We now move into April of 2014, where we start to see a marked change, the edge starts coming back, at first it is just a matter of propelling myself forward, all I did was work in those days, day and night. It caused a resurgence of confidence, for the first time since I first left my ex wife in August of 2013 , you know before the control freak bitch sought to send Johnny Law Dog after my ass, I felt the strength needed to move forward. Yeah I got a little cocky, 😀 but it was a veneer for the most part as I was starting to figure out the closer it came to my next court date on the 25th, returning to the valley from sanctuary caused all sorts of bad shit to snap back at me and made me realize that it was the environment that had been doing me the most good.
April 1st
New ghetto proverb: Don’t have the problem with what I relate to, have the problem with what makes me relate to it. < ( You will be seeing these until September there are ten of them, and they make up the foundation of a little thing I called the unspoken ethic. 😀 sound familiar? )
April 2nd
So I just spent the last 4 hours of my life trying to figure out how I broke my phone, whether or not a storm was coming or a tower on the fizz. And then I found it, that little check mark in my settings, that allows me to turn my 3G network off and on.
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feeling like a dumb ass. < (So….I was a day late playing my April Fools Day prank on myself.)
Comments
TH: It’s ok Shayne. I noticed my phone was roaming and it was doing it for hours. I thought Ntelos was down. I had to enable my wifi for Facebook etc. after I read this I thought hmmm and went into my settings. There was no check mark for 3G but on of the kids apparently turn on the roaming feature. After I turned it off my phone had 4 bars without roaming.
TH: So… Thank you for your helpful post
April 3rd
When will it stop? When will I knock the crap off? ( knock, knock, knock) Theodora tell em baby. “Meow dad’s lost it.” < ( There would much more of Shady before all was said and done, Hell there still is, but my real reason for adding this one was for the comments as RN was the legal go between during my divorce, he was appointed BY my ex wife to be such. Now the divorce was already over but my ex kept dangling my shit that I had to leave behind in front of my face, I knew it was just to piss me off, that I was never getting it back, but the important factor here will reveal itself in May when the bitch got a DVP or Domestic Violence Petition for putting in Job applications and setting up a bank account. Alas I jump ahead.)
Comments
RN: What’s up brother?
Shayne: I’ve been around my brother enough that I am starting to develop his habit of saying stupid random shit while I work and today there was no one to listen to it so I word vomited here. 😀
RN: And it happens. Not harm done then. Just was concerned brother- you’ve been doing to good to throw it all away. Was asked if you wanted your stuff? Anything still over there that you want?
Shayne: It matters not I still have no where for it. Wouldn’t want to go back for it anyway, and I would have to because I would have to,,spelunk for it myself.
RN: You wouldn’t go alone brother. That I can promise you. lol
Shayne: Nah Fuck It, she has earned the honorary bon fire rite. I got the clean slate for reinvention.
RN: Think about this before deciding. I’ve started over from scratch or less many times- there might be a few personal things? Let me know by Monday? Ok?
By the way, no I have not lost my mind. I am at my second job today, which is to say I’m working on MY shit between that and getting my old clunker fit for the road. Here is part of what I have been doing whilst fucking with everyone here. 😀
April 4th
Yeah having an extra body part does not automatically mean that as a guy, it is my sole intent to keep you from being the effulgent ray of light you are, or that I don’t actually use the one on my shoulders to do my thinking with, but every time that assumption is made is another reason for me to scream FUCKING BITCH!! If you claim it’s wrong. IF you claim things should be different. Then watch what you spread, but most especially watch who you spread it to. < ( After my whole ordeal, I had a whole new beef with the psycho feminist fringe to say the least.)
April 5th
Patients that’s what I keep telling myself. Right now things are improving, but there is definite frustrations starting to brew from the fact that my limitations don’t present a good enough scenario for moving foward as fast or as well as I could if I were on my own. I have caught myself thinking too much on an end game while my focus now is more needed on figuring out how to weave through all the shit still holding me back to get to that end game. But how do I do it?……How do I do it?
Comments
TH: Rome wasn’t built in a day. It takes time to literally “build a new life” from scratch. Even more time if you wanna do it right. Hang in there. You got this.
RN: Well first you forget the endgame crap- that means you’re still living in past with revenge on your mind. LET IT ALL GO- or it will derail you. Live for Today and plan for Tomorrow. Yesterday’s only takeaway your focus
Shayne: End game is just referring to the goal. That goal is to make my business ventures stackable. I’ve had to experiment a little bit to find what can easily work together so that wherever I go I can handle everything with more ease, make my own damn income as something more than someone else’s grunt. The acting bit will help but also gives me an excuse to travel which provides a means for direct expansion of everything else I do. The frustration is leveled at the fact that although I have a vehicle now, all it can do is sit until I find what’s making the engine miss, fix a bent back rim and replace the windshield. Until that time I am still limited in SELF mobility which is slowing progress. I actually have something besides daring to defy physics standing against a freight train like I did in February when I suddenly dropped 100 + people out of my life, in sight. That little faith trip I took was more a matter of trying to outsmart my nature, it was obvious to most. The trick was on me I actually did get shocked out of that downwards spiral. Imagine going to a court appointed psych eval prior to that little piece of perfect timing and having to try to convince a dogmatically narrow minded “Professional ” that it’s taking everything you have just to survive without ” oooooo scaring them. ” My situation has forced another part of my past to resurface, one I have spoken to very few about in any real detail, one that predates my ex wife. You might call it my first bane, it involves family and apparently I still have one more thing to work in reverse in order to move forward. I’m still at war, and wielding a pillow against a mace is not the smartest strategy. There may be some magical kingdom on the other side that is all love peace and happiness, where everyone gets along and no one fucks anyone over. It’s not this one. Here you fight to take your first steps to become a toddler, you fight to overcome bad habits, you fight your own damn feelings when dealing with assholes who will always try to make you feel less than them because its all they fucking have. Here the spirit can be still but that doesn’t make peace any less of a lie in a world where our crude ape forms have to struggle to overcome, only passion and the will to do so can carry you here. I can hate this world or I can pick my battles. I will always feel towards stupidity and wastes of space the way you do about dishonesty and liars. I will always state those feelings cause fuck em for making shit harder, that’s me, Hell why do you I spent so long hating myself for who I was. I became a hypocrite to everything I stood for and got addicted to the misery of it all and I called it Love, when it wasn’t. If I seem aggressive it’s because I don’t want to lose my new found momentum and slip back into a place where giving up looks like peace. It’s because I’m alive and for the first time in a monumentally long time, I’m hungry for something again and I know I can and will make it happen until that time it’s just another showdown of a different sort and until I reach what I’m aiming for I will stay at least partially in fight mode nothing is going to keep me from what I want, what I have to show people, not this time.
RN: First concept- fight mode? That must be the “warriors impeccability” you’re referring to; a true warrior never loses focus or allows their emotions to run anything within them. If anyone can make you happy sad mad or glad- they CAN control you. A warrior won’t indulge any of that when preparing or doing combat. This is another re
RN: Reason that the pipe was a integral part of their life. Our smoke calms the mind and relaxes the tension w/o intoxicating.
As far as the players , gamers, liars, two faces, etc- they can only harm you if you let them in. Realize what they’re about before you open your heart or personal life to them. They don’t matter unless you let them.
RN: My native name: Nupawarlanka means- Speaks Mind Twice As Strong. I speak the truth or what’s in my heart and that is all I speak unless joking. I respect and expect the same from all others that want to be”friends”; doesn’t mean they will do that or can be- but they don’t get in any farther until I know. Creator gave 2 eyes, 2 ears and 1 mouth- and that’s how you start sorting ppl out. Watch and Listen before you speak much of heart to them.
There never was or never will be a perfect magic kingdom as long as there are ppl in it. It’s not all the ppl but just as small percentage that make this world bad if you want to call it that. But as long as you only see the negative and feel the negative- that’s all you will attract. Point is- you must first learn to like yourself and respect yourself before anyone else will. Peace and Serenity come when insecurities and Ego’s are realized for what they are. Your Ego is your BEST FRIEND in a SURVIVAL situation; but getting it caged and not running your mind is a big step in finding spirituality. If you’re looking a life like it is a competition that’s what it will always be. If you look at it as a Learning journey you start to realize all things happen for a reason and all troubles or bad luck is a learning, growing experience and nothing but. It’s not personal- it’s knowledge you must learn to progress farther. Most don’t learn some lessons first time so they keep repeating the same mistake over and over again. PAY ATTENTION! lol
When I have problems come my way- I stop and try to give thanks for the knowledge I’m about to receive, then I ask Creator to guide me and help me to understand- and he always does; but I have to be watching for the signs and not wrapped up in my emotions. Emotions are mind fog and keep anyone from seeing clearly. I have lots of emotions and use them everytime they are warranted- but negatives aren’t indulged and followed very far. We are only human and not perfect; so this path stretches on and on- but we can speed up how long it takes us to reach our goals by not wasting time or energy on the negativity and bullshit.
RN: How about being thankful that you have a vehicle and plan what to fix as you can- with the vehicle and your path that you must take to reach your goals.
Personally I think you are doing very well and progressing nicely- but when I care; I really care and tend to council those I care about. I desire to help others keep their focus, realize their self-worth and see their potential and downfalls. Ain’t love a bitch brother
April 7th
Remember when I said; if I fall you will know why and if I rise you will know how? In the coming days you will have the opportunity to see for yourself, the guide lines I have started adhering to in order to regain a personal code and sense of identity. It is called The Unspoken Ethic and it is going through the last stages of development as we speak. It is part of a strategy to build Something of real benefit to everyone, but as such is going to have to gradually build while I proceed with other steps to further secure the ground I stand on.
😀 Like I said, I got a a little piss and vinegar going in my efforts, Oh and if you like the exchanges between RN: and I They get sooooo much better the further into the year it goes, after I got hit and left for dead I HAD to rely on my anger to survive. It created some heated and often wonderful philosophical duels, I still take much of what the man told me to heart like I said, there were those who stood with me from the start of the shit and are still with me now, I’m glad, this blog is at least proving I wasn’t half as crazy as I appeared to be at the time, that I was actually laying it out as it happened to me to tell the tale. And Now I am giving that Tale to you my readers. The later part of April will be next.
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