As I have told you all already my ordeal is not entirely over yet, it’s getting there, but until it does I find myself constantly having to stop and “rethink my life” so to speak. You have been reading from my solution to that for the most part. You write it in the moment, LET those unbridled emotions flow, they are raw, but they are also honest. Looking back from a different mood allows you to look at yourself a little more clearly, you see how you felt at the time, what was causing you to feel that way and as I state in the body of this post, having it somewhere other than festering in your head allows to further separate yourself from the emotional response and let’s you view yourself in a far more objective fashion. At least that works for me. SPOILER ALERT there be present day happenings in this here post. 😀 I have, with the permission of my probation officer been allowed to leave the glorious state of West Virginia on a 30 day work pass. I am currently in the state of Louisiana where I am staying with my sister, her husband and my little nephew. I won’t be on my own for this upcoming holiday. I have been fighting with myself a lot lately in trying to deal with circumstances that are still in flux. Years back I was diagnosed with Bi- Polar disorder and PTSD. I have been off my medication now for almost a year. Considering my ability to survive and the strides I have taken in trying to get ahead against extreme odds and likelihood of failure, I think it’s safe to say that I DON’T NEED YOUR GODDAMN PHARMACEUTICALS. In truth all I really needed was my divorce . Now this does not mean that my issues have just magically went away, they haven’t, they are still very present and nothing has made that more clear to me than my reactions of late, between dealing with being on probation for crime I never believed in, I am not quite as familiar with the people I am staying with as I came to be the ones I had previously been with for most of the Summer. There is still an awkwardness to being helped by a stranger. ( Yes, that is pride fucking with me, but that isn’t all. Despite my rather loud ass online persona, in person I am far more laid back, quiet and reserved, don’t get me wrong I will call bullshit to your face just as quick as I do here, I tend to make my point short sweet and potent in person rather than go on the same kind of tirade that I do here. This in part is due to the fact that, I am not as strong in verbal skill as I am in writing. My hand can keep up with this brain of mine a lot easier than my mouth seems capable.) The point here is step back, KNOW YOUR PROBLEMS and be honest about the ones that originate from yourself. No one is without fault, pinpoint yours, so you have a real grasp on what to do about it. I have sought more stable ground away from my BITCH of an ex wife who still can’t grasp that she isn’t worth my time to “GO AFTER” I guess is what she thinks, either that, or that’s just the bullshit excuse she feeds herself as much as everyone else to justify her own overbearing, petty, vindictiveness. I lean more towards the latter. (Heh, Heh Epic Fail on that last attempt, when the judge slapped her ass down, but that still doesn’t change the fact that it was my 11th time in a courtroom this year over her shit.) 😀 Yeah TRUTH HURTS and there in lies the fact that makes this task of “rethinking your life” that much harder, unless you’re me, cause I don’t give a fuck, I’m as mean to me as I am to assholes and dumb asses.
November 12th 2014
Well, here we are learning that every new step taken brings forth a need to reevaluate yourself, for multiple reasons. For instance I come back to civilization after being on the lonely mountain for months, I am there only two weeks before going to another place that is far from civilization, a new job that has me confronting my preexisting problem with crowds. The lack of stability in my ever shifting environment coupled with the above factors have brought into sharp focus the effect my forced isolation has had on me overall. Again I state the value of having my history to look at, when it is written, it exists somewhere other than your brain, changing the format to something a little easier to disassociate yourself from, while this sounds bad it really only would be if ignored, not when it use this ability to disassociate to look objectively at yourself. FACT: I was diagnosed with Bi Polar and PTSD FACT: I have sworn off medications in the knowledge that more often then not they have scrambled my fucking brain more than they have helped and again ENVIRONMENT COUNTS FOR A LOT I do believe in the triggering of the side effects of these meds. FACT: I have, in a short time period been SLAMMED with multiple forms of HIGH EFFECT TRAUMA. Let’s do the list A.) Divorce B.) Felony case C.) Homelessness D.) Loss in multiple forms. FACT: When one chooses the path of SELF TREATMENT, Maintenance is a must, not only in terms of working backwards from the source of the TRAUMA, but in focusing on it’s continued effects in the present.
It was no coincidence, that I chose to come here. I have taken a new step with probation, with my ever shifting lack of stability in not having a homestead that I can call mine, while trying to keep a handle on the progress made so far. Here I am WITH FAMILY, Here I am away from the source of trouble, Here where I am near the core of Team BIG CAT, I can refocus on business at hand rather than going through the motions and letting the fire that started my drive to ebb in the distraction brought on by solitude. How can solitude cause distraction? Don’t most people use it to get away from distraction? FACT: It only eliminates OUTSIDE DISTRACTIONS. People with my particular issues have a whole other beast to contend with when it comes to INNER DISTRACTIONS, especially those that occur due to a mind that can not seem to ever SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! And mine NEVER WANTS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’m calling this time period 30 days of medicine. After the last time I evaluated myself and took stock of what I had, where I stood, what I had done to regain a sense of self, I became a published writer with well over a grand saved up, and was looking to move ahead. Something changed and now I have to take ANOTHER STEP BACK in order to regain the footing i struggled to get from over the Summer. Told you, I give myself the same shit, I give everyone else, If I didn’t I would be a fake ass hypocrite, and THAT Ladies and Gentlemen, simply will not do, not when it compromises MY CODE. – Love BIG CAT
NC: You can do it, Big Cat. Focus on the work ahead and establishing a true home base. < ( Yeah, I STILL have MY people. 😀 )