All posts tagged Truth

CHOOSE LIFE! Choose wearing a fake fucking smile to hide the pain of living and pulling from any source of pop culture dogma to escape that pain enough to make the smile look real, nothing more than an ode to living the lie of your choosing.

Choose, Lortab, Roxies, Xanax, Crack. CHOOSE METH. Then choose to lay the blame at the door of greedy pharmaceutical companies and Canadian mail order prescription depots for the streets being awash with the ESCAPE they provide, that something ELSE, Something deeper seated made us turn to in the first place.

Choose cursing at that fat ass 97lb frame you look at in the full body mirror hanging on your closet door and then vomiting the can of chicken noodle soup you had for lunch, flushing the only evidence of your askewed life perception besides the ribs you have showing, down the fucking toilet.

CHOOSE to Vote, once every four years to feel better about your place in the world and assure yourself against all evidence that you’re actually making a difference.

CHOOSE taking a thousand pictures of yourself at arms length until one memory becomes indistinguishable from the next and then force those memories that will mean even less to those you force them on over social media, in a sad attempt to be one in 7 billion and make it count for something.

Choose turning to a father figure who dumped us all in an orphanage run by the orphans to help you make sense of it all.

Choose, interracial, and same sex marriage and being hated by the “morally correct” sect who desperately try to hold a patent on what defines an emotion.

Choose jacking off to pictures of people you hate, chubby chasing, cougar hunting, fisting, BDSM, and piss fetishes, because physical pleasure comes with a less costly price tag than genuine emotional attachment.

Choose aiding people, who stay determined to repeat the same pointless cycles, and caring enough that you’re willing to get sucked into the abyss right along with them. Choose to ignore even those who would make use of that help and circle jerking with people who give even less of a fuck about such things as you do in an effort to not feel just as lost as those who visibly need help.



“Deep down, Clark is a good person. Deep down, I’m not.” – Batman “HUSH”

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I live for the fight. I have tried multiple times to conform to what society deems “civilized” but I can’t unsee what I have seen, Life is like a magic trick. You see it and you go “Whoa, How did you do that?” Of course then we learn the trick and the magic is gone. When this happens, you never look at another Magic trick the same. The Magician tries to wow you, using the same dramatic lines and hand flourishes, but when you learn the trick, it doesn’t work on you anymore. You see the hype as what it is, Just hype, and you can’t recapture that sense of wonder you had the first time you saw it. That’s life, that is also why I take issue with what I call Care Bears or people who just spew rhetorical good guy bullshit, because it’s the hope people cling to, even when it isn’t the reality. So many use it just to make people nod their heads, or kiss their asses like they are some kind of Christ figure, when they themselves are anything but. You see these people preach accepting others for who they are and then turn around and blast someone for not being what they think they should be. You see them preach about sharing when they are the most self absorbed individuals around. And when all is said and done, the worst kind of people are the ones people end up looking up to. I can’t unsee what I have seen. I can’t unknow what I know, and try as I may, I just really can’t go along with the bullshit of it all. The worst thing about this, is when others try to get me to come around to their way of thinking, they use the SAME bullshit and it does more to incite rage in me than it does anything, because I hear them, but I see them just being the opposite of what they preach. I call them on the bullshit and suddenly I’m the bad guy. So fuck it. Yes I am the bad guy, but while I completely break down your actions and your words and then show how each part contradicts the next, all the supposed good guys have to offer… that same dogmatic crap that everyone says. “You’re negative.” “It’s more important to be kind than it is to be right.” or if they want to half ass seem intelligent about not having a real argument to back themselves up they resort to “That’s just not practice.” To which I say “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

I don’t think I would be half as pissed off as I am if I wasn’t expected to buy into the bullshit factor. If you are a sorry motherfucker, be a sorry motherfucker without apology and without trying to insult my fucking intelligence by spewing shit that you don’t hold true in your heart, and hoping it will make me and others not see you for the sorry motherfucker you actually are. Guess what, we’re the same.

I live for the fight. Which also means I am likely to die by the sword. I have had to do a lot of soul searching and I realize. I’m trying to be two different people, and the two types they are, they can’t settle in the same person. I want to make it as a writer, you have a dream, you set out to make that dream a reality. In order to do this, I have to give a little on my militant ways….Only problem is, I see so many doing that same thing and the end result is nothing changes, nothing gets better and I once lived my life, not knowing who I was…. It’s not worth it. I live for the fight, it is just in my nature. I held it back for so long trying to be something else that once I got the taste of it’s freedom, I never really looked back. I still argue a lot of points from a perspective of give and take. of compromise, but I am just as quick to tell someone what I think of them and their shit and I hold nothing back and am quite tactless about it. I don’t care. I can’t help but think that if more people actually felt that way about the fucked up things in this world there wouldn’t be enough examples of that fucked up shit to merit such a strong response from me in the first place. I’ve had people consider me rude for the things I say, what I say however comes from a place of truth. I find it fucked up, that I can be considered rude for saying it, while the person I’m saying it to can get a pass for actually conducting themselves in the manner that I blast them for. Words versus Action or as the old saying goes wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first. This too is another reason I just get fed up with people. Their inability to prioritize for shit and what it boils down to, what so many of these people who claim I am filling the world with such negativity really give a shit about is THEIR OWN comfort zone. They don’t care what the world gets filled with, if they did, they would have as much if not an even bigger problem with the actions of the person I’m blasting as they have with my words, but they don’t. I’m not claiming any high ground here, just stating how it is people butt heads like antelope. It’s just a primal thing. They speak from this deep rooted sense of self righteousness in admonishing me for speaking from that same type of deep rooted sense of self righteousness. The only difference is, I know I’m a bastard about it, but some things just need to hit home.

I live for the fight, and I call everyone on their shit. Lets take a moment here for a bit of role reversal in the hot topic of the current president of the United States. I don’t agree with a whole Hell of a lot the man says and does, but I want to take a moment here and just outright level his competition. Where were all these protesting celebrities during the election? Many have the money and the backing and in some cases the intelligence themselves to run for president, but not a single damn one of them stepped up and did, they just want to whine after the fact. Now you have a few who are just like I’m going to run in four years, Yeah well if this guy is as bad as you are making him out to be four years from now won’t matter, so why didn’t you step up when it counted? When it really fucking mattered? And would we have been any better off in a lot of these cases? Let’s take a look at the “Entertainment World” for a minute. The president puts a gag order on the press…… How much dirty ass, underhanded, elitist shit takes place in the entertainment business, that gets swept under a rug or no one wants to talk about because it will make this person look bad, or speaking out will get you black balled? That’s common policy and it is the same fucking thing as trying to silence people from telling the other side of the story, only they willingly protect one another from it in that world. Let’s talk about the positive things, is their policy it displays class, even if it isn’t the same as having any. and that goes down the line from the majors to the independent minor league ring, now it isn’t everyone but it is enough that it casts a sickening shadow over the industry as well as the decent ones in it who are different. “We made a bully our president.” they cry. Yeah well Disney made an ex convict Iron Man while they torment their own child actors with so many restrictions to keep a squeaky clean image that they can’t even be kids, Hollywood made a child molester an academy award winner, so who the fuck are you people to say shit? I get arrested for making a terroristic threat on a post that wasn’t even a statement of intent to act and yet Madonna can roll up in Washington DC and very publicly say some shit like she wanted to blow up the White House and yet she never got hand cuffs put on her. If nothing can be done to you people, why the fuck should anything be done about what Donald Trump has said and done? Heh heh, See what I did there? Just people butting heads like antelope and in this case it has been a matter of lets talk about this shit over here, but not about this shit over here because this shit over here is in our bedroom closet.

It all comes down to “The Comfort Zone”, the most important thing in the world is to be happy. Happiness in the eyes of society seems to lie in overlooking a lot of shit, but then crying when it comes back to haunt them. It’s that thing that happens almost daily in the projects, but isn’t a problem that gets addressed until it strikes some white suberb in a town where not everything is covered in graffiti. It’s that thing that is okay for me to do, but by God don’t let me catch you doing it. It’s that thing that is okay for guys to do, but girls should be scolded for it. It’s that thing a guy should never do, but girls can get away with, because little known secret, discrimination is in part a form of underestimation and as such can offer both oppression and special privilege and playing up those special privileges can be as detrimental to solving the discrimination issue as doing nothing, but let’s not talk about that part of it.

Damn son chill! I wish I could, but I live for the fight. I have seen so many good people get fucking shafted that I can’t believe just smiling and going on about your business is what will fix things. Positivity  for the sake of positivity without meaning or passion solves nothing in itself. Yet so many want to cling to the idea that it can,  or they just use it as a mask for their own gain. I’m no exception. I by my own nature I see it as having a choice of evils. Be this bastard, or be this person who really could not care less about anything.  Because you can support the best people in the world, but who’s going to protect those people from the bullshit that the worst ones will throw at them? What good does it do, to just do one without the other?

I recently made a big mistake in the process of trying to be that other person. I supported people that I just couldn’t get on board with for the sake of getting a credit on my IMDB page, because I haven’t really done anything in film for over 4 years and I was making this big push of doing all kinds of shit just to have a range of people to generate excitement over what I do. It seemed like a good idea in theory, but the more I saw of these people, the more I looked back into their history and saw. I came to the conclusion that they were just as fucking degenerate as I am, in their own way. That’s where I fuck up, it’s the same as back when I had the epiphany that my kindness and efforts were wasted on this type of person. I found more giving, compassionate, understanding, and decent human beings among the forgotten, than I ever met in the little tight knit art community I had previously bent over backward for. And when I started to really think about what I was doing in supporting these people I got thoroughly disgusted with myself, and my flaw became clear to me when I looked at another person who I was trying to support. The glaring differences. The first I gave 300, to mainly for that producer credit. I realized, that with them it was a matter of going back to what I knew,  Hell I expected everyone in that field to be just like them, and so I will not lie, I had no qualms with using them, to get what I wanted. First off, the self absorption level of these people were through the fucking roof and I saw a lot of the same shit from before. “Share what you love”, so that’s why you’re getting on there after the Academy Awards and talking about the big dogs just pretty much circle jerking each other, even as your little Indy bracket was circle jerking each other for……What? being more caring? Giving? Organized? Original? Decent? What pray tell can the independent horror film community really lay claim for being better than Hollywood for? Bitch, did you come down here after hurricane Katrina and try to help people get back in their homes? Because one of the leading people in that fight was Brad Pitt. You’re going to talk to people about dealing with depression on your web series and then get fucking drunk nearly every episode? Yeah believe me I got as disgusted with myself when I really thought about what I was backing, especially when I saw this other person, who is also in film, but they do other stuff as well. You know what was missing from her stuff? Bullshit. This is a lady who gets as little kid excited over  being able to teach a lesson to a 4th grade class about crystals as the other group was about going to some event to ahem circle jerk. Yeah I fucked up. I will continue to write, because I love doing it, but I got a solid wake up call as to what making it as a writer or anything can turn you into. I don’t want to support people who are as degenerate as me, I want to support people who are actually better. I severely told the first party off and blocked them… maybe not my shiniest of moments, but hey, I live for the fight and I don’t refrain from telling people what I really think of them, regardless of it blowing through that empty space between their ears. It’s what an Indigo Child is, it was our purpose for being here, tear the fucking nonsensical institution to shreds to pave the way for the better people than the rest of us to take over.

I was born on December 5th 1978, The only way I got to see the first Star Wars movie in theaters was when they re-released it. My sister was eight years older than me and a full on geek herself, because of this I consider myself one who was literally born a Star Wars fan by default, because it has been with me, my whole life and was the backbone of many of my happier childhood moments. From sitting through commercials happily when the first film made it’s network television debut, and of course what I was waiting for was the light saber fight between Vader and old Ben. Those were always my favorite parts. I remember  being two years old in the car at the drive in theater for “The Empire Strikes Back” and just picking up images here and there between naps, a star destroyer here, a little green dude waving his hand around and lifting a ship out of a swamp, Chewbacca doing his pissed off Wookie thing at a bunch of weird little pig aliens, but I remember my sister sitting there in the back seat with one of those clunky ass old tape recorders held up to one of those clunky ass old speakers that you hooked to your car window and she recorded the audio of the movie almost entirely, back then you had Beta IF you were lucky and back then you had to wait a year or more before anything would even come out on video, not like today where a movie comes out and three or four months later you have blu ray and week before that you have the digital copy that you can get. Hell these days you can take your phone into a movie theater and secretly record the whole damn thing and then boot leg it. It’s safe to say that technology has allowed such things to gravitate into the realm of thievery, but back then was a different time and I remember  me, my mom and my sister listening to those tapes like old time radio. It never stopped being a part of my life, my world, from watching the first film years later as the very first thing aired on The SciFi channel, taking me back to the days that it made it’s original network debut. to reading the books for hours.

Whenever you hear about the death of someone famous, whose work you know and like there is always that “Damn, that sucks” moment, but when that person was a part of something that has been a part of your ENTIRE life, and it brings back the memories of that simpler time and you can not even imagine what your life would have been like without it, that is a death that can hit you pretty damn hard and you become one of those who literally have an emotional moment.  I get it.  That was someone you never met, being a character who isn’t real, but that time at the drive in, those arguments about “You ate the head off of my action figure, do you know what thing is worth now?” “You let a three and a half inch doll get into the hands of a toddler, what the Hell did you think would happen?” Sitting around a tape recorder and listening to a grainy audio track of a beloved film. Those moments are real moments in our lives that these people unwittingly have been a part of. I am usually the “Damn that sucks” kind of guy. Usually, but this one actually hurt.

There really is nothing else to say, The things she did for people fighting a mental disorder that I know all too well, the take no bullshit from anyone or anything attitude, the humor in the face of it all speaks for itself of a simple truth. Some people pretend to be heroes, some people actually are and all I witnessed over the years suggested that Carrie Fisher was NEVER Princess Leia, It was the other way around. And that is why she is the only Disney Princess that ever mattered in my eyes.





“Anger is not an end only a means to an end. In the end ALL things come full circle.” – Darth Venomous

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The REAL SITH knows that while some are fortunate others are not. The path of The REAL SITH is laid for those who have experienced the darker side of life and for whatever reason can not hold to the standard Care Bear like beliefs that so many present in the world today. The primary reason for this is the recognition of how many cases this is a do as I say, not as I do belief system, of how many inadvertently or not, are hypocrites to the very things they expect everyone else to follow. Some however walk the path as much as talk it. That leads to reason number two the path of The REAL SITH might call to the lost. They understand their own darkness and the darkness of the world enough that there is a need to find things they can relate to the most to allow them to find the STRENGTH to handle that darkness and control their own so that it can not control them. This does however present at a certain point the contention that is found in most any philosophy there is.

You can take damn near any thought and stretch it from one end of the spectrum to the other. In the end what you are left with is the realization that, that thought is simultaneously wrong and right.

PEACE is a lie. There is only PASSION.


Through STRENGTH, I gain POWER

Through POWER, I gain VICTORY


But then what? If you have achieved some sense of transcendence from the point you once were, have you not achieved the very same thing through another path, that others have found through theirs? I always believed that the title of Episode 6 Return of the Jedi was not referring to the Jedi Order, and Heh heh as we have recently learned in Episode 7, that return never happened.  I believed it referred to Anakin Skywalker’s resurfacing from the pit of Darth Vader. Ironically, he did the very thing ALL SITH apprentices eventually do, which was take out their master to assume the role for themselves. Once more he acted out of LOGIC. For to save the life of his wife and unborn child, he became a SITH, and again to save his family he remembered the person he had once been. The boy who was born without a father figure, into slavery, taken from the person who had given him his center by the Jedi, who usually take them at a much younger age so that their center lay in the Jedi philosophy. struggled with conformity while being told how special he was, that he was THE CHOSEN ONE. Dealt with the one person who had been his root center dying in his arms when clearly if he could take out the whole village of sand people in vengeance, he could have stopped the raiding party that took his mother in the first place if he had been allowed to act on what he sensed was coming. Lied to by the Jedi, who were forced by circumstance created by the Sith to become something they were not when the peace keepers were forced to become soldiers in a war. Lived in agony for years over his losses, discovered he was lied to so long ago by the Sith master who took him in and faced with the choice of watching someone he was once willing to become a monster to protect die at the hands of the master who lied to him or be the father he never had and never was, came full circle. Unlike the other Jedi who come to know the Jedi way before going out into the galaxy, His preexisting knowledge of the cruelty that existed beyond the ideology of the Jedi kept him in constant conflict with himself and the order. To reconcile with the darkness inside of himself and the darkness that exists in the galaxy as he knew it, required him to walk the path of the Sith. But what happened next? You saw Jedi getting cut down left and right, but you never saw their ghostly images watching the rise of the empire. It was Qui Gon who found his way back and Obi Wan learned from him and so when Yoda and Obi Wan later died their bodies became one with the Force and vanished….. Anakin never learned this from the Sith and yet we see him as the Jedi he never had the chance to be in all his ghostly splendor at the end of “Return of The Jedi.” Ironic, and it leaves you to wonder if maybe by KNOWING both the light and the dark as he did, made him a far stronger Jedi even in death than he was in life.

Many who have the happy life, have not or may never know a time when despair and hopelessness threatens to consume them. I can vouch that when you do, HAPPINESS can not penetrate it. The fire of ANGER is the only thing that keeps it from consuming you. My friend who I had many philosophical debates with in my time when I was faced with that despair even concurred that in times of survival, ANGER and EGO can be necessary tools, just to keep going. He was right.  You have to have the fire to burn out the SORROW and you have to believe against any and all odds you may be facing that you can make it to tomorrow, even when the evidence of both what lies ahead and what has led you to that point shows something different. The path of The REAL SITH is not for everyone, is not necessary for everyone, but for those who have seen what rock bottom looks like and can not buy in to the rhetoric spoken by many who have not even thought about the meaning of it, those who see what makes things as they are in the world around them and can not unsee it, the ones who struggle with having to unlearn the useless habits and and blind devotion to things that DO NOT WORK or make things worse, it is a path that can help bring them around when nothing else helps and no one else seemingly understands.

As someone who was brought into the world paying the price of a father who can not love and a mother who loved someone who could not love. Who always thought about things in a light others did not. I grew up knowing violence, intolerance, judgement. In the face of this, there was the love of grand parents and that of my mother who ensured that at least there was unity among she, my sister and I even in the worst of times. I carried the rage of my mothers death into the house of my father who thought I was too young or too stupid to know what it meant that he and “the maid” slept in the same bed just days after mom was buried. I was taken from all I knew to a place where I was a complete outsider. Told there was something wrong with me as I stayed locked in my room reading books while listening to a step family talking shit because I did it. Finally broke free and found myself in a relationship, where in the process of trying to not be my father, I became my mother instead. Gave 16 of my life to this person, 5 years of community service and left with nothing to show for any of it, but a bullshit criminal record, a life on the streets, nothing to my name and a heap of betrayal from people who I supported. Some know less, some know worse, but none can really tell me anything about how they feel that I don’t understand full well. The bottom, is the bottom, no matter how you fell to it. Ultimately there will come a day when no human walks this Earth and years after that another little fish will crawl from the deep to take our place. One day the sun will blink out and nothing will walk this Earth again, Look into the night sky and see how many possibilities of this happening elsewhere or beginning to happen elsewhere and the reality sinks in, that LIFE WILL GO ON REGARDLESS of unfairness or how we ourselves will feel. To treat how you feel as an end, is to allow it to own you and is WEAKNESS. As I have stated before, The REAL enemy of the REAL SITH is WEAKNESS. Know it is NOT A RELIGION, but a philosophy, a system that acts as a means to an end, but when that end is met, You are presented with another CHOICE. To limit yourself with the LABEL and continue walking a path that is no longer necessary for the position you have reached, or take the BALANCE won, and integrate yourself into the fray, well, like Anakin Skywalker, with that greater understanding and control of both the LIGHT and the DARK. Ironic isn’t it? That the path of the REAL SITH can lead you to be THE STRONGER JEDI.