“Deep down, Clark is a good person. Deep down, I’m not.” – Batman “HUSH”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I live for the fight. I have tried multiple times to conform to what society deems “civilized” but I can’t unsee what I have seen, Life is like a magic trick. You see it and you go “Whoa, How did you do that?” Of course then we learn the trick and the magic is gone. When this happens, you never look at another Magic trick the same. The Magician tries to wow you, using the same dramatic lines and hand flourishes, but when you learn the trick, it doesn’t work on you anymore. You see the hype as what it is, Just hype, and you can’t recapture that sense of wonder you had the first time you saw it. That’s life, that is also why I take issue with what I call Care Bears or people who just spew rhetorical good guy bullshit, because it’s the hope people cling to, even when it isn’t the reality. So many use it just to make people nod their heads, or kiss their asses like they are some kind of Christ figure, when they themselves are anything but. You see these people preach accepting others for who they are and then turn around and blast someone for not being what they think they should be. You see them preach about sharing when they are the most self absorbed individuals around. And when all is said and done, the worst kind of people are the ones people end up looking up to. I can’t unsee what I have seen. I can’t unknow what I know, and try as I may, I just really can’t go along with the bullshit of it all. The worst thing about this, is when others try to get me to come around to their way of thinking, they use the SAME bullshit and it does more to incite rage in me than it does anything, because I hear them, but I see them just being the opposite of what they preach. I call them on the bullshit and suddenly I’m the bad guy. So fuck it. Yes I am the bad guy, but while I completely break down your actions and your words and then show how each part contradicts the next, all the supposed good guys have to offer…..is that same dogmatic crap that everyone says. “You’re negative.” “It’s more important to be kind than it is to be right.” or if they want to half ass seem intelligent about not having a real argument to back themselves up they resort to “That’s just not practice.” To which I say “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
I don’t think I would be half as pissed off as I am if I wasn’t expected to buy into the bullshit factor. If you are a sorry motherfucker, be a sorry motherfucker without apology and without trying to insult my fucking intelligence by spewing shit that you don’t hold true in your heart, and hoping it will make me and others not see you for the sorry motherfucker you actually are. Guess what, we’re the same.
I live for the fight. Which also means I am likely to die by the sword. I have had to do a lot of soul searching and I realize. I’m trying to be two different people, and the two types they are, they can’t settle in the same person. I want to make it as a writer, you have a dream, you set out to make that dream a reality. In order to do this, I have to give a little on my militant ways….Only problem is, I see so many doing that same thing and the end result is nothing changes, nothing gets better and I once lived my life, not knowing who I was…. It’s not worth it. I live for the fight, it is just in my nature. I held it back for so long trying to be something else that once I got the taste of it’s freedom, I never really looked back. I still argue a lot of points from a perspective of give and take. of compromise, but I am just as quick to tell someone what I think of them and their shit and I hold nothing back and am quite tactless about it. I don’t care. I can’t help but think that if more people actually felt that way about the fucked up things in this world there wouldn’t be enough examples of that fucked up shit to merit such a strong response from me in the first place. I’ve had people consider me rude for the things I say, what I say however comes from a place of truth. I find it fucked up, that I can be considered rude for saying it, while the person I’m saying it to can get a pass for actually conducting themselves in the manner that I blast them for. Words versus Action or as the old saying goes wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first. This too is another reason I just get fed up with people. Their inability to prioritize for shit and what it boils down to, what so many of these people who claim I am filling the world with such negativity really give a shit about is THEIR OWN comfort zone. They don’t care what the world gets filled with, if they did, they would have as much if not an even bigger problem with the actions of the person I’m blasting as they have with my words, but they don’t. I’m not claiming any high ground here, just stating how it is people butt heads like antelope. It’s just a primal thing. They speak from this deep rooted sense of self righteousness in admonishing me for speaking from that same type of deep rooted sense of self righteousness. The only difference is, I know I’m a bastard about it, but some things just need to hit home.
I live for the fight, and I call everyone on their shit. Lets take a moment here for a bit of role reversal in the hot topic of the current president of the United States. I don’t agree with a whole Hell of a lot the man says and does, but I want to take a moment here and just outright level his competition. Where were all these protesting celebrities during the election? Many have the money and the backing and in some cases the intelligence themselves to run for president, but not a single damn one of them stepped up and did, they just want to whine after the fact. Now you have a few who are just like I’m going to run in four years, Yeah well if this guy is as bad as you are making him out to be four years from now won’t matter, so why didn’t you step up when it counted? When it really fucking mattered? And would we have been any better off in a lot of these cases? Let’s take a look at the “Entertainment World” for a minute. The president puts a gag order on the press…… How much dirty ass, underhanded, elitist shit takes place in the entertainment business, that gets swept under a rug or no one wants to talk about because it will make this person look bad, or speaking out will get you black balled? That’s common policy and it is the same fucking thing as trying to silence people from telling the other side of the story, only they willingly protect one another from it in that world. Let’s talk about the positive things, is their policy it displays class, even if it isn’t the same as having any. and that goes down the line from the majors to the independent minor league ring, now it isn’t everyone but it is enough that it casts a sickening shadow over the industry as well as the decent ones in it who are different. “We made a bully our president.” they cry. Yeah well Disney made an ex convict Iron Man while they torment their own child actors with so many restrictions to keep a squeaky clean image that they can’t even be kids, Hollywood made a child molester an academy award winner, so who the fuck are you people to say shit? I get arrested for making a terroristic threat on a post that wasn’t even a statement of intent to act and yet Madonna can roll up in Washington DC and very publicly say some shit like she wanted to blow up the White House and yet she never got hand cuffs put on her. If nothing can be done to you people, why the fuck should anything be done about what Donald Trump has said and done? Heh heh, See what I did there? Just people butting heads like antelope and in this case it has been a matter of lets talk about this shit over here, but not about this shit over here because this shit over here is in our bedroom closet.
It all comes down to “The Comfort Zone”, the most important thing in the world is to be happy. Happiness in the eyes of society seems to lie in overlooking a lot of shit, but then crying when it comes back to haunt them. It’s that thing that happens almost daily in the projects, but isn’t a problem that gets addressed until it strikes some white suberb in a town where not everything is covered in graffiti. It’s that thing that is okay for me to do, but by God don’t let me catch you doing it. It’s that thing that is okay for guys to do, but girls should be scolded for it. It’s that thing a guy should never do, but girls can get away with, because little known secret, discrimination is in part a form of underestimation and as such can offer both oppression and special privilege and playing up those special privileges can be as detrimental to solving the discrimination issue as doing nothing, but let’s not talk about that part of it.
Damn son chill! I wish I could, but I live for the fight. I have seen so many good people get fucking shafted that I can’t believe just smiling and going on about your business is what will fix things. Positivity for the sake of positivity without meaning or passion solves nothing in itself. Yet so many want to cling to the idea that it can, or they just use it as a mask for their own gain. I’m no exception. I by my own nature I see it as having a choice of evils. Be this bastard, or be this person who really could not care less about anything. Because you can support the best people in the world, but who’s going to protect those people from the bullshit that the worst ones will throw at them? What good does it do, to just do one without the other?
I recently made a big mistake in the process of trying to be that other person. I supported people that I just couldn’t get on board with for the sake of getting a credit on my IMDB page, because I haven’t really done anything in film for over 4 years and I was making this big push of doing all kinds of shit just to have a range of people to generate excitement over what I do. It seemed like a good idea in theory, but the more I saw of these people, the more I looked back into their history and saw. I came to the conclusion that they were just as fucking degenerate as I am, in their own way. That’s where I fuck up, it’s the same as back when I had the epiphany that my kindness and efforts were wasted on this type of person. I found more giving, compassionate, understanding, and decent human beings among the forgotten, than I ever met in the little tight knit art community I had previously bent over backward for. And when I started to really think about what I was doing in supporting these people I got thoroughly disgusted with myself, and my flaw became clear to me when I looked at another person who I was trying to support. The glaring differences. The first I gave 300, to mainly for that producer credit. I realized, that with them it was a matter of going back to what I knew, Hell I expected everyone in that field to be just like them, and so I will not lie, I had no qualms with using them, to get what I wanted. First off, the self absorption level of these people were through the fucking roof and I saw a lot of the same shit from before. “Share what you love”, so that’s why you’re getting on there after the Academy Awards and talking about the big dogs just pretty much circle jerking each other, even as your little Indy bracket was circle jerking each other for……What? being more caring? Giving? Organized? Original? Decent? What pray tell can the independent horror film community really lay claim for being better than Hollywood for? Bitch, did you come down here after hurricane Katrina and try to help people get back in their homes? Because one of the leading people in that fight was Brad Pitt. You’re going to talk to people about dealing with depression on your web series and then get fucking drunk nearly every episode? Yeah believe me I got as disgusted with myself when I really thought about what I was backing, especially when I saw this other person, who is also in film, but they do other stuff as well. You know what was missing from her stuff? Bullshit. This is a lady who gets as little kid excited over being able to teach a lesson to a 4th grade class about crystals as the other group was about going to some event to ahem circle jerk. Yeah I fucked up. I will continue to write, because I love doing it, but I got a solid wake up call as to what making it as a writer or anything can turn you into. I don’t want to support people who are as degenerate as me, I want to support people who are actually better. I severely told the first party off and blocked them… maybe not my shiniest of moments, but hey, I live for the fight and I don’t refrain from telling people what I really think of them, regardless of it blowing through that empty space between their ears. It’s what an Indigo Child is, it was our purpose for being here, tear the fucking nonsensical institution to shreds to pave the way for the better people than the rest of us to take over.