Alright now we’re getting to the good…….I mean bad stuff, just more interesting. 😀 You ever want something to come to a close and when it happens, it sucks? It doesn’t matter how awful it was, it’s the simple fact that it was your world for so fucking long that you just don’t know what the fuck to do with yourself when it’s over. The following is pulled from posts made during the month of February 2014. It was in this month that the divorce was filed for and despite publicly calling truce and agreeing that civil was the way to go. Civil lasted maybe two weeks then I was kicked out into the snow before I could find anywhere to go. That wasn’t the bad part, the bad part was that I was kicked out with the clothes on my back and thirty-two dollars in my pocket. No medication, which at the time I was still on Effexor and Lamictal. No legal papers, my whole court case was in a folder in the filing cabinet. Those were the two things that I needed most, and after being given the run around for two weeks I came to terms that I wasn’t getting any of it. Fuck it I’ll deal, became my outward mentality even though I spent a good chunk of time sitting on the couch, staring at the floor. There is just something twisted about the nature of a scenario that turns someone who was once a loved one into a hated enemy. it’s made worse when those you think are friends secretly choose a side, and the number of people that you gave a shit about, make it clear that it was never mutual no matter how much the sorry motherfuckers smiled to your face.
Feb 3
Why is it when I talk I’m so biased to the hoes? – Eminem
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Shayne: I know, I know. Most be some treacherous, untrustworthy motherfuckers…..yeah that’s my answer.
Gotta get up, and go to bum fucked Spencer for a meeting with the lawyer. That promises to be more fun than a street luging Geico pig.
(In January I had turned to a “Friend” to talk me down because I was wigging the fuck out over my Indictment and did not want to talk to my wife because it was already a sensitive matter involving my arrest and I really did NOT want to start a huge fight going into my court date. I would later find out that the “Friend” was a fucking informant that ran to my wife with everything. I was just finding this out, the hard way. I paid the price double for that one. Yes it was a female, NO I DIDN’T WANT TO FUCK, I really did just need talked down. I would boot that person two days later from my list for their fucking treachery.)
I’m not paranoid. I just deal with too many assholes on a regular basis to not be extra careful.
Feb 4th
And just to remind everyone that while I’m mean, I’m still fair. When you deactivate your facebook account only to realize you just dumped your means to communicate with most anyone in order to get anything done, I call Dumb Ass. That ones on me, one of these damn days I might be able to take that well needed break. 😀
Sorry can’t resist. Tell me what you don’t want anyone else to know, and I’ll tell the world.- Most Women every where.
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PM: hmph <(perpetrator)
JBL: not EVERY one of us
Shayne: Fixed
Shayne: And P, I thought you might like that. ….I am a bastard. lol
PM: Cheeky! < (She did not realize it was a little more than that. 😀 )
Feb 5th
I wrote this when I was 16 and I haven’t thought about this one in years. The caw of the black bird outside in the tree reminded me of it.
” The Trickster and The Lost Soul ”
Oh Great Raven in the sky, To what promised land do you now fly?
I pray thee Raven, tell me where, spread your wings and take me there.
To Hell replied the Raven, It’s the place you’ve always been. Surely you
should know by now that losers never win.
(This next one landed me with the papers I had wanted, you see EVERY GODDAMN TIME I wrote something that sounded mad most who knew me ran to my wife to find out what was wrong rather than ask me. Something else I was getting sick of.)
A piece of advice to the bleeding hearts, you will have moments where you will second guess yourself as to the nature of certain people. Don’t, your first instinct is usually right and the path you find yourself having to take because of it just makes you look indecisive.
In moment of serene weakness after my incarceration, I had this wonderful idea, to start reclaiming dumped garbage, wisdom has always had the price tag of fucking up good and proper first. So now I’m going make myself look even more stupid, honestly I don’t give a fuck, thats my price for being an idiot who failed to trust my instincts. Like I said before if you don’t like me there is a button for that on here, have the guts to use it. instead of being a little bitch and acting nice.
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Shayne: Not my damn wife, so you can quit calling her like always, over shit that I I I I I I I I I I I I I I say, and ask me directly like only a couple people have for a change. Hows that dear did that get them off your back? assuming that’s what it was about. <( After a phone call from my wife who was at the theater.)
NC: But…I like calling G and acting clueless.
GB: You finished? <( Big smile on my face, YES I’M A PRICK, But you spend 8 days in a cage just for wanting to separate yourself from a bad scenario to cool shit down, because of someone elses control freak issues and THEN AFTER months of saying I want to work on shit and STILL admit no wrong doing…… You might see where i reached a point where I finally said I JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK.)
Shayne: Sorry just thought it might be something like that ,It’s not very often anymore that Madam President graces my page with her presence, it’s usually too politically incorrect for that. 😀 < (Yes I really did, she had been unclear about what was wrong, and at this point I was letting fly at everyone who was shying away from me just because my arrest was put on blast by FOX NEWS and I was getting pissed because after 5 years of volunteering AND coming back to that volunteer work after the arrest whn all I wanted to do was hide, I was letting everyone have it.)
Feb 6th
( My response to the divorce papers and the letter with them.)
Yes I agree, civil is the way to go. I did want to try but considering everything it just wasn’t going to happen. In all truth most of bluster has been trying to hide the fact that the real fight is out of me and has been. The last time I just wanted peace, and solitude and to work through everything going through my head shoveling horse shit. Whatever the intent it just ended with me going somewhere that I swore to myself ever since I was little visiting my father in prison that I would never go, it wasn’t even for anything. something did die in there I had no dignity left, and then I came back long before I was ready, I wanted this to be slow,to take my time to repair myself first, and like always I found myself having to follow a time table that wasn’t mine. I just want to rest now, I hope we both can. I wish you the best.
Real commitment is being able to leave at any time when the shit hits the fan and choosing not to, Limit it’s meaning to a gold band and a sheet of paper that makes it harder to leave, all you do is show that you don’t have enough faith to make it work in the first damn place. -The reason for 64% divorce rate.
Feb 9th
Just to clarify something, on the day my Separation was announced I had made angry statements prior to. These particular statements were not directed at my wife and played no part in the decision on my part to agree to separate. The statements were made because just before my last court date I started getting emotionally out of whack so to speak, my wife and I were already moving further apart. I needed objectivity, the circumstances surrounding my case has bred a certain amount of resentment, that when combined with the elements that I did not have to the whole story of exactly what happened on this end while I was away, and my own imbalance issues, gave rise to a whole storm of emotional back lash.
I could not trust my judgement, and I was, am, facing a time when I can not afford to be second guessing my every step. In short I needed a good smack in the head, to let me be able to judge what was reasonable emotion in such a time and what was over inflated, I get logistics, rather well, what my particular sort of problems don’t always let me see is when I am letting my emotions control me. I needed someone to be as blunt with me, as I have well demonstrated that I am with every one else. This is what I needed, this is what I asked for of another, ( I don’t ever mention names, don’t ask, some will know, others won’t, that is irrelevant.) no more, no less.
They let the cat out of the bag, that’s not really cool. What I said was mine to tell and I would have, once a few things were out of the way, once I was able to get myself into a frame of mind that I could say it in such a way as not to fucking start world war 3. I never got that chance, and it hardly fucking matters at this point. What mattered was in my conversation I used words like biased, minion, and a slew of others that clearly defined a mistrust, that mixed with heightened fear can lead to paranoia. See where I’m going with this? Someone was given an inch, and took a mile that was a betrayal of trust that someone like me does not give lightly, especially not to people I have already given a second chance to for other matters.
I said this is me. I said look at my history for anything else you might like to know. And I know that they knew I said that.
—————-I——-AM—————–
This has been the heart and soul of my gripe, my bitchfest, Mein Kampf, if you will, for the last 8 goddamn months. Me, the individual. I think I have more than made my point as to how I feel about others naturally assuming that they know what is best for ME. Any way the point is, my out bursts were over this person, who I have already returned to their rightful place of exile from my life. So for those who thought they were seeing the last battle being played out on here, you were not. Though the situation did aid in the mood that broke the camels back.
G and I have decided to part on good terms, 16 years would be an utter fucking waste for us both if we did not, and too much shit in this world ends that way as it is. I would also like to say thank you, for sticking with me through this legal shit despite our ending marriage, that counts for a lot and you deserve to get that from me, personally rather than another scamp out there. So Thank You.
Feb 10th
All I’m gonna say is damn, double courthouse duty in the same day is a pain in the ass. I have also decided henceforth to go into radio silence mode regarding my proceedings. You’ll know one way or the other when it’s over. I got shitz to do, a lot of shitz and I’m digging deep into the reserve tank for all that’s still ahead. I’m not going to bullshit everyone and say I’m fine, but I will say I’ll make it to the point where I will be, I always have. I am better on account though, things just got simpler a whole lot simpler, while I have one more thing to work through, I have one less major thing to worry about. < ( Had my arraignment AND filed for divorce in one day.)
Feb 12th
My brain is dead, I still have to count change and walk 3 miles, and I’m starting to use this idiot box as a crutch for interaction I don’t usually bother with. If I were a horse someone would have already shot my ass. Get Up Fool, GET UP!……Ahh Fuck it. < (The mood was slipping into a kind of Melancholy at this point.)
Fact: With 24 years gone, and any family that may still be in the place where I was born estranged. There is nothing recognizable of the place I called home. My childhood is truly over.
Fact: The chaos I lived with in my childhood, only led to the only parent I had left blaming me for their own guilty conscience, that tore a rift between us, that I fought to repair until it became clear that it never truly could be, not by my efforts alone. Those days were over when I decided to stand my ground here as the rest of my immediate family flew south.
Fact: The life I have tried to build for the last 16 years, is now over.
Fact: All I have left to fight for, is my existence here and now, as broken, and hanging over the edge of a cliff as it is, with what I face. So I have taken this last hour or so just to remind myself of where my path to recovery really started. Back to when I found a tool in philosophy that eventually allowed me to out think the God awful rage that used to consume me, by expanding the way I perceived things until I could steer clear of the triggers that caused it to flare up. Back to square one again.
LOL Ever feel like your life is perpetually stuck at the ass end of the first half of a two episode story line of the old Batman TV show?
Feb 14th ( The day I got kicked out.)
Some might say it is morbid, to point out that the only reason we can care about anybody is that deep down understanding we all have but never really choose to think about, That it is inevitable that there will come a day when they either no longer have you, or you no longer have them. That is why when faced with loss it is not that damn special day X number of years ago the eats you up inside. No, it’s that damn coffee cup in the cabinet that you neither have the heart to ever use or get rid of. It’s ironic, the very thing that can make life suck at times, is the same thing that makes every little moment so precious.
Well so much for civility.
Feb 15th
Still kicking, regardless of once more being with out any of my belongings, (but you left with out them) um traveling on foot in the snow with no destination, traveling light is wise. Secondly fuck civil, I’m just looking for a little reasonability, like not blocking my ass when I try to coordinate a peaceful means of getting said shit, that includes things like medication, clothing, legal documents that I didn’t want to fuck up by traveling around with them, you know just basic essentials, especially after telling my family that I can reach you for such things.
I still have a plan, all be it, it now faces mass reconstruction, first things first, stable ground, after that temp wheels, and then, then it starts getting back on track. I’m getting out of this fucking mess one way or another.
Feb 17th
I ain’t got no place to live….3 invites come in for a show at a bar I can’t afford. fucking face book spam. Hence the pairing down. For the most part it’s nothing personal, I just realized…I don’t know half the people on here, not really .
Feb 18th ( I knew I was getting fucked with about my stuff when I tried three different ways to get my stuff peacefully and then tried to follow her one way and still got fucked.)
You know what, keep it all, I’m done jumping through yo bullshit hoops, I can go pick up my meds from the pharmacy and every thing in my folder is replaceable, I got bigger fish to fry than placating anyones wounded ass ego……even mine. I’m done. Ain’t no one got time for this.
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