For two weeks after getting kicked out I sat watching more and more people turn away from me in the wake of a vicious rumor being spread about how DANGEROUS I was. A politicians way of covering their own ass after kicking me to the curb in the snow after telling everyone that we were going to be civil about the divorce and of course as a person of standing, a President in a non profit organization filled with people who made up that world people believed her shit over mine, I was JUST a volunteer. Like Rambo EXPENDABLE regardless of putting in as much time and effort as the person whose ass I had to be stuck up 24/7. I had already been to the first part of a two part court appointed psych evaluation, two weeks off my medication and staring down the second part of the evaluation, the hard part. The interview process. A seven hour ordeal that laid open so many OLD scars on top of what was quickly piling on all at once. The following is taken from posts in the early part of March as I faced that evaluation and finally got tired of all the damn prayers that wasn’t saving my ass from anything. As such in a thinly veiled attempt at passive suicide I challenged what ever God was out there to reveal themselves. The result, well you could base a movie on that shit alone, but it IS THE TRUTH about what happened as a result of my little Shadow Game with God.
Please, this includes my family when I say. I don’t give a fuck. I’m done, been done. Ain’t nobody got time for that, least of all me. < (I had been informed of some smart ass gag played by a minion of the ex wife in regards to a charity my sister had set up on my behalf, after I had been kicked out. At that point I really didn’t give a shit, I said, in truth it was just adding on to everything I was already having too much trouble dealing with.)
Here I sit a little over 5 hours away from the second half of a court appointed hoop that needs jumped. I am already behind, not having found a way to bring part of my defense to the table.
So much to focus on and I am failing to bring much fighting spirit to my side of things. What went wrong in me?
You know, someone once told me (in a conversation that took place not long before I kicked their ass to the curb) that no one is an island, not even me. That’s not always true. There comes a point when a break goes too far inside. When you find yourself starting all over again and you realize that the reason you are at that point is because you don’t believe in yourself and you haven’t for some time, that the first place you “have” to turn to is inward.
Before you can reestablish any real trust in those outside of yourself, you have to rebuild the trust you have in you.
I have thought about this and thought about this and I have to make a stand and say I don’t want charity. It isn’t pride that brought me to that decision but rather necessity. Charity can only block the one thing I need most right now, belief and self respect. I need this fear of failure to relight some spark that I am missing.
I can’t say I don’t need help, because I do. What I can say is, I need to earn that help, and I need that help to be a means to earn my way back to level ground.
I said you will see that everyone else got off light from my judgment. That however harsh I judged others from their interactions with me, I would be twice as harsh on myself. Some, maybe even out of kindness, maybe not, I don’t know, just compiled all the reasons I have to be pissed at myself for getting to this point, by not seeing me as the individual, or my need to be seen as such. Some were content in bias from second hand knowledge and some, I simply don’t want to face again without something of my own to bring to the table so that my connection to them is through no one else but me.
There is more to this rant. It ain’t over by a damn sight, but it’s late and I need to charge my phone before heading out in the morning so it will have to wait.
TH: Best of Luck. “It is your road to walk and yours alone. Others may walk it with you but none can walk it for you.” I hope you can get back on your feet again and reclaim the self respect that is a basic human need < ( As mentioned before you will see that I found the REAL people who stood with me through everything and were a huge part in helping me stumble through that path.)
Tired, aggravated and sorely aware that every hit like the one I took today takes more than I have left to give. But to finish the point I was making early this morning, there is a fund raiser on my behalf, I’m wanting to pull it’s plug. I see no point in it, it has on some level added to the drama, I am trying to separate myself from. You want to help? Help me push my store front, I need to build up on my own or take a bow period. It’s natural selection no matter which side of it I sit on, whatever I get, I get.
JBL: It’s not time to take a bow my friend. I know there’s no way to understand that right now, but I’ve been at the bottom. And you’ll dig your way up too
Shayne: I’m gonna give it everything I have left. When all is said and and done I will either stand or fall and if I fall, I will go down swinging that much I can still gurantee. 😀 Thanks for the vote of confidence, as long as someone believes I know it’s worth it for me to.
JBL: you only got to meet me after I put the shattered pieces back together with guitar strings and rolling papers, and a LOT of help from my friends. a LOT… lots of couch surfing, lots of nights not knowing where to go, lots of pain and tears and not being able to breathe.
RN: Prayers and smoke from sacred pipe in your behalf. Brother I know it’s hard and can beat you down- but you GOTTA HAVE FAITH. Creator works in many ways; the outcome is usually the start of your right path again. We lose our way easily in this world and don’t have elders to point us in the proper direction- this is when “troubles” come our way. Creator isn’t punishing you when things go bad- just moving you back to the point of starting over. My prayers are that he shows you understanding and mercy. Let those who judge you understand and know why things happened and your dramatic personality also. With that they will know there was no real threat or terrorism.
Mercy because those who seek fame and re-election have already done you enough harm/damage. I wish there was more that I could do- I have made the calls and traveled to speak in person- but they say their hands can do no more; since it’s not their jurisdiction.
Hopefully the end result will be of some long term benefit to you and enable you to one day stand alone and stand strong if that’s where your path lies. This world screws with so many good ppl- but you have been victimized way too often and hit too harshly for the little things that have happened.
Coming close to making a few important decisions. But before I do I would like to take a moment to share some of what I have learned for posterity.
While smokless tobacco is not a safer alternative to smoking, I have discovered that an empty snuff can makes for a very good change purse for a guy. Thanks bro.
According to psychology 101 as it is taught at Yale, there are two big things that can throw a monkey wrench in psychology standards of judgment and those are philosophy and game theory. All I can say from experience is Wow so common sense is what gives Ivy League it’s edge.
This one may be crude but truthful none the less. Hard ons and heart strings share one common bond, they will both go limp in the face of incessant bitching about ones lack of overall value as a human being.
The world is a fine place and worth fighting for. I personally go back and forth on that second part. So my biggest issue is just a reflection of the big picture, the struggle between natural harmony and all the viable reasons one can find to not give a fuck. < ( As I wrote this I was gathering my worldly possessions in the two bags I had and readied my self to go out the door, I knew then what I planned to do. The game was on, so to speak.)
Alright Game of Gods time. I know that between my body and my spirit, my body will be the first to cave. So I’m walking this way and I am going until my face hits the ground from utter exhaustion. If it is not meant for me to fall then I figure that there has to be some miracle that is going to keep that from happening. I’m not going to stop, I will not quit. But at this point….I kinda want to see just how far faith and prayer can carry my ass. < ( I had already set out and had gone well over five or six miles walking, stopping at Krogers before posting my intent.)
HA HA HA HA Where’s your God now holy man? That’s alright I still got miles lets see where this goes. <( This was a few hours later, night fall had occurred and the temperature was dropping there was still snow on the damn ground, sludge that was slick as shit, I was getting tired as I wrote this from a bus stop across the street from the famous Burial Mound in South Charleston.)
Chesapeake to Spring Hill, you’re pushing me, you gangster motherfucker you. Ain’t no doubt about that. Just one sign. Fuck I ain’t about to stop now.
MH: Wrud bubba? Where you going?
Shayne: As far as I can.
MH: I hear ya dude be careful
It’s over. There ain’t nothing out there looking out for me but my damn self, maybe it’s time I start putting my faith in that. < (This was maybe twenty minutes after the previous post. It was getting late, I was tired lugging all my shit around.)
Another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into. One of these times I might learn, if I can survive tonight any way. Legs can hardly move I’m rattling from the inside out. pennyless, broken, and too far out of range for back up. Yeah I fucked up good and proper……again. < (Maybe another ten minutes, I sat there for awhile in front of Thomas Memorial Hospital a place I would be returning to in another couple hours. Gathering a third wind I pushed on getting almost halfway to Jefferson, before turning back, I said I was going to go until I fell I knew that wasn’t far off anyway, and I had more pride than to want to be found face down in a place I was more likely to have everything I owned taken. I returned to the hospital collapsing in the bus stop out front where I had post the message above. I was shaking from cold, exhaustion, anger, and something else, 😀 just keep reading. after trying to find somewhere out of open view as experience has taught me cops like to fuck with people carrying everything they own through town late at night. Finally I decided I was hurting and shaking too bad to stay outside, I went to the ER in desperation. Here is where it gets good…….)
Well played really. So laying in hospital bed because apparently I have been fucked up for weeks and did not know. Oh yeah and spinal taps suck.
TH: Oh my God! Spinal tap for what? What’s wrong?
Shayne: Pneumonia which I seem to have had for sometime and an infection was found.
TH: R they gonna admit you?
Shayne: They already have.
NC: Healing vibes coming your way. Hope you get well soon.
RB: Dam Shayne so sorry your in the hospital buddy I hope u get better fast
No answers yet at least I can move around a bit. The two biggest problems I have are, first the food reminds me of being in jail, the second is, it’s the same type of seclusion.
Oxygen, IV fluids, heart monitors with electrodes. I feel more machine than man. And just think, if I had not been stupid, I would never have found out that I was bad enough for all this.
RN: Sorry brother- have also been down with an attack. Didn’t know you’d been sick? Prayers and Smoke being sent for you.
CL: What happened shayne
Well shit, tried to Rambo my way out of the hospital just to come back for my brothers sake, yes when we are together we tend to suffer the Winchester syndrome. On a brighter note I just had a sobering and enlightening conversation with a 60 year old homeless man. It seems my final destination from my personal pilgrimage keeps turning up new and helpful shit. Like I said, well played holy one. < ( I checked myself out by around 7pm that night, only to find out that I had to go back to get the results of the damn spinal tap I was given. My brother had, had a surgery the year before, and if that test came back and showed that I had spinal meningitis, it could prove deadlier for my brother than it could me, so I went back.)
I finally cracked around 5:45 When the thought, the line I haven’t let myself say for over 3 weeks finally slipped. ” I want to go home.” I don’t have one, it’s not an option. There you have it. The thought that finally managed to bypass, the anger, the indifference for the sake of moving forward or trying to, even in the face of the fact that in a couple short months it may not even matter if I manage to get my shit together. The awkwardness every time I have found myself somewhere laden with memories that overshadowed my own history in it. The wound was opened with that one thought. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded that you are human. It helps you understand what needs to be guarded.
NC: Mental hugs coming your way.
RB: Hope you get better shayne and I hope u get u a good home to go to some people dont know how lucky they got it
Oh I might as well tell the tale since I was a little too tired and fucked up to tell it earlier. I went to the ER at Thomas Memorial at around 1:40 am dizziness and shortness of breath, which as far as I knew was the result of excessive travel via the shoelace express, my heart rate jumped between 103 and 117 at total rest laying in bed. I was given tests out the ass, EKG, CT scan where I was shot up with a dye the lit my insides on fucking fire, an x ray, a shit ton of blood work and finally a spinal tap. I was admitted at around 6:30 am. My heart rate did finally regulate to 93. What I know is pneumonia had been spotted and I have a white blood cell count of around 30, which means I’ve been fighting one hell of a battle with infection. My doctor did not endear themselves with me having made only one appearance for less than a minute to ask a question that I had been asked at least 34 times and to use a stethoscope which he even placed on electrodes already attached, before quickly darting away before I could even ask any of my own questions. It took trying to leave to learn what I wanted to know, and I figured pneumonia alone was not a cause to languish when I could go to my doctors for the antibiotics to fix that shit. Alas I am back now because one of those tests holds knowledge I have to have to help my brother rule something out. < ( My wait was longer that second night than it was the first. I did finally get in and explained my situation, the ER doctor told me the test was negative, and asked if I wanted readmitted, I said no there was no reason for it hooked to the monitor sitting there talking to him and making sense my heart rate was a pretty normal 68 to 73. In the end he prescribed a seven day antibiotic and sent me on my way.)
Well what do you call it when a person, out of hopelessness and desperation chooses to act on what their instinct was leading them to do regardless of how reckless and stupid that act may seem….even to the one doing it? For a person too damn stubborn to go to doctor unless they are frozen, exhausted to the point hardly being able to stand, unable to think through the pain in their legs and back and shaking so damn hard from it all that it wouldn’t be surprising if they started losing body parts like a beat up old truck.
And then find out after stumbling into an ER that if they had kept assuming that the reason they were always tired and feeling like shit was just related to the stress of their situation, that there was a good chance they would have gone the way of Jim Henson before any outcome to their plight had the chance to happen.
Is it luck or providence? Considering I am sitting here with my antibiotics in hand does it matter what we call it? I set out in desperation to find something to believe in and while what I found wasn’t the sign of hope I was looking for, it was exactly the sign I needed no more no less.
So, the lesson here is. If you have to scream to the world and the heavens that you don’t give a fuck until you can convince yourself enough to keep standing no matter the odds, if you feel like all you have left is tell the whole of existence fuck you as you go down in flames, if you feel the need to challenge the existence of a higher power by forcing it’s hand to reveal itself. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not the way to go, not even the very wise can see all ends. < ( I was sitting at Ginos Pizza in Marmet as I wrote this, later in the evening on the 8th)
TH: So what are you actually saying? Have they found out what’s wrong w you yet? Or was all that just to keep us guessing?
Shayne: It is pneumonia all the other tests came back clear, they turned me loose early this morning with a prescription for antibiotics which I just got filled. In short I’ll live.
NC: Well, we are grateful the higher power slapped you upside the head hard enough to see the help needed sign. Get better soon.
TH: Glad it was nothing more complicated. Though, if you’d waited longer it might have been.
Shayne: Hell I didn’t even know I had anything wrong
TH: I know many people who have had, “walking pneumonia”. It doesn’t show the typical symptoms and peeps don’t know they have it. They just know they feel bad. That’s why it can be so dangerous.
So there you have it. YES it is all TRUE, NO there was no embellishment to any of it, this is literally copied and pasted from the original source, and I was writing it all as it happened. WHATEVER YOU TAKE FROM THIS, A bit of spiritual enlightenment, a moment of being entertained by the actions of a fucking idiot, or simply something to remind you of what you may have to be thankful for, or to know you’re not alone in the struggle you’re going through, this is truly a case of the truth being stranger than fiction. As for me looking back on it now, it is STILL the gift that keeps on giving and my belief of it has been unchanged, for me it WAS a miracle, the one I NEEDED, no more, no less.