Rebuilding

All posts tagged Rebuilding

“Out came the claws and the fangs been out ever since then, but up until the instant, that I went against it. It was ingrained in me that I wouldn’t amount to a shitstain I thought , No wonder I had to unlearn everything my brain was taught.” – Eminem “Guts over Fear”

Yeah, ghosts really do make good bio-exorcists. I say this because I have learned the hard way that even when the source of your malice is gone the damage done leaves you mean as fuck, at the first reminder of it, or even the idea of it happening again, because the nerve is still raw and it leaves you feeling exposed and vulnerable. Can’t have that shit, can we ? This last year has taught me one thing. I took pride in giving credit to what earned it and giving Hell to the ones who earned it through their actions or inaction’s. But who earns what? That is what has got me wondering if I don’t take shit too far sometimes. When someone goes through a traumatic experience, that trauma will manifest itself in different ways for different people. What merits a comeback to the action of another? I mean you don’t give someone shit for walking with a limp when they sprain an ankle, do you? I think that has been my problem, I can see it now, this whole damn year I have been forced to learn how to survive other peoples shit, but now that the worst of that is over I realize the need to look at how to survive my own shit. Jacking someone who does fucked up shit to someone for the Hell of it is one thing, jacking someone who is just trying to figure out to survive in the face of something that did damage to them, that’s something else. I stress honesty with yourself in these times when you find yourself having to question that, did I ever take it too far bitch slapping someone like me? You can’t always hold the things some people do against them, not really because sometimes it is too much like giving shit to someone for walking with a limp when they have a sprained ankle. That said, once you KNOW what has caused this damage for what it is you are left with a CHOICE, you can either give up all together, recognize what needs fixed and decide that you will NO LONGER ALLOW IT TO CONTROL WHO YOU ARE, or you can continue to LET IT DICTATE WHO YOU ARE. If that last choice is the one you go with, you NO LONGER HAVE THE RIGHT TO LAY BLAME for what YOU CHOOSE TO DO TO ANOTHER. Not on anyone else BUT YOUR DAMN SELF. Like all things it comes down to making the CHOICE of WHO YOU WANT TO BE, the kind of person you want to be. I am in the process of retraining my own mind, because I DON’T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED BY A GODDAMN GHOST ANYMORE. It’s MY LIFE, I control who I will become, now that the slate has been wiped clean.

 

” I know what it was like  I was there once, single parents, hate your appearance. Did you struggle to find your place in this world and the pain spawns all the anger on, but it wasn’t till I put the pain in song, learned who to aim it on that I made a spark, started to spit hard as shit, learned how to harness it while the reigns were off. And there was a lot of bizarre shit, but the crazy part was soon as I stopped saying I gave a fuck haters started to appreciate my art. AND IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART, TO LOOK AT ALL THE PAIN I’VE CAUSED, but what am I gonna do when the rage is gone and the lights go out in that trailer park?” – Eminem “Guts Over Fear”

 

If you make the choice to be more than what others will try to dictate you become through the damage they inflict, the first thing I found it necessary to do is to gain some sense of SELF, in my case it has been taking a look at the principles by which you wish to define yourself and then take account of what actions fit those principles, this would become the core of rebuilding the SELF. I take responsibility for what I HAVE done that may have been more than what was merited, NO MORE, NO LESS. This too is important for in the process of rebuilding yourself, life continues at it’s own fucking pace, you WILL STUMBLE ALONG THE WAY UNTIL YOU GET A FOOT HOLD. Own it, figure out what can be done different, move on. BEAT YOURSELF UP TOO LONG, or for shit that wasn’t even a factor, or yours to CLAIM for that matter and you do more to hinder your progress than to help it. SEE WHO YOU REALLY ARE, so that you may properly gauge how far you have to go to BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

 

” So till the break of dawn, here I go recycling the same old song, but I’d rather make Not Afraid 2, than make another motherfucking We Made You uh. And I don’t want to seem indulgent when I discuss my lows and my highs, my demise and my uprise. Pray to God I just opened enough eyes later on and gave you the supplies and the tools, to hopefully use that’ll make you strong, enough to lift yourself up when you feel like I felt, cause I can’t explain to y’all how dang exhausted my legs felt, just trying to balance my dang self, but on eggshells I was made to walk, but thank you ma cause that gave me the, strength to cause Shadymania.” – Eminem “Guts Over Fear”

 

Use it, use it all. Even the hardest shit to endure can be the greatest gift you ever got, if you CHOOSE to let it fuel you in a way that allows you to build something from it rather than destroy EVERYTHING YOU ENCOUNTER THEREAFTER. This becomes the balancing act as you heal, keep those who see this for what it is and will STAND WITH YOU, because they are the ones that will see you through it, if the CHOICE YOU MAKE is one that ALLOWS you to actually do so, 😀 You know, like letting others who might be going through the same thing know that you understand and will help in every way you can. – Love BIG CAT

After my experience in the hospital my demeanor took a turn towards calmly determined, My divorce got finalized and I managed to get a job that payed roughly 100 dollars a day. With things looking like I might be able to bounce back after all I took the time to start setting up a plan for the future, deciding that until I knew otherwise, I would continue acting like I was going to stay a free man. I started once more keeping up with my actor’s page, developing a plan to go nomad in van that was customized to be my mobile headquarters, as I traveled between any acting jobs I might come across. It was also at this time the plan and the groundwork was being laid for this very blog. I was set to make a come back.

 

 

March 13th

Updates: (cause we all love those) Stupidity, dealt with. Crisis of Faith, Averted. Pneumonia, kicked out of my system by antibiotics that felt like they did more to kick my ass this last week than the illness itself. Work, found. Now it’s time to kick this bad worlds ass, and take my rightful place in it. 😀

Comments

TH: So glad things are moving in the right direction for you. That sleeping bag is out there somewhere ..and when you find it…hang onto it 😀

Shayne: I’m content with having enough fight in me to be able to say, that if I don’t find one I’ll weave one out of vines and leaves. I said it many times when you come from nothing you learn how to take your victories when and where you can get them. 😉

NC:  I am so happy for you that a job was found. Looks like things are falling into place for you. Keep us updated.

CL: Glad to hear you are doing better keep I touch

 

March 14th

For me, music has never been about what you know or see, but about what you feel. And in all honesty it’s time for a new theme that actually fits a lot better with my personal journey, because lets face it, in our heads our lives very much do come with their own soundtracks. And yes, I do intend to shove this one in yo face, because it really is a damn good song.

Lost Innocence :
I’ve been blessed and I’ve been cursed.
I’ve done my best and seen the worst.
I’ve been cruel and I’ve been kind.
I’ve followed rules and crossed the line.
Well I’ve been loved and I’ve been hated.
I’ve been trapped, then liberated.
I’ve been bad and I’ve been good.
My words misread, then understood, yeah.

Lost innocence, trying to get back to where I used to be.
Lost innocence, hoping that there’s something waiting for me.
Lost innocence, have I even learned a single useful thing
or have I lost, in a sense?

I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak.
I’ve learned to turn the other cheek.
I’ve been shown and I’ve been blind.
I’ve said my peace, then changed my mind.
Well I’ve been lost and I’ve been found.
I’ve built things up, then burned them down.
I’ve been wrong and I’ve been right.
I’ve saved the day, then spent the night, yeah.

Lost innocence, trying to get back to where I used to be.
Lost innocence, hoping that there’s something waiting for me.
Lost innocence, have I even learned a single useful thing
or have I lost, in a sense?

I’ve been drunk and I’ve been sober.
I’ve tied one on and pulled one over.
I’ve been rude, I’ve been polite.
Been right on time, then missed the flight.
I’ve been sick and I’ve been well
at Heaven’s gate and on the road to Hell.
Well, I’ve been smooth and I’ve been rough.
I’ve wanted more, then had enough, yeah.

Lost innocence, trying to get back to where I used to be.
Lost innocence, hoping that there’s something waiting for me.
Lost innocence, have I even learned a single useful thing
or have I lost, in a sense?

Have I lost innocence? – Eric Stuart Band

Comments

RN:  Shayne Workman sometimes the best music at times like this are the songs that speak of new beginnings. The past is just that- pasted.
Brother you can’t move forward if you keep looking back all the time. I’ve been through divorce enough to know that t
he only way to go- is to let it go and carry on with your new life. Drama and emotions are going to work against you- and others will play into it then blame you. Why set yourself up? T H I N K- P L E A S E ?!?!?

RB: Way to go shayne

Shayne: Duly noted. I’ve had that wonderful experience where in the process of walking away for the sake of diffusing a bad situation, I got chased down and dogged. And while I can honestly say I should have had enough sense to keep walking, once the tilt occurs it becomes increasingly harder to stop it, especially when someone is well schooled in what buttons to push. Next thing you know, you go from having the sense to try to cool things down, to getting pulled right back into the Jerry Springer retard club of getting all in each others faces screaming over bullshit that ultimately doesn’t matter. But alas I am also in the sorting phase now, where I have to honestly decide what is mine to claim, both good and bad, or the only new beginning I can hope for will just be a reboot of the same cycle that has already almost cost me everything. I have a gift in my ability to admit wrong doing and see it for what it is, but I have also seen myself be that 7 year old brat even now that has directed my frustrations on others who were not the cause, just so they know what it feels like to be as cut off and meaningless as I have been. It’s a dangerous spot for me because I have one of the worst downfalls in over analyzing shit. So the warning is most appreciated. I do have to make sure I don’t get stuck in the process, that could screw me just as bad and as fast as overlooking an obvious flaw.

 

March 16th

“IT’S ALIVEEEE!! IT’S ALIVEE!!!!………(sigh) But why does the fucking thing keep walking face first into the wall?”

Just a reminder, wise man says: look for the humor and you will find the enjoyment, even in the worst of times..  <( I was feeling better about things at this point clearly.)

Psychologists don’t seem to know what to think when you break their terms out on them, during psych evals. Why no, I learned absolutely nothing from those college text books I payed 2 dollars for at Goodwill. 😀

 

March 21st

I have sat at a moral crossroads for awhile now and am not ashamed to admit, I don’t know which way to go, so if anyone’s listening, here goes. Forgiveness is divine or so it has been said, but what do you do when it has a way of interfering with common sense? Forgiving is one thing, but what does it change if anything in a case where logic dictates that, now that I have finally found it in myself to admit that I have earned better than connecting myself to someone that I am always in a state of disadvantage with, no matter what I do? Is there a compromise and if so, is it worth it? I would do anything for anyone that I could, but as you all well know, piss me off and I become the very definition of Asshole. Where do I draw the line between hard ass and door mat? I honestly don’t know, I was hoping for some thoughts on this, to give me a different perspective.

Comments

AMJ:  I believe forgiveness has very little to do with the person you are forgiving and more to do with you, and clearing the space in your mind and soul. Why allow anyone to take up space that you could use for your own purpose or goals. It’s like having a non-paying tenant you don’t want around. Forgive and move on from it. As for connecting with that person or anyone who doesn’t allow you to be yourself or to move forward is detrimental to your own well being physically, mentally and spiritually. As much as we want things to work sometimes, or to find a way to work around the other persons issues so that we aren’t in that state of disadvantage there really isn’t any way without compromising ourselves. In that case it’s better to just walk away with a clean slate knowing you’ve done all you can do than to continue on in a way that’s unhealthy for everyone involved. Did that make any sense?

TH: Shayne. Forgiveness is not for the other person, its for yourself. So you don’t have to carry the burden of a grudge. You can forgive someone for what they’ve done or do but don’t allow yourself to be abused or taken advantage of. There is a balance. If you know in your heart you will always be at a disadvantage w someone you can limit your contact w them but still love and accept them.for who and what they are.

CL: Dearest shayne I think that I couldn’t have put it better my self forgive and forget and move on with a clean mind and heart

Shayne: Thank you all for the assist, before my damn fool ass went and did something I would most likely regret. I have compromised myself enough, Fuck doing that anymore for any one, it’s my turn now. They’ll just have to get over their loss.

BW: Forgiveness is 4 urself but it makes peace within u, that makes u a better person

 

March 24th

Well that sucked, in a mix-up that is actually becoming more rare as I regain my ability to think straight, I missed my ride to work this morning, damn and here I thought it would be because I overslept the first time, but no I was even up since 5 this morning. So I guess I will play grounds keeper today, you know vacuum, laundry, all that fun shit, I kind of see it as practice anyway, I mean when I finally do get my own place, who the fuck is going to do any of that shit but me anyway. 😀

Is it Supernatural? Actually no, I was thinking of E. the 60 year old homeless man who I had a rather in depth conversation with the night I went back to the ER, standing out side at the very bus stop that I collapsed in the night before having made it back from Jefferson. ( Yeah I did actually have enough pride not flop in the middle of porn land, besides I knew I didn’t have enough left in me to make it anywhere really, and the only true requisite I set for myself was to go until I dropped, and I did. ) As i stood there getting my last 3 maybe 4 cigarettes in before the ER ( because the smartest thing in the world for someone with Pneumonia to do, is stand in 38 degree weather at night smoking.) I was told about how common my story was, from a man who lives on the streets, has two kids in jail and grandson that he can’t reach out to because he has no means of contacting his kids in jail. I learned some shits 1: If trouble is what I seek, return from whence I came. 2 Keep pushing yourself, and never bow to this world we live in. and 3 The streets ain’t no fuckin place to live. I needed that. <( This was written with a shared video from Youtube of “Carry on Wayward Son)

Trying to decide, whether or not I should stay or go once all my legal bullshit gets straightened out. Maybe I’m just feeling the constraints of being bound to this place, but then I was brought here from the place where I was familiar with everything, after my mother’s death. I have to wonder after everything can I really call this home? At this point there is even less holding me here, than there would be anywhere else. And lets be honest while I did declare my independence here, is that only because I did not go any farther? This place, for all the memories and time spent trying to build or rebuild anything, this place has never been anything for me but misery and loss, what the fuck would be the point?

Comments

NC: I am of the opinion that moving on when a place has nothing more to offer me is a good hing. At some point, I realized a move in location could be better, but couldn’t possibly be worse than where I experienced only stress and unhappiness.

Shayne: Moving on does kind of sound nice. One of these damn days I might finally get my eco mud hut I keep talking about out in the desert. <( I will explain this one more later, but for prelude, I call this move The Ben Kenobi Initiative designed for when I get so fucking sick of the world that I opt to live the rest of my days a hermit in the desert. Oh it has also been started at this point as well.)

JBL: The desert is nice. 😀

AMJ:  Sometimes its hard, or better said, nearly impossible to let go of everything that’s familiar to head into the unknown but more times than not its exactly what one needs to do not only for their physical, mental or financial well being but for their soul. Just look to the wind lil’ brother, listen and allow it to show you that path. Its a journey that you alone have to face and decide upon. And I have no doubt that once you hear your calling you will make the right decisions and you will prevail. Btw an eco mud hut sounds kewl! I wanna come visit for coffee when you get it done 😉

 

March 26th

I repeat: Money may not buy happiness, but it sure as Hell can grant you a lack of misery.

Revolution like Immortality comes in many forms……… Just thought you should know.

It’s hard to grasp the concept of Peace in a time of struggle, I have tried, and honestly, one day I might get to where I’m Buddha enough to have a heart full of forgiveness, but for now I got to do the best I can with what I have. I was thinking sly mirth as a substitute for hatred for the time being, which simply means I don’t let what was done bother me, but I will giggle my ass off at the motherfuckers who done it when it bites them on the ass. (shrugs) Is that good enough for the stage I’m in right now?

Comments

RN:  Nope!!! You ARE BETTER THEN THAT Shayne Workman! Mind over matter. Make up your mind to focus on what really matters- and the past has passed and it should be totally left behind. You deserve a clean free start.

CL: That’s great for stage 1 But I know you are better than those who have wronged you I have to say one day karma will have its way with them love you shayne

Shayne: I know. I know. Sounds pretty damn good though. I got another way around it…. 😀  This one just seemed easier.

 

March 30th

I don’t know if you noticed but things have been a little different for me since I had my moment of clarity a few weeks back.

Every one has those moments when you just need to set the clock to zero again. Since doing so, I have built a reasonably workable plan, aided now by actual income. My legal shit is still going, for now, but that isn’t going to last much longer and I will not go down to that bullshit. So that is just a waiting game for it to end now.

Personally the past is over and gone. I however wasn’t put on this Earth to save the fucking children, nor am I here to cater to or kiss the asses of backstabbers…. No matter what piss poor, pathetic excuse one may have to justify something that can’t be justified. The door will be open for some, All I ask for is that fucking me over not be your first or intentional purpose. Those who know me, know that I am loyal beyond reason, and am good at being a resource for many things. If these are worthwhile traits to you, they are still part of me, I don’t give up strengths, I just find ways to overcome weakness. Accept what I offer or accept that I am dead to you in all capacities and leave me be, my time on a lower link on this food chain is almost up.

Home is where ever the fuck I am, and home does not mean that I can’t go where the money is and return with resources that can be used as a benefit to all. My plan now involves such notions, reviving my acting/ directing page is a part of that. I never gave WV a fair shot to be my home, but I do realize the realities that with out capitol it is a place far too easy to fall into the two party trap of too stupid to leave or too stuck to move. So it will be my homestead but I am making list of places that will be my work front.

Freedom acquired
Good and bad sorted
Course is plotted
The road ahead doesn’t look so long anymore.

 

 

Damn son, looking back on it now, I have to say my experience at the hospital really did give me the hope needed to stabilize myself, this was the most calm I had been since before August of 2012. I was going to need it, the hardest damn part of my journey was still to come. Soon you will learn of The Vagabond King.