The very first of May was a continuation of the charge left over from April, but things would take a sudden turn early on forcing me to accept what looked like certain check mate. Not knowing what else to do I made a decision to keep going, try to be as useful as I could to as many people as I could while I was still around to pull it off. My legal case was in shambles as my first public defender put in for transfer to another county with ( Not surprising) a lesser case load than the overbearing dicks of Roane. Her case load got dumped on the head of public defenders who also had his own workload to deal with, because they had dicked around when it came to actually appointing a real replacement for their area. In my first meeting with the man he handed me what was called the discovery,which was just the prosecutions case against me, it consisted mainly of the posts that were provided by my now ex wife and as my NEW public defender, my second of three before all was said and done his first question to me was. “Can you read and write?” ………..If I couldn’t that would be our case right there wouldn’t it? All things considering I was only holding about 27 pages of which I myself had written about 25 of. The bleak outlook was really starting to creep on me at that point, I longed to go back to my sanctuary and continue working, making money, anything that would make life feel something like a type of normal. Fate would not allow it and so begins the month of May.
Dear Dream Diary, I get that I have unresolved mental and emotional issues, but can we skip the celebrity guest appearances, it just makes shit confusing and weird.
Now I’m asking myself why Summer Glau in full 30s garb was chasing my ass down on a bicycle, through the labyrinth of a cityscape to steal a Blow Pop that was freely given to me at a gas station by Robin Williams because It wasn’t my fault.
Reason and emotion love playing leap frog in their dual roles as leader and follower. Emotion leads in reaction to circumstance, reason then follows through in an attempt to justify or help us understand why emotion reacted as it did. Then emotion reclaims center stage validating reasons findings. It becomes a self sustaining cycle that does not allow a break without influence from an outer source or the ability to step away from ourselves.
The hardest thing to see and fully grasp is that the only enemy any of us have to gain victory over is ourselves. And even when we do see it, it becomes a case of trial and error as we attempt to fully understand it.
I have discovered that wherever you go, there you are. Nothing changed in me, I just found a different environment, I was fine while I was there, and then when I was faced with leaving it behind….it all came back. The change has to occur at the source, and I can’t run from that and I can’t hide. Ignoring the problem, or trying to pat myself on the back for seperating myself from the circumstances rather than facing myself and learning to control MY reaction, it’s a cowards path that does not allow for genuine growth or learning and in fact would do more to box me into a cell of my own making. In short I become just as guilty as any court or ex wife, so there is no one but me to blame for that.
But what if reason reacted to circumstances, would emotion then become a tool, energy to fuel actions dictated by who we are and not what circumstances dictate we are?
To find the solution to a problem that invokes strong emotional reaction, takes work and will power. Because it drags you down to the point that all you can focus on is the feeling.
I found early attempts to be failures due to the above mentioned fact. It may take you a few tries, but I have found that seizing the moment in between the waves, when your reasonable mind still holds sway to make use of things that will distract and blunt the emotional edge, thus giving you the time that it is under control to out think your issue. Even this may take many attempts, depending on how powerful the emotional response is, the important thing is to not quit.
Psychology fails because it stays fixed in history with formulas and set procedure “Controled experimentation” that looks at how a single aspect effects the outcome in multiple people, when life offers infinite factors in each individual case. Because it relies so heavily on pre existing knowledge,it is a science that has come to promote narrowmindedness, the field becomes awash with ” experts” who are too out of touch with the fluidity of life to effectively understand that Why is just as important as How when you are looking at the individual, and then make broad statements encompassing an entire group.
Example: Selfies may indeed be linked to Narcissism, but no more so than making a study of a few hundred people in a world with billions and acting like your findings hold any more weight than the horoscope at the ass end of a TV guide.
Treatment fails when those administering it dogmatically stick to a set form that may or may not not be conducive to the individual. Put a recluse in group and see how damn good your results are. Force someone who hates walls by nature to stay trapped in a hospital, same deal. And don’t even get me started on the downside of playing musical chairs with their fucking pharmaceuticals that they put so much stock in.
My worst moments in my own struggle has come from trusting to these kinds of people. I will seek my own damn way and I will trip and fall on my ass many times along the way, because that is a tricky path that requires much introspection and retrospection, but in the end I will find what actually works for me.
NC: Cookie cutter solutions seldom work for everyone. The bumps and bruises life gives often help us to examine how our own behavior brought us to our current state. The hard part is learning to recognize the patterns before we get in too deep emotionally to realize we have traveled this path before. All doctors can do is give guidance about possible options. I am glad you are finding your way. That is such a difficult thing to do when you have been blindsided by emotional chaos.
Shayne: Wish I had the sense to do it sooner. Maybe I could have avoided things like, ” Take this, it will help you sleep, only to find that it could also, in the wrong environment trigger the side effect that had me wanting to paint the walls with the contents of my head. It was always going to be a long road, I’m just tired of finding things that do more harm than good making it even more so.
It is true that how we view the world is first how we view ourselves. Our qualities and our faults. This is why I believe we defend so strongly our views, we display both our love and hatred of ourselves. Our hopes, our fears, our needs, our regrets. I don’t believe any of us really recognize that fact until someone or something reveals the truth that was always there, it is this split second that makes me wonder why any of us even bother to wear masks.
We are human, we are vulnerable, to be true to yourself is not to hide what can’t be hidden any damn way, that is what we fail to see,that is what makes us so defensive, to see threats even where there are none.
Have I learned this from observing those around me, yes, but that’s not the only way Have you read my posts from the last year and a half? I have. Prior to that time, I occasionally posted, a fucked up dream, an abstract thought, for the most part I came here to farm. I only opened myself up in person and even that took time.
Something changed in me, and no despite how it looked I did not just suddenly lose it. I throw myself whole heartedly into what I care about, when I was younger that was the concept of family and I had family that exploited that as a way to control me. As I got older it became an ideology born of spite to never allow those who thought the worst of me to be right. I became the person who fought my anger through compassion for those who needed it and directing what was left of that anger towards those who caused them to need that compassion. I was as close to whole at that point as I have ever been.
I did love GB, and for a time it was good, when it was about us. Even then the differences that would define the end of our union was present. You could overlook it then, just something you have to work at ” Love conquers all, right?” No and if you are not careful the resentment that breeds leads to nothing but hate.
I devoted myself to a person and just like when I devoted myself to family and it got used against me I got lost in something that twisted me into the very thing I never wanted to be.
My devotion split, when I found an ideal that was bigger than me, bigger than us. In the end it showed me what I was damned determined to ignore even as it ate me alive. It had ceased to be love, I can’t say when the differences drew the line between us, what I am sure about, it was both of us that drew it and far too late, we were never suited to be married, I wonder how many who knew us saw that before us, it had to be obvious even before the final spiral. One of us had to push the envelope and since I was the closest to dead with the least to lose, I let my anger seal my fate by becoming a threat to what she gained. It became my hope to be let go of. That did not go exactly as I had hoped and because of that I will not truly get MY divorce until this bullshit charge gets off my head.
…..At least what angers me most is something that is still in my face, ongoing more so than anything past. I can’t say I don’t have regrets over what I had to do to feel strong enough to do what should have been done for both our sakes 13 years too late. I can’t say I don’t have regrets for the price paid for freedom.
Somewhere there is someone, at least I hope, that understands how I have to deal with my ” dark side lower companion” and not feel slighted or resent me for it. With any real luck that person would admire it,what it takes, maybe even be proud to stand with me as an equal, blaze their own path right along with me. The realist in me doubts that, sounds like so much ROMANTIC nonsense to me. But I know what I have to get back to now, I have to make my time matter for something not someone. In geek terms this Jedi needs to be a servant of the Force first, not a Republic which can be corrupted and make me a hypocrite to my own ethics. If that means I stand alone…..fuck it, I’m already living with the consequences of the alternative now, and I know this is not where I want or need to be.
OHH DEER! Book two, the Bambi ass spin. That’s right folks I took part in yet another great moment in venison collision history. < ( This was the second deer in 7 months)
After some truly fucked up shit that believe it or not, even I can’t bring myself to openly comment on. ( I know DAMN!…..I bet now you’re curious :D) Hitting a deer in….well actually a comical fashion. I returned to the valley, a man on a mission. Got my new. Po box, changed my Cabin Creek address, opened my bank account and got me some job prospects going. Congratulations, I’m here to fucking stay and I’m GOOD and pissed. Emphasis on the GOOD, I can’t remember the last time I was THIS fired up in a productive fashion.
( The following is from a private message I received on the evening of the 5th at 7:56pm eastern time)
RN: Were you in Kanawha City today?
Shayne: Yeah, I opened my bank account and put in applications at various places. My sanctuary went belly up, 7 days transformed it from a house into what looked like a crack whores fuck den, my cat was gone, my van was given away, in order to cover my family members ass over a theft or a drug deal I don’t know which for sure I quit listening, my job there was gone too over this shit,because I wasn’t about to stick around, I took what the son of a bitch owed me, turned right around and came back to my brothers, we hit a deer on the way back, and I vented by getting my new po box,changing my address from Cabin Creek, opening my bank account and applying for jobs.
RN: Ok. Sounds like one helkuva start for the week. And I thought I was the only one who lived life by the minute- because Creator keeps changing the script. lol
Shayne: Yeah no shit, I was too shocked to even be pissed at first, I knew his girlfriend was a pill and crack junkie, but shit, the house was clean, livable. I don’t know what the fuck happened but it was about 10 shades crazier than I was even willing to mess with. On a brighter note I used my anger as fuel to do what I did today, so…..progress I’m apparently learning how to make this beast work for me.
RN: You’re doing fine brother. Have you noticed that there’s less drama in your life- and without all that bullshit it’s getting easier to stay sane or control the beast?
RN: To be honest with you- someone supposedly saw you up there and I think they tried to wrap it all up with drama to stir your ex up. Or she’s created the drama around it herself? But I knew for sure that you weren’t trying to stalk her or spy on her- and told them so!
Yes I’ve pointed out that for some reason you seem to be getting your act together and getting all the crap you’ve been left facing in line- and seemed to be more focused on a future and are into being productively working on a future. lol
Gee- it’s like all of a sudden she’d been kicked or was very uncomfortable with the subject. rofl
She can’t get anyone at the shop to buy into the drama or danger- and that’s shut down the sympathy trip for the most part.
Brother you ARE DOING GREAT- but I know it’s taking a long time and has been an ordeal from the beginning. With all the extra burden upon you and having no real help- you’ve made a lot more improvement in your life then she has. < ( I would later find out who it was that ran to the bitch, They were from a branch of the self righteous,hippy, art community that we had spent five years getting entrenched with. The kind of person that has one too many at their sister’s second rate cocktail party for artists and say lets start a group that’s all about helping people, YAY. A solid idea until they get sober and realize they don’t have a fucking clue what they are doing and oddly NO REAL INTEREST IN LEARNING, you know for people who are just SO CARING. I’ve seen this redwood stump drunk at one of those parties and considering how he treats that boyfriend of his, he is the last motherfucker on this Earth with any right to judge whose side is right with a general lack of knowledge, but then what can you expect, the sister is a wannabe yuppie, yogi, with what has been recognized by others as female superiority complex…….. 😀 But I digress.)
RN: So PLEASE- hang in there, keep your cool and stay focused. You deserve a new start; but nothing is ever free or easy- that’s worth having.
Shayne: Did you get a name? The only person I even thought I recognised today was EC sometimes called L, she works at the environmental building by the mall. I wouldn’t think she would be the type, but then I don’t know what kind of mad whack shit has been getting spread either. There are some that I would still talk to when shit dies down, but that might depend on how bad they’ve been led to believe I am, I would be friendly, just don’t want to walk into a trap.
Shayne: I am still a threat to her, in her eyes, but I know where that goes too, in her paranoia she will be her own downfall. I have asked THwho is still on the board how things are going there, I have a right, our investment in that COMMUNITY based organization the last 5 years, was also MY investment. I don’t even ask about her. I still help promote their shit on my page, and through a third party have even been discreetly giving advice on raising money. I have learned that she and her minions have screwed up by focusing too much on their little play time events, they had to cancel the last show of an only three show season because they can’t afford to put it on. If I ever did make a move it would be to protect what I saw that place could be and I wouldn’t waste time making it about her either. The way I see it I sat at that table, I know their rules and they can not ban me as a member without notifying me in writing, and my ex wife she may be, but she also opted to be the President of a non profit organization, If I offer help she can not deny me the right to do so without showing that she puts herself above the organization. Like I said though so far I have aided while being respectful enough of the situation as to not just stroll up in that fucker and state the fact that as long as I am being nothing more than a useful volunteer, there is not a damn thing they can do about it.
RN: My advise brother is to separate yourself from everything that has anything to do with her- at least until all your court problems are taken care of. She can only stir more shit if you give her a reason and I’d be above all that if I was you? Killing the drama around you two will do more to get even then you realize. She thrives on the drama and uses it for her own advantage- so don’t give it to her. Stay focused on your future and forget about her. She’s going to do herself in as she keeps bearing this dead horse. I’ve seen so many do it that it’s quite predictable. lol
Proof of yesterdays activities. Skipping my business in both downtown Charleston and the East Side today on account of a board meeting but I will take care of it tomorrow, just in case any of you “spot” me walking and want to run to my EX wife and tell her. Are we good here? Good, have a blessed day. < (Something told me to put this post up, it was just a gut feeling I had and I knew the depths that my ex wife could sink to. I wanted a record seen by all still connected to both, It had been my initial hope that it would be a deterrent from any more shit stirring, but 21 days after posting it, I ended up having to use it to make a point that the fucking bitch was just out to get my ass.)
Know thyself, be honest about it, no matter who it pisses off or confuses, because I have found in the end, it takes the wind out of the sails of those who would use it against you. Oh shit! Becomes Yeah so? You forgot this, this and this….Now.. What about you?
It’s the question, no one else wants to answer. They either throw up their guard or they skip a step and stammer, either exposes something in that person, that they would otherwise keep hidden. The benefit to this is you give them a chance to face it and grow or you give others the chance to see the warning signs, before it costs them.
It’s life, keep being oblivious to it and see how far that gets you. But if you need me to put it in more intellectual terms….Look up things like micro-slicing, learn those little split second movements of facial muscles that can only be activated through GENUINE emotional response. The truth is, none of us CAN hide who we are anyway. I’ve found ghosts that some would rather not think about with my words, I’ve seen bitterness melt exposing a kindness to be respected.I’ve seen fake kindness slip. Those who would lie to themselves as much as to the world around them and those who are oblivious all call me crazy, and of course on some level I am, just not when it comes to reading people.
JH: Wtf are u talking about in this ramble of words wouldnt have been easyer to say dont be fake
Shayne: Well when the FUCK did anyone from our bloodline do anything the easy way….brother Besides you apparently understood it just fine.
Shayne: P.S. I just saw your fucktard hightailing it in the direction of Noyes Avenue, you might want to look into that.
I had 200 to do everything I needed to do. It was nowhere near enough and I wasn’t getting any calls for jobs. With my sanctuary gone the weight of being back in the valley was returning especially after learning that I was not even safe to look for a Goddamn job in one of the few pockets of civilization in the area that had actual businesses to hire a motherfucker. Broke and still plagued by fear over legal issues and frustrated as fuck over the restrictions that it was causing in an already restrictive situation, I was beginning to see the end. It was during this time that I came up with New Ghetto Proverb # 2 How you face your end is a CHOICE that no one can take from you. And the worst was still yet to come.