In this time of self reflection I have come to realize that, that which seems to be my greatest strength can also be a weakness. Ever since I was young I have always been the type to figure shit out, I once tinkered with the remote for the cable box until I found the code my father used to unlock the Playboy channel, I was seven years old at the time. I can’t seem to turn it off, always I am looking for the answer, the solution to whatever I am doing or going through. As a kid I became obsessed with puzzles for this very reason and as you no doubt realize by now I am a Yu-Gi-Oh! fan for that very same reason, it’s all tactical and stackable and the mechanics provide a chance to find that MOST EFFICIENT COMBINATION. I’ve always been good at it. Always was the type to see first what is wrong with a situation because then the process of finding what works can begin. I see things in a different light than most, I think completely outside of the box in many cases. I also have a tendency to over analyze shit because of this part of my nature and how my brain works. Solitude for me can be a double edge sword, it gives me space to figure shit out, but can also give me too much space to carry a thought into the opposite end of the spectrum.
I know now balance is key and ironically the very thing that is causing my problem is also the path to fix what is wrong. I have to devise a way to see the Rubicon BEFORE I reach that motherfucker. Give myself completely to EMOTION, I get blinded, on all fronts, anger, sadness, love, and confusion takes hold giving way to missing steps that I would otherwise take if I were thinking more clearly. Give myself completely to LOGIC and I disassociate too much to connect with anyone or anything on any kind of sympathetic or empathetic level. Give myself to FAITH and I lose the sense of responsibility needed to make adjustment to situations, and fuck up things that I might have otherwise been able to effect the outcome of. All of the above equals one clusterfuck of a mess, that sets me back, eating time I don’t have, causing problems where there should be none, or simply NOT CARING ENOUGH TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THE A FORE MENTIONED OUTCOMES.
Acceptance of truth. At the moment I really have nothing to offer anyone, as much as I would like to. That makes me useless. I need to COMPLETELY COME BACK from my ordeal and I must let that NEED guide my emotion to fuel the Puzzle Solving qualities and gear them towards achieving the GOAL of becoming USEFUL. Let the FAITH be all about knowing within that I can and will achieve this GOAL. My path is clear now, all that remains is to practice this level of self control until it becomes my instinctual response. Then and only then will I truly be capable of fulfilling the limits of my considerable potential. This is where I am NOW on my journey in the AFTERMATH of my crucible, I give this to you for the same reason I have been giving all of it, knowledge. If I fall you will know exactly WHY, if I rise you will know exactly HOW. – Love BIG CAT
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