I know some of you are probably reading half this shit and thinking Oh My God! What’s wrong with this dude? To which my only answer I have listed your answer along with each time period that they took effect, to show how the shit just kept piling on. Put yourself in my position. 16 year relationship, 8 of those years were a marriage coming to a bitter close. Facing a felony charge as an outsider, in a small town court system. ( What I haven’t gotten around to explaining yet is how my case just got shunted off to 3 three public defenders, so that damn near every time I went to their office I had to explain every fucking thing all over again. Oh yeah A riverbank was my bed for awhile too. and even more that I have not come to. I dare you not to be pissed at the whole fucking world, or not blow your brains out when the devil on your left shoulder looks to the angel on your right and all it can do is wince and shrug like “This is bad, I don’t have shit for you.” None of that’s the point. The point is… FUCK IT just read this.
Do you ever wonder what makes people feel alone? In my experience it’s fear of being judged, we have this inane idea in our heads that it is some kind of MORTAL SIN to admit when you miss a step, you know, call yourself by the title human. OOOOOO Scary ain’t it? We try so hard to hide that shit when there isn’t any way, we’re really just fooling ourselves and all out of worry of what others might think. If we ever pulled our heads out of our asses long enough to stop running around like fucking chickens with their heads cut off, we might actually see that we are ALL running around like fucking chickens with our heads cut off. As it stands we can say EVERYONE has their issues, that you are not the only one dealing with fallout from a fuck up you made. But we don’t hold it in our hearts do we? Very few take the risk that would make them something the average fucking person could relate to because no one wants that target on their back. As such we find ourselves shocked when that person who smiles at us and laughs at our jokes to our faces, goes behind a locked door and puts a shotgun in their mouths, because, we never saw it coming. Last year I made a choice, however unpopular it may have been. I got sick of being in the dark corner I ALLOWED myself to be kept in (and by my own choice as well not just my ex wife’s doing.) I said fuck it and jumped in about the biggest fucking bonfire I could find. (Because I’m me, I can’t do any fucking thing the easy way.) I told you that you were going to hate me or you were going to love me, but there was not going to be ANOTHER in my life who could say they did not KNOW me. I’m a man of my word. I have since OPENLY talked about legal issues, divorce, you got the blow by blow of my long walk that landed me in the hospital, you got my reflections on everything from psych meds, to love, to family, what I care about and stand for, what pisses me off to no end, what I geek on, when I fuck up majorly and in goofy ass ways, Hell I even turned my homeless stint into a fucking Mr. Rogers educational field trip just to show you what the other side lives like. For that choice I made, I have taken shit from family, friends, care bears who can’t grasp that light without dark is JUST as blinding as PITCH BLACK, assholes who wanted an excuse to hate me so they could go on believing they weren’t pieces of shit for turning away. For all intents and purposes I have offered my life in Truman Show fashion, because despite what some may think is negative about the choice I made, there might be a few out there reading this who actually feel better about someone being willing to open up enough to that degree, that they really do get that they are not the only ones suffering through day to day life, or have sadness or anger issues while dealing with it. People need people they can honestly relate to and it does work best when it is someone they know, someone they know they can turn to, so they don’t have to feel alone. It isn’t nor should it be taboo to want to be there for the people who need to know that it is ALRIGHT to be human.
You see I have come out the other side of all this bullshit and have reached that point where the only way I can even make any of it make sense to me is to use it for others like me. You will see how that came about too in this ongoing narrative, but right now I would like to go ahead state a purpose for this blog beyond just what you have just read. Let me state once more YES I will pimp my other writings on here, you see volunteer stuff is great but I’m not that financially stable yet, at least I’m not begging without having put the work in already. 😀 However the bigger this blog itself becomes I will be looking into running unobtrusive ads for others on here, the money received from that as well as what ever work from the blog itself I want to publish and sell will go into a fund to help those in need, people like I was during this bullshit. This blog, as venomous as it might read at times is meant as my way of giving back to the people who need that understanding the most.