A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
For over thirty years both fans and the people of the old Republic and Galactic Empire were tricked by a conspiracy that originated in the halls of the Jedi temple and would go on to have massive impact on both the galaxy and geeks of Hollywood alike. In 1977 we were introduced to a world of strange lazer sword wielding monk, knights that could make shit float called Jedi, and Sasquatch smuggler buddies, we were told of a story that involved twin siblings, evil cyborg parents and a clear cut definition of the difference between Light and Dark.
Now nearly forty years, multiple failed tinkerings with that original story, three prequels that whiny little bitches who can’t grasp that THEIR childhood has been over, or that the simple story, simpler writing, grossly overacted series IN IT’S ENTIRETY was simply meant to be fun and NOT WIN MAJOR AWARDS in any of the categories they like to piss about and a Disney take over that is now continuing the prospect of mere flashy effects driven eye candy later, a new theory comes to light that will shatter the ideology of geeks the world over.
Are you ready for it? It’s not much of a shock really. The Sith were right, they were always right. The Jedi are the evil ones. Here is my theory that proves it. We were all shocked when Darth Vader confessed to being the father of Luke Skywalker, many could not believe it, but I believe this is because deep down we always knew it was bullshit.
In Episode I, we see Anakin meet the mother of the twins from the original trilogy. However I would like to note that Obi Wan Kenobi also meets this girl actually right before Anakin. Nothing happens in Phantom Menace, but we go on to Episode II, Where the Chancellor convinces Padme to accept additional security in the form of “an old friend” Like master Kenobi. Obi Wan, sensing his padawans strong feelings for the senator tries to convince him that as a politician, she can’t be trusted and you know bitches in general tend to be rather treacherous. Anakin fails to listen. Now here is where the Jedi conspiracy comes into play. Yoda and Obi Wan concoct a scheme to teach Anakin not only to accept loss, but finally understand that the woman he loves is a piece of shit that will twist him deadly. Anakin’s early warning system however uncovered the plot. Obi Wan was present in his prophetic dream of the birth of the twins, for some undisclosed reason, Obi Wan shows up at Padme’s flat right before he takes off to hunt Grievous, when Anakin is not there. While it appears that Anakin turns when the words of Mace Windu prove the Jedi no better than the Sith, it was actually the betrayal of his master and wife through their illicit affair that really created Darth Vader. Note the reaction he has to Padme bringing up Obi Wan on Mustafar at the end of Episode III.
In reality the father of the twins was NOT Anakin Skywalker, but in fact his mentor Obi Wan Kenobi. He gave up the girl to be raised a politician, because they HAD to be separated and bitches can’t be trusted anyway, he took his son and “watched over him” until he got bored with life as a farmer and came looking for dad. He was led to believe Vader killed his father in order to hide the betrayal Obi Wan himself committed and to duck paying all those years of back child support. Vader interested only in “taking” something from Obi Wan, lied to Luke to try to get him to come be his apprentice. Yoda fearing Luke would side with Vader if he ever learned of the Jedi conspiracy went along with the lie. Sound far fetched? Well I’ve already pointed out how the vagueness of the whole plot supports the theory, now let me show you why the people who casts these damn things should be more careful. 😀 All the proof I need in the photo comparisons below there is.
Looking at the comparison above you tell me who the real father is. Still not convinced? Try this one of later age value.
And if you STILL have trouble wrapping your head around this idea, try this.
😀 Thought I would take a break to show you, that I too have a fucked up sense of humor when it comes to the things I geek on. Hope you got a kick out of it. I know I have.