ve known me long enough to know that I walk and talk the same truth. What I say with you is because I’ve been there- right where you’re at; right now. No you’re not quite an island- but believing that all ppl are like the ones who abandoned or turned on you is only making you like them. Why do you think I’m trying so damn hard to get you to see this? Because there are still many good ppl in this world- MANY! Ok so you haven’t found then yet; no one said it’d be easy but clinging to the pains of the past only poisons you farther and lessens your chances of finding those good ppl to walk with. You see the first thing we learn is to shy away from negativity and anger; totally wasted friggin energy. I always thought my father had the toughest meanest attitude towards us- until I found out that he’d grown up with one mean physically abusive father. Then I realized he’d broke an abuse cycle? Had to back way up and reevaluate the situation; and since then I’ve learned so many times that the glimpse of what we have seen of some ppl isn’t enough to understand what they to have endured before we were there. Ppl try and warn me all the time about this person or that person and how they were treated by them- but I believe anyone can change and will change depending on how many and who hold out a hand to offer them help. A trapped animal will fight for its life but once freed it will learn from the lesson and guard against getting in the same trap; but the animal has no chance of survival if it spends the rest if time fighting once it’s out of the trap. Only through learning from mistakes and MOVING ON do we have a chance of a better life. Staying stuck in the mindset of a victim keeps us from becoming a survivor. Victims want sympathy or pity. Survivors want nothing of the sort- they only need truth and honesty to keep moving on to a BETTER LIFE. WHAT YOU BELIEVE IS WHAT YOU WILL GET.

Shayne: 😀 I have my ten or less, and for them I am always open. That’s a good enough place to work from.

Shayne: I don’t want pity or sympathy or charity, even when you get that it keeps you weak. A hard cold truth in this world is that those who beg for mercy, are the ones who are too weak to deserve it. I’m not a begging nothing, I refuse, I am making my way back, bartering for the help I get so I can know that I truly fought for everything I have and earned it. In the end I won’t be a survivor, I’ll be a damn sight more than that. To the few I let into my fold what is mine will be theirs too, everyone else has two choices, have the balls and lack of sense to stand against me or get out my way before the latter meets the same fate as the former.

 

Sorry I like what popped in my head just now. It’s has ICP written all over it.

” If you are what you eat, you must live off a steady diet of chickens, You scared little bitch.”

Yeah, please, feel free to pop off with that one in your next Scooby-Doo moment with your pals.

 

April 19th

Yeaahhhh! It’s too damn early for wit. But my natural sense of smart ass seems to have no concept of time. So here goes, next time someone says they LOVE you but you know they’re full of shit Just tell them:

” Oh yeah, I fear the heart failure over how choked up my arteries are from all this LOVE I feel from your ass.”

Comments.

TH: Shayne Workman  Your last few posts have felt edgy and angry. I know you have a lot of stress, change and turmoil going in your life. As you’re building a new life.. Try to remember to love and enjoy it along the way. Open your heart to peace, love and joy. Peace in your own heart, mind and soul is the one thing that will never hurt, abandon, leave or disappoint you. (Unless you let it). Blessings, friend.

Shayne: Just finally waking up is all, it’s inevitable, the ebb and flow of inner chaos during this time. Stoicism bleeds into indifference, confidence can lap over into arrogance etc. All until the equation balances itself out. It’s also the recognition that being a door mat cost me damn near everything and almost destroyed my ass. That will never happen again, even if it costs me a little of my good nature in the process in this case I can accept that loss as a sort of investment in finding out how it’s usually the ass holes that get ahead.

TH: I understand. It’s also a defense mechanism to deal w turmoil and emotional pain. Just don’t lose yourself in it. You’ve invested a lot of years of your life in something that didn’t work out. This legal stuff also blew up in your face. You are rebuilding your life from nothing. While still not knowing how this legal stuff is gonna turn out. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best.

 

April 20th

No smart ass humor is intended as I say the thing I have to be most grateful for are the few who just won’t let me get away with jack shit. I have enough enemies and right now I sit in a rather precarious spot where I could easily end up being the worst of them.

For all the shit I’ve lost, I can honestly say, we should all be so fortunate as to have those who refuse to pat us on the back for our fuck ups, just because it’s the easiest thing to do. I’m in a deep enough pit as it is.

I can’t promise at this point that when all is said and done I won’t be an ass hole of some sort, but I can promise I will listen enough that if I do it will be a better kind of ass hole than most.

Comments.

NC: You are a good man and deserve happiness in life. In order to achieve happiness, we all have to let go of the anger. Anger blinds us to possibilities because it leaves us stuck in the past and gives power to people and situations that don’t deserve a place in our lives. Always know you have family and friends that love and support you. When you have ghosts haunting you, allow us to be your sounding board. When you are angry, let us help you see your way through the red. When you are so deep in the struggle, it sometimes hard to remember that there are those of us who will listen at anytime and will not abandon you no matter what you say. That is what real friends do.

RN: What she said! Awesome!

 

Is it the bullet, the gun,, or the shooter? You see LOVE is just a concept, of course it can’t be blind, it can’t be shit, without a vessel, a conduit. It can however blind the vessel. This is the very kind of romantic bullshit I don’t understand or maybe I do…all too well. We segregate, it’s in our nature.

We look at LOVE and PAIN and want so bad to believe that because they are 2 words, spoken and written,that they are not flipside aspects of ONE emotion, but they are. We get pissed when someone hurts someone we LOVE, because it hurts us to see it happen. We get scared when faced with the possibility of losing someone we LOVE, because we know damn well it will hurt when we do. We hurt when attacked by someone we LOVE, because we fail to understand how they could do it, if indeed they feel the same.It has to be that way, for what you truly do not give a shit about, can’t hurt you, or scare you, or piss you off.

We look at the two words and view them seperately. We see LOVE and if you are one of the few who sees and describes it as more than, sunshine, tulips, growing old together in front of a fireplace, holding each other into the wee hours etc, well then…you’re just a negative person.

We romanticise the word, seeing only what we want to see and that ladies and gentleman is being blind. It’s blindness to the fact that as a concept LOVE has mechanics, same as any other concept and in our incessant need to romanticise we fail to fully understand just how those mechanics work and that is what bites us in the ass.

We know that 64% of marriages end in divorce, but what we can’t calculate accurately is of the remaining 36% that lasts, what percentage of those does so because one party simply caves like a little bitch under the will of the other( like me) and simply accepts their fate. What percentage actually sees the two partners filling each others gaps so they are truly stronger together as a unit than either could be as individuals?

I’m not saying LOVE isn’t important, Hell without it nothing in all the world would truly have any value at all. I am simply saying don’t let romantic artist bullshit like the statement below to dupe you into believing that LOVE can’t lead you by the hand down dark paths, hugs and puppies are only half the truth. < ( Vague ass Memes and inspirational statements have always been a target for the running thoughts constantly going through my head, this one is in response to this.)

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April 22nd

If you make a crown of styrofoam, what does that make you a monarch of I wonder.

Comments.

TH:  Of your own mind..or garbage maybe 🙂

Shayne:  That’s what I’m thinking, it makes sense to me. 😀

 

I have come to realize something over the last two months. When I got marooned out in 8 inches of snow, with 32 dollars and the clothes I was wearing to face life and legal system nigh emptyhanded. It was clear someone forgot one small yet very important fact. I’M CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. 😀

 

April 24th

17 Hours and counting down and here I sit in the very place that I sat over a month ago with renewed fire. There is a better way is a phrase you might as well keep to yourself rather than waste your breath trying to get either the downtrodden or the hierarchy to listen to it. So fuck it I’ll finish the little game my deathtrap has set for me, and when I’m done It’s good riddance to this worthless dead end piece of shit that I currently “live” in before it completely swallows my soul like it seems to everybody else. Swell with pride all you want, I know I’m better than this place.

Comments.

RN: Prayers and Smoke have been sent for you Shayne Workman. Keep your chin up, your spirit high and your faith and resolve strong no matter what. I HAVE been there brother

 

April 25th

I lost my flow, damn, I guess once you are so raw and pissed off words elude you.. sooooo I guess If I have nothing but truly horrid things to say about a bunch of sorry fucks that truly shouldn’t matter enough to even say them, then I have reached the where I should just say: If I only cared I’d set the world on fire.

 

It’s a 190 proof kinda night…. yeah that sounds about right.

Comments.

AMJ: Already got a head start on ya bro…1 tequila fifth down and working on the second Nothing works better than some Mexican medicine in the form of Curervo Gold

 

April 26th

Alright enough moping, GET UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!! Focus, pull it together, it’s time for the next phase. So fuck this haunted house son. Come back………. I got this. < ( In another post from another page I had alluded to the fact that since returning to the valley where my ex wife and her cronies were that I was being chased by more ghosts than fucking Pac Man. I was fighting a strong sense of depression that had returned at the same time I did in order to get through the next legal hoop.)

 

Need to get back to my fuzzy daughter, my sanctuary. It seems every time I’m in this fucking valley anymore all I want to do is ghost the streets at all hours of the night, there is no rest here.

Comments.

TH: Time to leave old haunts behind. Nothing but trouble haunts the streets of this town in the wee hours.

Shayne:  In my experience the worse trouble is found at home not the streets.

Shayne: And in broad daylight.

TH: Touché

 

April 29th

Time to get back to work. Haunted feelings be damned, thus I give you Step 5: finished product.

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Had to see my problem here for what it was. It’s the one side saying “This is too damn much, I don’t want to be here rubbing salt in the open wound versus the side of me that has been pushed out of hiding in the last year and half saying Bitch what are you afraid of, take it back.

The latter half is right, it might make me prick sometimes but it has it’s reasons and I need them. I needed it to stand my ground and break free, needed it to survive afterwards. It’s a rough mean ass son of a bitch born of explosive emotions, but when I look past how it sees me state things it does have a point. What am I afraid of? Why do I feel shying away from the akwardness of being in places that cause a flash flood of memories is more viable than standing my fucking ground and making these places my own again? Because I don’t have to bring that grief on myself? But I do, because you can’t change the heart in your chest even if you would like to.

It’s approach that is my issue, when reason leads emotion there won’t be two sides anymore, only one that is the sum of both and more effective than anything.

 

All fired up and ready to kick ass even in the face of the next part of the drawn out legal process of my felony case. April is over and when next we continue into May things take a drastic turn for the worse, before that month is out, I will be on the streets where the real fight for survival, against, my situation, the law, my ex wife, and myself rapidly begins to build towards a Summer of all out war.

Alright PG ENOUGH with the heavy emotional shit, 😀 Let’s play, I have given way too easy shit to figure out and that’s no fun to the complex thinkers like us. SO, I we ourself came up with a great idea. This little puzzle has nothing to do with you, or me, BUT it does have to do with a part in my next short story NO ONE BUT ME KNOWS. Yeah, 😛 Figure this one out and you will know secret knowledge in the plot that none of the other readers know. Lets see if you get this one.

 

 

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Did you figure it out yesterday? Or I suppose a better question might be, How much did you learn about Egyptian gods and symbology as you figured it out? Told you I could be fun sometimes, something else it seems we share in common. At least now we’re playing, you see it’s not just understanding you, it’s also figuring out a way to work around my own lack of patients, or quick retaliation that I end up regretting. It’s nice that there is SOMETHING we can do together. Again there is one,the first one this time, that has nothing to do with the message, it is just ( Just what I get for having older sister who will hunt the embarrassing shit down first help me with this Heh Heh) me as a newborn. Have fun PG and Happy Thanksgiving to you and family. – Love BIG CAT

 

 

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😀 Hey, if you look at the right hand you will see that even then I was starting to practice mastering the art of the fuck you. Ha Ha

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